


good days, bad days, and everything in between

by Balthamos



Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Adulting, Angst, Arguments, Autistic Matteo, Demisexual Matteo, Depression, Drug Addiction, Fluff, Future Fic, Healthy Communication, Insecurity, Jealousy, M/M, Parent Stress, Prompt Fic, clingy david, hints of suicidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-11
Updated: 2020-08-18
Packaged: 2020-08-19 10:41:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 60,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20208409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Balthamos/pseuds/Balthamos
Summary: tumblr prompts reposted here for archiving.index:chp 1 Matteo has a depressive episode, David reminds him he's never a burdenchp 2 David gets overwhelmed with school stress, walks out scares Matteo,chp 3 David worries he's pushing Matteo with sex but they talk about it (demisexual matteo)chp 4 Matteo is jealous of David's new friendschp 5 Matteo is lost after a long and heavy depressive episodechp 6 Matteo and addictionchp 7 Matteo sees someone else kiss Davidchp 8 Hanna takes care of Matteo when he's depressedchp 9 David is jealous of Matteo's new friendchp 10 Matteo tells David how he felt after the textschp 11 soft cuddles after a long day (future fic)chp 12 David needs to runchp 13 David is the clingiest (and most competitive)chp 14 David has a shit day, Matteo is the best (future fic)chp 15 David has a shit day snaps at Matteo (autistic matteo)chp 16 David and Matteo talk boundaries





	1. It’s a bad day, not a bad life

**Author's Note:**

> In which Matteo has a depressive episode

It was as if it came out of nowhere. No that wasn’t right, it had crept up on him, starting with a heaviness to his limbs, a fog setting in his brain, a tiredness slowly overtaking him, until there was just no energy left. Nothing left. So Matteo just laid there, on his unmade bed where he’d collapsed earlier that morning. He was supposed to meet David at some park over an hour ago. 

He’d gotten up and everything, dragged himself out of bed, out of his room and into the kitchen. All it had taken was a simple “are you ok?” from Hans, and that was it. Matteo had literally felt himself shutting down. Checking out. Switching off. Because Matteo wasn’t ok was he? There was no magic fix or cure all for his stupid brain. So he let the fog take over. He couldn’t even remember answering Hans. He’d just backed away, retreated to his room and fallen onto the bed.

That had been earlier that morning. Hours ago. Hans had checked on him a couple of times earlier, but now he was gone too. His normal functioning brain allowing him to live his life. Not like Matteo, who apparently couldn’t even handle basic questions now. Freaking out over everyday conversation.

He was starting to panic now, his thoughts starting to spiral. He could distantly hear his phone buzzing on the nightstand, but it was too far away. And anyway it was probably David. He was probably angry, Matteo couldn’t even show up on time, Matteo couldn’t even show up at all, because Matteo couldn’t even get out of bed, he was stuck, stuck in this room, on his bed. Stuck staring at the same door Hans had walked out of hours ago. He would rot away in there because-

“Matteo!”

Oh.

David was here. David was probably mad. No that wasn’t right, David wouldn’t be mad with him, he was too kind. He was probably sad, probably tired of seeing Matteo this way. Probably wondering how he could get out of this entire situation. Probably-

“Matteo, can I come in?”

The door wasn’t locked, there was nothing Matteo could do to stop him. He didn’t want to stop him. More than anything he wanted David here with him, he hated being alone with his rapidly spiralling thoughts. At the same time he didn’t want David to see him, laid here like this, so pathetic he couldn’t even call out. He didn’t want to trap him here with him.

“Matteo I’m coming in now ok?”

The door opened slowly and David stepped into the room, closing it softly behind him. Matteo didn’t even blink, just continued to stare at the wall. But the pain in his chest eased a little as David approached the bed.

“Matteo?”

David reached the bed and knelt down beside him, he placed his hand on Matteo’s chin and tilted his head until he was looking at his face. Matteo could feel the fog clearing slightly as he scanned David’s face. He looked devastated, eyes shining, mouth pinched in worry. He was sad, Matteo had made him sad.

“Matteo?” he repeated.

Matteo gasped and the tears started to fall.

“I’m sorry, I- I-”

“None of that,” David whispered, climbing onto the bed and pulling Matteo into his arms. 

Matteo went willingly, allowed David to wrap him up in his arms. David held him tight, almost so tight that he couldn’t breathe, but he needed that, and David knew it. Now that he’d started he couldn’t stop crying, loud choking sobs, gasping for breath. It wasn’t pretty, but David held tight.

“I’m here Matteo, I’m here,” he whispered.

Eventually his sobs subsided, but David continued to rock him gently, until his breathing calmed, and his heart rate slowed to normal. When it had passed and Matteo finally felt like he could breathe again they both ended up laying on their backs. Matteo staring at the ceiling, David with his eyes closed. Matteo turned to him, and tried again.

“David I’m sorry-”

“Matteo please don’t,” David said, opening his eyes and turning to face him.

Now they were laying facing each other, Matteo tried to turn away but David reached out and held him in place.

“I stood you up,” Matteo said.

“Not your fault,” David answered.

“I didn’t even text you. I could hear the phone and I ignored it, I couldn’t even reach out and pick up the phone David,” Matteo argued, he sounded like a whiny child even to his ears.

David looked over at the nightstand.

“It is pretty far away,” he observed.

“Stop fucking humouring me,” Matteo suddenly snapped.

He sat up and pulled away from David. Why was David even still here? Couldn’t he see how Matteo was going to drag him down if he didn’t escape? David didn’t even flinch, just sat up so they were facing each other again. 

“How am I humouring you?” he asked.

“Pretending like everything’s going to be fine. Agreeing with my fucking overdramatics. Allowing me to mope and cry and carry on, all because Hans asked me if I was ok this morning.”

God he was ranting now.

“Are you ok?” David asked.

“No I’m not ok! Obviously I’m not ok I’m- I- I-”

“Breathe,” David reminded him.

“I’m not ok,” Matteo said.

Somehow it was like a statement he’d known all along, and yet brand new information at the same time.

“David I’m not ok,” he repeated.

David reached out and joined their hands together, squeezing tightly and rubbing his thumbs over Matteo’s knuckles.

“Not right now no, but you will be again, I promise you,” he said.

“You can’t know that, what if it’s forever?” Matteo argued.

“It’s a bad day Matteo, you just get more of them than most,” David answered.

“A hundred times more yeah, and now you’re stuck with them too,” Matteo said, but he fell forward into David, who let go of his hands to catch him and pulled him close.

“It’s a bad day Matteo, but that doesn’t mean it will be a bad life,” David said.

“Yeah?”

Because Matteo couldn’t picture it, he would just weigh them down, he would destroy them.

“Yeah of course Matteo. God I know they’re hard, I know you’re in pain and I hate it. I know there’s no easy fix, but Matteo our good days are so good, aren’t they? Even the boring ones are so wonderful. So wonderful that I know it’s going to be a good life, I know it,” David said.

There wasn’t really anything he could say to that except…

“I love you.”

“I love you too,” David whispered, pressing a kiss to his forehead, “are you tired?” he asked, he’d started rocking him again, so gently. God Matteo loved this boy.

“It’s not late enough for bed,” he murmured.

“But are you tired?”

“Yeah, I’m exhausted,” Matteo admitted, exhausted from a day of doing absolutely nothing.

“You’ve had an emotional day,” David said.

That was true. Matteo nodded slowly.

“So let’s sleep a while,” David said, laying them back down, never letting go of Matteo.

“David?” 

“Yeah?”

“I think maybe tomorrow will be another bad day,”

“And we’ll face it tomorrow,” David said simply, raising his hand to run his fingers through Matteo’s hair.

“And David, maybe I need proper help,” Matteo said, halfway to sleep already.

He would never have admitted that if he was fully conscious, but deep down he knew it was true.

“Then we’ll get you help,” David said.

“Only when I’m ready?” Matteo asked.

“Only when you’re ready.”


	2. Please don’t leave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which David gets overwhelmed and needs space, Matteo freaks out, and healthy communication is key.

Matteo was alone, sitting on the kitchen floor, practically laying against the cupboards. David was gone. He’d just walked out, no raised voices, no slamming doors, he’d just left. He hadn’t even taken his phone. Matteo was terrified. He couldn’t understand what he’d done.

He went over everything in his head, over and over again, trying to figure out what it was that he’d said wrong. But he was coming up with nothing. 

When he’d gotten home from the supermarket, David had been in his room, working on some important school project, so Matteo had left him to it to start dinner. 

Hans and Linn had been in the living room, playing something loud. Well Hans was being loud, Linn not so much. Not unbearable but Matteo had grabbed his headphones anyway and headed to the kitchen.

It had all kicked off when he’d gone to tell David dinner was ready. Hans and Linn had disappeared by this point, so he’d tried to get David to come out and eat in the living room. Get a change of scene, take his mind off this school project that seemed to be frustrating him to no end. It had been worrying Matteo for a few days now.

_“I’ll eat here Matteo, I need to work on this,” David had muttered._

_“No come on, you need to take a break. My pasta needs to be properly appreciated, come eat,” Matteo had joked._

_“I need to finish this,” David argued._

_Matteo looked at the storyboard spread out on the desk, now he was no expert, but it didn’t even look close to finished. He’d told David as much._

_“So come eat, this isn’t going anywhere,” he’d said, gesturing to the desk._

_To his surprise David had gotten up without argument, just a sigh and an unreadable expression on his face, he’d followed Matteo into the kitchen._

_“Where’s the pasta then?” he’d asked._

_“Almost ready,” Matteo had replied, walking past him to the hob._

_“You said it was ready,” David muttered._

_“Like two minutes David honestly, What’s the matter with you? I’m supposed to be the grumpy one remember?”_

_Matteo smiled at him, but David was shaking his head, his fists were clenched. Matteo’s smile dropped._

_“I have to go,” David said._

_“I- what? Go where?”_

_“Just go, I can’t be here right now, I’m going,” he said._

_“No David-”_

_David turned to the door but Matteo reached out and tried to pull him back. David shrugged him off. _

_“Let me go Matteo,” he’d said, walking to the door._

_“David don’t leave, please don’t leave,” Matteo had begged._

_But he’d left anyway._

That was two hours ago, and now Matteo was still sitting on the kitchen floor, exactly where David had left him. He didn’t even understand what had happened, one minute he was telling David that dinner was ready, then David was gone. They hadn’t even fought.

He curled up, head against his knees, all he could do was wait.

Eventually he heard the key in the lock and the door opening, he saw David go straight past the kitchen to his room, but he was too frozen now to call out.

“Matteo?” David called out. His voice sounded rough and strained, almost as if he’d been shouting.

He came back to the kitchen, Matteo stared at his feet as they approached him. He didn’t have the energy to lift his head.

“Shit,” David muttered.

He knelt down beside him, and cupped his hand gently around Matteo’s chin, lifting his head to meet his eyes. Matteo scanned his face, he looked worried, but more than that he looked upset, his eyes were red, slightly puffy. His cheeks pinker than usual. He’d been crying. 

“Hey,” he whispered, “hey Matteo can you hear me?”

Slowly Matteo nodded, his head felt like it was filled with lead. What had he done? He reached out and grasped David’s hands, desperate to keep him there with him, desperate to understand what he’d done to upset him.

“I’m sorry David, please I’m sorry, whatever I did-”

David shook his head and cut him off, hushing him.

“You did nothing, nothing at all. I’m sorry I shouldn’t have walked out, but I was angry, and I didn’t want you to see it,” David explained.

“What do you mean?”

“I needed to yell and shout, but you can’t handle that, so I had to get out, I didn’t even have time to explain myself. If I’d stayed any longer I would have yelled at you,” he said.

That still sounded like it was his fault to Matteo, that David had to leave just to let out his frustrations.

“David if you need to yell, you can yell, I can take it,” Matteo insisted.

“Matteo you flinch when Hans gets particularly excited,” David countered.

“I…” but David was right, loud noises made him flinch, people yelling made him curl in on himself, want to cover his ears and hide away from the world. And David knew all this, David was the person he’d explained all this too. 

Told him at night, hidden away under the covers, about a childhood spent hiding in his room, a pillow pressed tightly over his ears in an attempt to block out his mother’s screams and his father’s yells. And how it had never blocked out the sound that well. How the screaming had only gotten worse once his father finally gave up on them. How he’d wander the streets late at night, desperate for a moment of quiet. How he’d had to get out of the house he called home because he just couldn’t handle the noise any more, it had made him ill.

Dr Hofmann, his therapist, said it was trauma, that it would likely always affect him in some way or another, and that the only thing he could do was try and manage that effect. They were working on it together, but it was likely that he would always be sensitive to loud noises.

“Ok, but that’s just… I can’t help that ok? But David I’m not afraid of Hans. Please, he’s the least scary person I know, even when he’s actually angry.” Matteo said. 

“I couldn’t bear it if I scared you,” David whispered.

He was refusing to look at him now, so Matteo pulled him closer.

“I… you can’t scare me,” Matteo argued.

But he wasn’t sure how true that was either, he’d only ever heard David yell once, and that time they’d been yelling at each other. They had needed it. If he’d started shouting out of nowhere, Matteo probably would have shut down completely.

He met David’s eyes and knew he was thinking the same thing.

As horrible as it was by walking out of the apartment, he had probably done the right thing.

“I scared you anyway,” he said softly, reaching out to rub a thumb over Matteo’s cheek.

Matteo hadn’t even realised he’d been crying.

“Yeah,” he admitted.

“I am sorry,” David said again.

“It’s ok, I understand now at least. But could you tell me what was making you so angry? If it wasn’t me,” Matteo asked.

“It wasn’t you Matteo, it’s just a lot,” David said, sighing heavily.

He ran a hand through his hair, visibly frustrated.

“School stuff?” Matteo guessed.

“Yeah it’s not as easy as I thought it would be, there is so much to do and I’m getting behind, and group projects suck. And because I’m behind they write to Laura, so we fought yesterday because she got overprotective, and no one in my project is pulling their weight so I’m stuck carrying the grade because I want to do well, and it’s just not fun Matteo, and what if I can’t do it?”

Matteo stared at him, David just stared back, letting him process at his own speed. Matteo was starting to understand David's need to yell. He’d felt like this before.

“Ok that’s a lot,” Matteo said eventually, “can I answer?”

“No interruptions?”

“No interruptions,” Matteo agreed.

This was something they did when Matteo had a lot to say, that required thinking as he spoke, and so that he didn’t lose his train of thought David would wait until Matteo gave him the all clear to speak.

“Ok first, you absolutely can do this, you are a natural at all this.” 

David opened his mouth to argue.

“No interruptions,” Matteo reminded him.

“Ok let me think… I love maths did you know?” 

David shook his head. 

“Maths and computer stuff too, but I’m not sure I could ever handle studying them at school. I’m hardly academic. But what I mean is you love filmmaking, directing, art, but the restrictions of school are making you doubt that. There is a risk that it could even make you hate it. So I think learn what you can but ultimately, you can do it, you’re so good at it, and it’s something you love, so you will be fine. I have utter faith you can be successful, whether or not you make it through school.

“Ok and group projects. They suck, but at the same time, it’s probably partly your fault.”

David looked scandalised but didn’t interrupt. Matteo smirked at him

“You’re too polite babe, if the other students are slacking, fucking call them out on it. Tell your tutors, refuse to work in the group. I know this is hard to hear from someone who literally lets everyone walk all over them, but you know it’s true.

“And finally if you snapped at Laura just apologise she already knows you’re a brat she’ll forgive you,” he finished.

David laughed, and Matteo joined him.

“Ok?”

“I should have talked to you earlier,” David admitted.

“Why didn’t you?”

“I didn’t want to burden you, you are already going through so much,” David said.

“Because I’m a head case you mean?”

“Matteo,” David warned.

“Because of my depression then? Your problems are valid too David, I don’t want you to feel like you can’t talk to me, and look I know all about bottling up your worries. When I was still hiding the fact that I was gay I ended up screaming at the boys, scared the shit out of them,” he told him.

“You’re literally the best person to talk to about this then?”

“Yeah probably, but if not me, then someone. Please?”

“I kept it all to myself because I didn’t want to upset you, walked away because I didn’t want to scare you, but I ended up doing all that anyway.”

“I was terrified,” Matteo admitted.

“I’m sorry,” David said.

“Just please don’t do it again, you can’t just leave like that without a word,” Matteo insisted

“I promise, I can’t promise I won’t need space, won’t need to go somewhere else to vent, but I will always tell you first.”

And that was all Matteo needed, because it was the guessing that freaked him out, the fact that he didn’t know what was wrong.

“Thank you. Healthy communication babe. We’ve got this.”

David just laughed and laid his head on Matteo’s shoulder, neither boy in any hurry to move. They had this.


	3. i trust you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which David is worried he is pushing Matteo

David had Matteo just where he wanted him, where he needed him, spread out beneath him. He was looking up at him, eyes wide with awe, cheeks flushed, mouth parted in a gasp. He was beautiful, everything David could want, and David knew what he wanted, what he could do with him. 

But his mind was elsewhere, back on a conversation they’d had with the boys earlier. They’d all been hanging out, drinking beer, eating cheap pizza, the usual for a Thursday night. And of course the conversation had eventually turned to sex, courtesy of Carlos, regaling them with tales of his and Kiki’s escapades. In a surprising display of cockiness David had been boasting that he and Matteo had sex more than Carlos and Kiki. So what he was competitive? And then the conversation had taken a weird turn.

_“You know I still can’t believe you two even…” he trailed off, taking a sip of his beer, but he gestured between Matteo and David, making it fairly clear what he was referring to._

_David frowned, unsure what he meant by the comment, but the implication getting his back up anyway._

_“What do you mean?” he asked, as calmly as he could manage._

_“You know because of…” Carlos trailed off again, not one for full sentences after a few beers. He pointed at Matteo._

_Matteo who was ignoring all of them right, not in the mood to talk, or join in, but happy enough to sit in their company. He’d had an appointment with Dr. Hofmann earlier that day and it always left him drained and quieter than usual. He was on his phone, scrolling through some news site, smirking at the screen. The frown faded from David’s face, replaced by a look of confusion, he didn’t know what Carlos meant. _

_“Because?” he prompted._

_Beside him Matteo sniggered at something funny on the screen._

_“C’mon you know what he’s like, he’s so… so ugh about sex, like he always has been, but I thought after you two got together, after he came out it would be better but he still never wants to talk about it,” Carlos complained._

_“Dude no one really wants to talk about you and Kiki,” Abdi butted in._

_“Haha, but seriously it just always seems like he hates sex, like I for real though he was ace,” Carlos said. “That means asexual,” he added._

_“I know what it means dumbass,” David said, a little snappily._

_“We all know what it means,” Jonas said, rolling his eyes. “Just because your girlfriend thinks she’s the voice of the gay community doesn’t mean we’re all idiots. I mean seriously? And Matteo’s not obviously,” Jonas said._

_“Thought I was for a while,” Matteo chipped in, before returning his attention to his phone. _

_Carlos snapped his fingers, and pointed at him, as if to say I told you so. Jonas glanced at his best friend and shrugged, seemingly unphased by this revelation. David had simply frowned as the conversation moved on….._

And now here he was with Matteo beneath him, but David was frozen, all these doubts were swirling, and he couldn’t get the idea out of his head. Did Matteo even want this? Suddenly this all felt wrong. 

Matteo seemed to notice his inner turmoil.

“What’s wrong?” he asked quietly, reaching out to touch his face, stroking his cheek.

David closed his eyes at the gesture, then he sighed and rolled off his boyfriend. He lay down beside him, turned so he was facing him. Matteo turned to mirror his position.

“Nothing I just… I’m just not feeling it,” he hated lying, but how did he explain this? He would surely freak Matteo out with his thoughts.

“Ok, is it?… Did I do something?” Matteo frowned, chewing his lip nervously.

“No I promise it’s just… I’m probably overthinking things,” David tried to assure him.

“But?”

David sighed, but he knew he would just cause more worry by not talking, if David was an overthinker then Matteo was on another level. And he always turned things on himself, always thought he was in the wrong. David hated that, wished he could go back in time and rescue Matteo from the childhood that had made this boy so quiet, so lonely, and so afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing.

“Do you remember earlier? When the boys were over?” David asked.

Matteo frowned, “Mmm?”

“We were all talking and you were playing on your phone,” David said.

Matteo cast his eyes down, embarrassed. 

“Oh sorry-”

“No it’s- that’s not it… Do you remember what we were talking about?” David asked.

“No,” Matteo said, frowning slightly as he tried to remember, but he’d been pretty checked out.

“We were… well Carlos mostly… we were talking about sex,” David told him.

“Lame,” Matteo said, smirking.

“Matteo do you even like sex?” 

“Not with Carlos,” he joked, then he frowned when he realised David was being serious. “What? Why are you asking?”

“Carlos said he thought you were ace… you agreed with him,” David reminded him.

Matteo frowned and shook his head, but he looked confused. It had been a subconscious contribution to the conversation then.

“I didn’t, I don’t remember,” Matteo said, but he didn’t seem upset or freaked out like David had worried. Just more confused than anything.

“Well… are you?” David asked, so quietly. He was almost afraid to hear the answer.

“Obviously not,” Matteo laughed, reaching to grab David’s wrist and rub his thumb over the heel of his hand.

“Matteo…” 

“Hmm?” Matteo looked up to meet his eyes. He still wasn’t freaking out. Maybe David was the one who was freaking out.

“Why did you agree with him?” David asked.

“I dunno, I didn’t know that I had, remember? But I suppose I’d considered at some point, when I was figuring things out, probably before I even met you,” Matteo was obviously trying his best to explain.

“But that’s not… You can’t just… Matteo I’m scared,” David admitted finally.

“Of what?” Matteo asked, he moved his hand from David’s wrist and entwined their fingers.

“Pushing you too far,” David admitted.

“Hah! C’mon David,” Matteo said, rolling his eyes.

“I’m serious Matteo,” David whispered, “sometimes it feels like I make all the decisions, and you’re just going along with it, that’s not… do you even want this?”

“This being sex?” Matteo asked, propping himself up on his elbows, sighing heavily to make it clear to David how much effort he was putting into this conversation.

David’s lips twitched slightly and he nodded.

“Yes David, I want to have sex with you,” Matteo said shaking his head a little.

He seemed to realise how worried David was though because this time he didn’t make a joke, didn’t deflect from the heaviness of the conversation.

“Let me just… let me speak,” he said.

“Ok,” David said.

“Give me a minute, or it won’t make any sense,” Matteo said, closing his eyes for a moment, deciding what to say.

Finally he took a deep breath, David knew he was about to say a lot, he had his full attention.

“I think as a concept sex will always make me a little bit uncomfortable, I don’t know why really. I think it’s maybe something to do with the way I was brought up. A lot of church and talk of sin and all that, and the same at home from mama didn’t help. Like especially this,” Matteo gestured between the two of them.

He rarely talked about church, David knew it was hard for him, remembering all this, wished he could make it easier for him. But he was making his own progress with his complex relationship with God, thanks to Dr Hofmann. Reconnecting with his mother certainly helped him too.

“At best sex was something to never be talked about, at worst it was a sin that I would rot in hell for. Thirteen year old me was not a happy boy,” Matteo said, laughing darkly.

“Did you know then?” David asked.

Matteo tilted his head side to side, pursing his lips.

“I think it was this vague idea that I tried to avoid as long as possible, does that make sense?”

David nodded.

“And so I think because of all this, there will always be this sense of discomfort when it comes to talking about it. Like seriously I don’t get how the guys can literally talk about it all the time. And now they know I’m gay they try to include me, us, which is nice I guess? But it just makes me uncomfortable talking about it with them, because it’s us. It’s our business not theirs, it’s private and ours and-”

“Shit,” David muttered

“Shit?”

“I may have talked about us, and told Carlos that we had sex more than him and Kiki,” David admitted.

To his relief Matteo sniggered.

“You are so competitive,” he teased.

“You’re not upset?”

“No, just because I don’t talk about it doesn’t mean you can’t. Also this can’t be news to them, we’re all over each other all the time, physically I’m fine with it, it’s just a verbal thing really,” Matteo tried to explain.

“And we can’t have Carlos thinking he’s the best at sex in the group,” David explained.

“And you don’t make all the decisions, by the way. You’re lucky if you even make half really. But it’s like… you like to be in control right, you need the choice, to take charge, whereas I’m mostly happy to just go with the flow. But if I wasn’t, if I was uncomfortable, or unhappy I would speak up,” Matteo told him.

“You would?”

“Yes, to you I would, because you listen to me. You hear me. You understand me. I trust you David, because you know something’s wrong before I even say it. When I can’t verbalise, you don’t answer for me, you wait. I don’t think you realise how important that is to me, talking is so hard, so i just don’t bother, I just stay quiet. But with you it’s effortless,” he breathed.

“I…

“Do you even… are you even aware that you’re doing it?”

“No,” he admitted, he listened to Matteo because he wanted to hear him, that was all.

“Well you do,” Matteo said with a shrug.

He watched David carefully, frowning slightly, realising that David still felt unsettled.

“Oh….” was all David could manage. 

And if that wasn’t so close to the exact way that David felt. Matteo was the first person he’d ever trusted like this. He realised that perhaps all this wasn’t just about Matteo but about him too.

Matteo seemed to read his mind.

“Is this really about me? Or is it about you?”

“I… I…”

David rolled over, turning away from Matteo, not shutting him out, just taking a minute to get his thoughts in order.

“It was the same for me,” he admitted finally.

“Hmm?”

“Ok not the same but… I’ve only ever trusted you like this,” he said. “I trust you Matteo, more than I’ve ever trusted anybody.”

“Sucks for you I guess,” Matteo said.

David turned back round so that he could hit him, Matteo just grinned and caught his wrists, rolling so he was on top of him.

“Matteo,” David warned.

“Matteo,” Matteo repeated, in that stupid high voice he did. 

The one David secretly loved.

“Matteo I am trying to have a heartfelt speech here,” David said.

“Ok sorry go ahead,” Matteo said.

He released his wrists and rolled back onto the bed, turning so that he was laying on his back, looking up at the ceiling, David had learnt early on that that meant he was listening. He’d explained it once that basically David’s face was too distracting, but he knew it was because Matteo struggled with focussing a lot of the time.

“For a long time, I thought… well I guess I just assumed I would never have this,” he started.

“Sex?”

“Yeah but even more like…”

Why was this so hard to put into words?

“Intimacy?” Matteo suggested.

“Intimacy,” David repeated, that was better. “Like a relationship. I think maybe I’d gotten so used to the idea that I would always be alone, by my own decision, it’s what I wanted. But the idea of something like this, a relationship, being so intimate, trusting someone like this, was just unimaginable to me,” he said.

Matteo nodded.

“And yeah even the idea of sex was off the table because, I just couldn’t imagine trusting someone like that,” he said.

“Which sucks because you are literally always horny,” Matteo said.

David threw a pillow in his face, and rolled on top of his boy. “I can’t help myself around you,” he said, he was trying to tease Matteo, but his voice came out lower than he’d intended, and Matteo stared up at him.

He was teasing but at the same time it was true, he wanted Matteo all the time, was that too much? Matteo never seemed that way, and that was what scared him. That was what freaked him out after the conversation with Carlos.

“It’s normal,” Matteo said, before David could spiral further.

“What?”

“It’s pretty normal that you want to jump me all the time,” Matteo said.

“Really?”

“Yeah, must be, because I want to jump you all the time,” he said.

“It doesn’t always seem like it, I mean I hadn’t noticed until what Carlos said, but then I started…”

“Overthinking?”

“Yeah,” David agreed.

“That’s my thing though,” Matteo joked.

“You really want to have sex all the time?” David asked.

“Nah most of the time I just want to sleep. But I promise whenever I’m like more than fifty percent awake I’m thinking of sex,” Matteo said, “with you,” he clarified. 

“Noted,” David said, smiling down at him.

“You know whenever we’re alone I’m all over you, even when we’re not at home, I can’t help myself,” Matteo said.

That was true too. Wherever they were, if it was just the two of them Matteo would be constantly touching him, gentle and comforting at first, but often one would start teasing the other, and then things would get heavier, hotter, until they were pushing each other up against the nearest surface. 

Matteo waved a hand in his face.

“So in conclusion, we trust each other, blah blah blah, the end. Can we have sex now?” Matteo demanded.

David grabbed the pillow again, Matteo threw up his hands to defend himself, knowing he would lose this battle. 

“Stop being a little shit,” David warned, raising the pillow higher.

Matteo just grinned up at him, then stuck out his tongue.

“I hate you so much,” David said, but it didn’t sound like it at all.

“You love me so much,” Matteo argued.

“I do,” David said, dropping the pillow to lean down and kiss him. “So much,” he whispered against Matteo’s smile.


	4. only blue or black days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Matteo meets David's new friends

They were fighting. Or that’s what it felt like at least. They hadn’t said a word to each other the entire way home. Matteo supposed David was finally realising how petulant and pathetic he could be, especially when he was jealous. 

They’d been at a party, with David’s uni friends, David had finally decided to invite Matteo along to meet them. Matteo hadn’t even wanted to go, but he was getting a bit fed up of not being invited to these things. David always said it was just lowkey meetups, or that he knew Matteo didn’t like parties, or that he thought Matteo would rather hang out with his own friends. Matteo had gotten the hint.

The party had gone about as well as he’d expected. David’s friends had been smart and cool, and just as into to films and art as David. He understood why David wanted to spend all his time with them. Why he’d rather spend time hanging out with these cool people rather than sitting in silence with Matteo while he got into one of his moods.

He shouldn’t have gone to the party. He could already feel one of these moods coming on. He should’ve just gone to bed, let David go alone. David probably didn’t even want him there. He’d probably just gotten fed up of Matteo’s sulking.

Everyone around him had been smoking, drinking and having fun. Matteo had fingers had been itching to steal the joint out of stupid Felix’s hand. He was the worst one. David’s new best friend, they had all the same classes, did all their group projects together. Matteo hated him. 

Actually he couldn’t even hate him, because Felix was too nice. When David had gone off with Ella to get more drinks for the group, he’d checked in with Matteo, tried to keep him involved in the conversation when all Matteo wanted to do was sit and sulk. It might have been bearable if he’d just been allowed to do that.

Instead he’d told Felix to fuck off right as David and Ella had come back with the drinks and now David hated him. And all his stupid new friends hated him. Hell David would probably tell Jonas and Amira and then all his current friends would realise what a jealous asshole he was. Then he’d be back to square one.

They were almost home now, Matteo had been mostly focused on his feet the entire walk back, but every now and then he glanced up at his surroundings. David was beside him. Silent. Probably figuring out what to do about him. Probably embarrassed that he appeared to be dating a five year old. Probably wondering what the fuck was wrong with his boyfriend. Maybe he was thinking it wasn’t worth it, that it would just be better if he left. Maybe he really would leave-

“Matteo!” David said urgently.

Matteo backed away from him, put his hands up to cover his face, he didn’t want to see David right now, didn’t want to see whatever disgusted expression was on his face. He felt dizzy, his vision was starting to swim.

“Matteo you're holding your breath, Matteo breathe!” David said, pulling his arms away from his face.

That explained the dizziness. Matteo let out his breath, and gulped in fresh air. David kept a hold of his arms steadying him while his breathing evened out and his heart rate slowed back down to normal. David didn’t look angry. David looked upset. In fact David looked as if he was about to cry.

“Why are you sad?” Matteo asked, not sure if he wanted to hear the answer. 

Making David sad was possibly even worse than making David angry.

“Let’s go inside,” David said softly.

He hadn’t even realised they’d made it back to the flat, but he allowed David to take his hand and lead him up the stairs. Why was he being so gentle with him? If he was mad why didn’t he just say something. Unless…

“Are you breaking up with me? Because of what I said to Felix?” 

He clung to David’s hand, desperate now. He would say sorry to Felix, he would do anything to fix this. Why did he have to behave this way? This was why it was better that he didn’t speak. Why had Felix had to push him?

“Matteo no, of course not, lets get inside and talk ok?”

Matteo was frozen on the staircase, he couldn’t bring his feet to move. Even when David pulled at his hand he just stood there.

“Matteo I’m not breaking up with you, I’m not leaving you, I just want to take care of you ok? Let me help you,” David said, he sounded almost desperate with worry.

Matteo nodded and allowed David to pull him up the last few stairs and into the apartment. It was dark when they got in. No one else appeared to be home. It was a Friday night so it made sense that Hans was out. Linn and Mia he was not so sure about, but he didn’t really care right now. This was the most exhausted he’d ever felt. He followed David to his room, and all but collapsed onto the bed.

David lay down beside him.

“I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you on the way home, I thought you needed quiet, I thought it was the noise from the party that was stressing you out, not Felix. It wasn’t until Felix text me that I realised he’d upset you. I really didn’t mean to scare you,” David explained.

“I’m sorry for shouting at Felix,” Matteo said.

“Why did you?”

Why did he? Felix had been trying to talk to him, trying to get him to join in conversation. He’d been asking him questions; How was work going? Had he played any new video games? He was being nice and Matteo had shouted in his face because he just wanted him to shut up. He didn’t want to talk. He wanted quiet.

“I didn’t want to talk? I… I don’t even know why he was bothering to talk to me anyway, why any of them were bothering. There all fancy film students and I’m literally kitchen help David, we have nothing in common, and they know it. They know they’re so much better than me, working for their fancy degrees, they know they’re so much better than me and-”

“Oh Matteo, how long have you been feeling this way?” David asked, reaching out to push his hair out of his face.

He stroked his thumb over Matteo’s cheek, rubbing away the tears.

“Pathetic and jealous of all your new smart friends? The ones that are so much better than me, the ones you want to hang out with instead of your pathetic boyfriend? Literally since you started school David,” Matteo admitted.

But he was starting to think maybe he should have said something about this to David before now, not bottle it up and let it fester like he had. He thought he’d learnt that lesson by now.

“You’re not pathetic Matteo, and you’re not even jealous really, just insecure,” David told him.

He reached down and took his hand, squeezing it tight.

“What’s the difference?”

“I’m not a hundred percent sure, but it’s to do with your own self confidence, which is extra low at the moment, isn’t it?” David asked him.

Was it extra low? Matteo wasn’t ever the most confident person in the world, but it had been improving since he’d been working on his mental health. Lately though… insecure, that was how he’d been feeling. Like nothing he did was ever good enough.

“I think I’m going into a depressive episode,” Matteo admitted.

“Matteo I think you might already be in it,” David said gently.

That didn’t make sense, he was only just starting to feel it, since that morning. It had been harder to get out of bed than usual, and he’d snapped at Hans in the kitchen. Because Hans wanted to talk and he never seemed to understand that in the mornings quiet was better. Sofia, his mother’s friend and his boss at the cafe, she’d seemed to notice it too. She’d let him go early. Then there was his mood at the party, those were all the signs.

David seemed to understand what he was thinking.

“I think maybe it came on slower this time, perhaps because Dr Hofmann is helping I don’t know. But you’ve been quiet all week, quieter than normal. I thought you were just tired from work, so I didn’t say anything. But you haven’t been sleeping well, if work was exhausting you, you would just come home and sleep. 

“And you’ve been more stressed, remember when you couldn’t find that jumper, because you’d left it at mine? You got really upset and started panicking really badly. I’m sorry I didn’t notice. And I’m sorry I didn’t notice how insecure you felt about my new friends, I really didn’t mean to make you feel like that,” David said.

Matteo just felt stupid now.

“It’s just you talk about them all the time, and you always hang out with them. But you’ve never invited me to meet them, so I figured you were embarrassed by me, and then that thought stuck with me and I think I twisted it up in my head a bit,” Matteo explained, feeling foolish.

“Matteo no, it’s not that at all, I promise. It’s… to be honest it’s the opposite,” David said, he was blushing slightly.

“The opposite? You’re embarrassed by them?” 

That made no sense at all, David’s new friends were just as cool as David, why would he be embarrassed by them?

“Not embarrassed but… like we’re film nerds Matteo, I thought you might think we were boring,” David said.

Matteo started laughing, it was weak and quiet because of the emotional evening he’d had, but enough to make David grin at him.

“Oh my god this is all so stupid isn’t it?” Matteo said, scrubbing his hand over his face.

He’d been so dramatic over nothing.

“But also as you found out tonight they are all very loud and chatty and I didn’t want to overwhelm you. Your comfort is the most important thing Matteo,” David said.

“Does Felix hate me now?” Matteo asked.

“No one could ever hate you, and Felix is actually worried that you hate him,” David said.

David showed him a text on his phone from Felix, he must have sent it while they were on the way home. Matteo hadn’t even notice David checking his phone.

_“Please tell Matteo I’m so sorry. Amelia said I shouldn’t have kept pushing him like that, I kept asking him so many questions, I didn’t notice he was getting uncomfortable but Amelia said he seemed really upset. I was just excited to meet him, I hope he doesn’t hate me now, tell him I’m not so pushy, and that next time I can be chill. I won’t even talk!”_

“Oh,” Matteo said.

He was a bit confused to be honest.

“Oh?”

“Why was he excited to meet me?” Matteo asked.

“Matteo I literally talk about you all the time, all my stories, all my ideas, they still come back to you, they all know you’re my muse-”

“Oh my god that’s so gay David!”

David shoved him.

“God I love you,” he muttered, pulling him close and pressing a kiss to his shoulder.

“I’m still not ok,” Matteo said.

“I know, and we’ll keep talking about this ok? When something I do makes you feel insecure I want you to tell me,” David said.

“But-”

“Look if you did something and it upset me, would you rather me tell you, or just let you keep upsetting me over and over?”

“Tell me,” Matteo said. 

The answer was obvious.

“Exactly,” David said.

“But it’s not the same because i’m just being-”

“Matteo if you say pathetic,” David warned.

“Silly?” Matteo tried.

“I think while they may seem like silly insecurities to most, you have to remember that you have depression. The little things seem a lot bigger to you, and people, myself included have to make allowances for that ok? I absolutely don’t mind reassuring you a hundred times a day if it helps you to feel ok. Ok?”

“Ok,” Matteo agreed.

David understood him so well.

“And I think you should talk to Dr Hofmann about this,” he suggested.

“Yeah I text her this afternoon, she’s going to do a phone appointment tomorrow morning, I didn’t think I would be able to get out of bed,” Matteo told him.

“I’m so proud of you Matteo,” David said.

Matteo smiled at him, he knew why. Four months ago he wouldn’t have done that, he would’ve just ignored the signs until they overwhelmed him and he ended up smoking himself into a stupor, just to make it bearable. Now he was acknowledging those signs, taking action, before they consumed him. Granted it still seemed like an impossible task, and clearly this time he’d missed some, but he still felt better, felt like ultimately he had a lot more control over his life.

~~~~

Two weeks later Matteo was finally feeling back to himself, he was still drained still tired,but overall he was getting there. He was back at work. Sofia was only letting him work mornings, and even then she was hovering over him, checking in on him every twenty minutes. She was as bad as his mother to be honest, but he didn’t mind.

Now he was supposed to be meeting David and his uni friends for lunch. But he was nervous. He hadn’t seen Felix since the party and despite David’s reassurances he couldn’t help shake the feeling that this guy probably though he was an absolute prick-

“Matteo! Matteo over here!”

Ok maybe not, Felix was waving him over to patch of grass they’d claimed. They were outside the school, because they still had classes that afternoon, it was only Matteo who was free for the rest of the day.

He walked over and sat down next to David, who smiled and wrapped an arm around his waist, Matteo leant against him.

“Er hi…” Matteo felt so awkward, everyone was looking at him. “Er… Felix I’m so-”

“Forget it, I was being annoying, you can tell me to fuck off whenever you want,” Felix said.

“But I shouldn’t have yelled,” Matteo said.

“It was barely yelling, I think you blowing it all out of proportion in your head,” Amelia said.

“Yeah I do tend to do that,” Matteo admitted.

David stroked his hand up and down Matteo’s back, encouraging him to continue.

“And I’m not really… I don’t always want to talk, but I’m happy enough to just sit with you all, if that makes sense,” He tried to explain.

“That’s fortunate because none of us ever get to talk because Felix never shuts up!” Ella exclaimed.

“Fuck you!” Felix shouted, feigning outrage.

“Oh and I brought food,” Matteo said.

Matteo reached into his rucksack and pulled out the boxes of antipasti, ravioli, risotto, and pizza breads he’d made at the cafe that morning.

The boxes were snatched out of his hand instantly and the hungry film students dug in enthusiastically.

“Oh my god, we’re keeping you,” Amelia said.

“Where did you even get this? It’s so good!” Felix demanded, his mouth full of food.

“I er… I made it,” Matteo informed him.

“You made it?” Felix asked.

Matteo just nodded.

“Oh my god,” Felix muttered as he kept eating, “you need to marry this boy David,” he said pointing his fork at David.

David just laughed but Matteo flushed bright red and buried his head in David’s shoulder.

“Are you not eating?” David asked him.

“Not really hungry,” Matteo said

“Because you’ve been eating all morning?”

David knew him so well.

“I get hungry when I cook,” Matteo said defensively.

“Doing ok?” David asked quietly

There was no need to whisper though, no one was paying them any attention, too busy focusing on the food.

“Yeah I really I am. This is nice, hanging out with your friends, helping their reputation, making them feel cool,” Matteo said.

“Excuse me, just to be clear we are film nerds but you are not cool either Matteo Florenzi!”

“Cooler than you lot,” Matteo argued.

David grabbed him and tried to tackle him, but Matteo managed to get himself into David’s lap and sat firm. David rolled his eyes, but wrapped his arms around him again. He pressed a kiss to his temple.

“I’m so glad your doing better,” he whispered.

“Me too,” Matteo said quietly.

And he was, today was a good day. Tomorrow might not be, but he was finally starting to realise that David probably wasn’t just going to up and leave because he got in a bad mood. And neither were his friends for that matter. And David’s film nerd friends might just stay too. Matteo was ok, today at least.


	5. I… I need you here… now…

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Matteo is lost.

Matteo had been in the longest and worst depressive episode David had witnessed. It was the worst Hans or Jonas had witnessed. He hadn’t even been this bad when his dad had finally left for Italy. His mama kept telling them it would pass, that it would end. David wasn’t sure if it was because she spoke from her own experiences, or because she’d witnessed Matteo like this. He didn’t ask.

The doctors had upped his dosage of antidepressants, and then told them they just had to wait it out. So that’s what they did.

Meanwhile the past month and a half Matteo had only left the room to go to the bathroom. He’d spent the rest of his time laying in bed, although every now and then David would find him crying in the corner of the room, and have to lead him gently back to the bed. It broke his heart to watch his boyfriend so lifeless, so devastatingly sad, so lost. 

One night, two weeks ago, the scariest night he’d ever experienced, he woke up to find Matteo out on the balcony, half dressed, just standing there frozen. When David had approached him Matteo had just stared at him, tears streaming down his face, it was like he was staring straight through David. David had seen this vacant expression on Matteo’s face before, but something about it scared him that time. 

But that fear was nothing compared to what he was feeling right now. Because Matteo was missing and no one knew where he was. When David had got to his apartment he’d found his phone abandoned on the floor by the bed. David’s heart had seized in his chest and the panic set in immediately. Because if Matteo didn’t have his phone, David had no way of finding him.

He’d just gone, left the apartment for the first time in over a month. Without a word to anybody. David didn’t even know how he’d gotten away.

He stayed with Matteo as much as his schedule would allow. When he wasn’t there Jonas, Hanna, Amira, or Hans would stay with him. So he was never alone, unless he couldn’t stand the company. Then someone would stay outside the room instead.

So how had he gotten past them? Jonas was supposed to be watching over him, but he’d been in the bathroom. Two minutes had been all it had taken for Matteo to disappear. Jonas had run out of the apartment as soon as he’d realised, run out into the street without shoes, but it was to late, Matteo was nowhere to be found.

He was there now, pacing the living room.

“Where could he have gone?” he demanded, clearly frustrated.

“I don’t know Jonas,” David said trying to stay calm.

“Do you even care?” He yelled.

David knew Jonas wasn’t angry at him, that he was blaming himself and his guilt was making him frustrated.

“Of course I care-”

“Because you seem pretty fucking calm-”

“I care Jonas, just let me think… please,” David insisted.

He ran his hand through his hair. David ran through possible scenarios. Where would Matteo go? How did you find someone when they didn’t have their phone? How was he feeling? Why had he left? And the worst question of all, what was he planning to do?

This was a bad episode, and for the first time David started to think Matteo wasn’t strong enough to get through this. The idea terrified him.

David had been starting to think it would never end, he hoped that Matteo hadn’t lost hope, but he was losing hope how the hell could Matteo keep going? He was scared. He’d never been so scared in his life.

Jonas was yelling that he could hurt himself when suddenly David was taken back to a conversation they’d had, almost a year ago. They’d been laying in bed, Matteo just coming out of a far milder episode, around the time they’d gotten back from their road trip. Just before he’d started therapy. He struggled to adjust to being back, and the idea that now the trip was over he had to start making decisions about his life.

He’d slipped into a depressive state for a few days and David had been there, just been there with him until it passed. It was the first time he’d witnessed it first hand.

_“If you had to die how would you do it?” Matteo asked him, out of nowhere._

_“Had to die?”_

_“You know what I mean David,” Matteo said shrugging._

_He was staring up at the ceiling, refusing to look at him. David tried to reach out and turn him toward him, but Matteo wouldn’t budge._

_“Matteo?”_

_“Nevermind,” he said, sighing._

_He thought David didn’t understand what he meant. But David always understood him, he was just afraid of knowing this, knowing Matteo’s darkest thoughts, the thoughts that plagued his mind on days like this._

_“I’ve never thought about it,” David said quietly._

_“Never?” Matteo said._

_David hated that he seemed so surprised, that this was such a typical thought for him._

_“No I… not really,” he said._

_“That’s good,” Matteo said softly._

_They were quiet for a few minutes._

_“Do you think about it a lot?” David asked._

_“Sometimes… when I get like this,” Matteo admitted._

_“Have you ever…” _

_David almost didn’t want to know. But he had to, he knew he had to._

_Matteo was quiet for a while._

_“I don’t know,” he said finally._

_“You don’t know?” David asked, confused._

_“I don’t know if it counts,” Matteo said._

_“What?”_

_“All the weed, the drinking, the cigarettes, not eating properly. Hoping that I just don’t wake up, that my liver or kidneys or lungs just finally give up on me,” Matteo explained._

_“It counts, Matteo that counts,” David said, grabbing him and pulling him close._

_He didn’t care if Matteo didn’t want to be held, he needed to feel him in his arms._

_“Then yeah, I guess I have,” Matteo admitted into David’s shoulder._

_“We’ll work on that then yeah, work out a way to cope better, we’ll get you help ok?”_

It hadn’t come up again, David hoped he’d talked about it with Zoe. He desperately tried not to monitor Matteo, just observe his drinking and smoking. Check he was eating but never push. 

“He won’t do anything,” David said, but it sounded unsure even to his ears.

“You know that how?” Jonas asked.

He was terrified, just like David.

“I know Matteo,” David said. 

This sounded surer because it was true, if he knew anything he knew Matteo. But Matteo wasn’t himself right now.

“No offence David-”

“I know Matteo, and I know how he thinks,” David insisted.

“I think we need to call the police,” Jonas suggested.

“I just-”

David’s phone rang, it was an unknown number. David frowned but answered it.

“Hello,”

“David..” Matteo breathed down the line.

“Matteo where are you? Who’s phone is this?”

Jonas’ head snapped up and he tried to get closer to the phone but David held him back. The last thing Matteo needed was Jonas yelling down the phone. It wasn’t Jonas’ fault of course, he was terrified. And understandably so. But right now Matteo needed calm.

“I don’t know- I don’t know where I am. I’m on a bridge, David… I’m so scared. I’m losing my mind. A man gave me his phone, he’s looking at me like I’m crazy. David I… I need you here… now….”

David could hear someone talking in the background, shouting.

“Leave me alone!” Matteo screamed.

David’s heart almost stopped.

“Matteo please, ignore the man, he doesn’t want to hurt you. But I need you to tell me where you are, ”

David shoved his feet into his shoes, and grabbed his keys and was out of the door before Jonas even knew what was going on.

“I don’t know where I am, where am I?”

David heard the voice in the background shouting again, but he couldn’t make out what was being said.

“I’m over the river, on a bridge, David I’m scared,” he cried.

The man in the background was shouting again.

“I’m on the bridge past Spree park,” Matteo said.

And David knew where he was, they’d been on that bridge before, climbed up on it in the middle of the night. On a happier day. Christ how had Matteo even gotten that far across town? 

David set of at a run, he had to get to Matteo. He kept the phone connected, every now and then he heard Matteo tell the passerby to stay back. But david couldn’t run and talk. Couldn’t try to reassure him, whilst he flew across town.

As he ran he remembered the last time they were there. Neither boy had been able to sleep so they’d ended up wandering the streets, in the middle of the night. They’d come upon the bridge and David had immediately wanted to climb up. Matteo not so much. But he had done, because David had wanted to. He’d clung to him the entire time, as they stood up there on the ledge looking out over the water. It had been beautiful.

Tears streamed down David’s face as he ran. He was so afraid he wouldn’t reach him in time. He just had to keep going.

“Matteo!” He cried out, when he reached the bridge.

A man approached him.

“Are you David?”

“Yes I-”

“I’m Ben. I was just driving by. I didn’t know what to do, he said he would come down if I gave him my phone. But then I couldn’t call for help. I couldn’t leave him,” the man rambled.

“I’m not going to jump… I’m not,” Matteo called down.

But he was up on the ledge wobbling dangerously. David felt like he was going to throw up. He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to get his breathing under control. He disconnected the call and pocketed his phone.

When he could breathe again he approached the ledge.

“Don’t,” Ben said. “We need to get help, call the police,” he insisted.

“I’m here to help him, I’m here to take you home Matteo,” David called up to him

“David I can’t move,” Matteo cried pitifully.

David climbed up beside him, and finally took him in. He was stood there on the edge of the ledge, tears streaming down his face, his arms were down by his side, hands open. He swayed where he stood. He was still in his pyjamas, shivering violently. David started to cry again, at the devastating picture he painted.

“I’m sorry,” Matteo whispered.

David edged closer, trusting that Matteo wasn’t going to jump, but still worried about either of them falling. He shrugged off his jacket, and wrapped it round Matteo’s shoulders.

“Can I hold your hand?”

Matteo nodded, desperately and reached out. The minute David’s hand touched his, he gripped it tight, clinging to him.

“I’m sorry,” he repeated.

“What for?” David asked gently.

“Making you cry, ruining your life, not being better, I’m just not getting better,” Matteo cried.

“Matteo it’s not your fault, you’re not well but it will pass. I promise you it will pass,” David told him.

“David I can’t bear it anymore, I just want it to be over, I… I can’t see any other way,” Matteo said.

He didn’t look at him, continued to stare out over the water. 

David gripped Matteo’s hand even tighter, he was probably hurting him, but Matteo didn’t pull away from him.

“I don’t know what to do,” David admitted, “I don’t know how to help you.”

Matteo looked at him suddenly 

“You can’t,” he said, frowning, “David this isn’t your fault.”

“It’s not yours either,” David countered.

Matteo swayed dangerously, clearly exhausted, if they didn’t get down he would fall David realised. 

“Matteo we need to get down,” David said.

“I can’t move,” Matteo told him.

“Then I’m gonna pull us down, ok? Do you trust me?”

“Always,” Matteo whispered.

David let go of Matteo just briefly so he could turn around, then placed an arm around his waist. 

He took a deep breath then he jumped down pulling Matteo with him. They landed clumsily and awkwardly, David on his knees, Matteo on his back but the way David had hold of him stopped him hitting his head. David ignored the pain in his knees and his hands, sitting up and pulling Matteo into him, clinging to him desperately.

He couldn’t help it he burst into tears, screaming out his frustration, drowning out the sounds of Matteo’s constant apologies. He didn’t know how long they sat there crying but finally his sobs subsided. When he finally quieted down, all he could hear were Matteo’s apologies.

“Please stop apologising Matteo,” he said gently.

Matteo nodded. 

“Can we go home?”

David had never felt so relieved. He squeezed Matteo tightly, then pulled them up. 

He stepped back and turned to Ben, the passerby.

“Could you-

“I’ll drive you home,” he said gently, “take your time.”

His face was wet with tears at what he’d just witnessed. David carefully took the phone from Matteo’s hand and gave it back to Ben. Ben took it and went to start the car. David would text Jonas once they were in the car. 

David turned back to Matteo. They were going to have some bad bruises in the morning. But right now he didn’t care. He had Matteo safe in his arms and he didn’t plan on letting him go. He had no idea what they were going to do, no idea how they were going to beat this. Matteo was possibly going to have to go to the hospital this time. But that was a problem for tomorrow. Right now they were going to go home, curl up in bed and not let go of each other until the morning.

David couldn’t help feeling that things were going to be better. That this was the absolute lowest point of the episode and that it could only go up from here. He looked at Matteo, and he stared right back, but this time David could tell he was seeing him. There was guilt and shame in his eyes, but they were clear and focused. David reached out and gently stroked Matteo’s face. He stepped forward and pressed their foreheads together. They just stood there breathing each other in.

“We’re going to be ok, you hear me? I’m here, this will pass, and we have all the time in the world to wait it out,” David said.

At that Matteo closed his eyes, and finally stopped shaking.


	6. cause it's all just chemicals anyway

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which David learns more about Matteo's drug dependencies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the prompt:
> 
> "Maybe a prompt exploring Matteo and his substance use? Something where he goes off the rails and Jonas has to explain to David that matteo has a drug (not weed, maybe more Xanax vibe?) problem, and then dealing with the relapse?"
> 
> Title from drugs by Eden

Something was bothering Matteo, and David didn’t know what. He’d gone over to the WG earlier that day and found Matteo out on the balcony, smoking. That in itself wasn’t too unusual, what was unsettling was the state of his room, Matteo’s possessions strewn around everywhere, smashed beer bottles laying where they’d been flung against the walls.

David had cleared up the glass while Matteo stared at him through the door, he left everything else for Matteo, willing to help him if he wanted it. Not wanting to overstep and move his stuff. But he couldn’t leave the glass there, not with the state Matteo was clearly in.

Matteo just continued to stare at him when he’d stepped out onto the balcony, not saying a word, just shrugging when David asked him if he was ok. So David had talked, told him about his day, how Laura wanted him over for dinner soon, how his Uni application was going. Matteo hadn’t responded much, the occasional shrug or grunt. Then suddenly, just as it was getting dark Matteo had turned to him, the first time that night that his attention was actually focussed on David, and told him he was going to the party at Kiki and Carlos’ place.

So that’s where they were, at a party. David hadn’t wanted to go, thought it would be best if they stayed at home, until whatever was bothering Matteo passed. But he couldn’t force Matteo to stay in his room, especially when it looked like a hurricane had torn through it.

As soon as they stepped into the apartment David knew they’d made a mistake. The music was too loud, there were too many people crowding around them. Matteo had started fidgeting instantly. David was about to grab his hand, pull him away, take him back to his and Laura’s apartment where it was calm and quiet. Where he could talk to Matteo, find out what was going on with him. But Matteo had just wandered off, just walked into the crowd.

So David was standing against the wall, talking to Leonie, but watching Matteo like a hawk.

“What’s going on with you?” Leonie asked, starting to get frustrated at his one word answers and shrugs.

“Hmmm?”

“You seem so distracted,” she said. 

“Just…” he trailed off, frowning as he stared at Matteo, he really didn’t know what to do here.

Calming him down when he was stressed he could do, reminding him things would be ok when he was upset, _ that _ he could do. But this, how did he even get through to Matteo when he was like this?

Leonie turned to see what he was looking at, saw Matteo and smiled.

“Ah, just can’t keep your eyes off him huh?”

David shook his head.

“No it’s not that, I…” David didn’t know how to explain it.

She looked back at Matteo again, and this time she frowned, her expression starting to mirror David’s.

“Is he ok?” Leonie asked.

He was standing in the middle of the crowd, everyone around him moving, laughing, dancing, and he was just standing there stock still staring at nothing.

“I don’t know,” David admitted.

“Shit.”

They continued to watch him, uneasy.

After a minute Matteo looked down at something in his hand. David frowned, he couldn’t tell what it was. Then Matteo put his hand to his mouth and David realised what was happening.

“Did you see that? He just-”

But David was off, he charged into the crowd, grabbing Matteo’s wrist and pulling him through the mass of people, not stopping until they were outside.

“What the hell Matteo!” he yelled.

Matteo flinched, and it was the first time he’d actually responded to David all night. David hated himself for yelling, but he was scared.

“What?” he mumbled, his voice scratchy from not speaking all evening.

“What did you take? What did you just take Matteo?”

David grabbed his shoulders and shook him.

“Just a Xanax, calm down,” Matteo mumbled, looking at the ground.

“Calm down? Are you serious? How many?”

Matteo shrugged and pulled away from him, stepping back.

“How many Matteo?” David demanded, running his hand through his hair.

“I dunno, like three… four,” he guessed

“Four?” David was really starting to panic now. 

“I took two earlier, at the apartment, but then I ran out,” Matteo admitted.

“Christ,” David muttered, pulling out his phone.

Matteo stared at him, blinking slowly, confused.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“Looking it up,” David muttered as he typed _ Xanax overdose _ into the search bar.

He needed to know whether or not he needed to take Matteo to the hospital.

“It’s fine David I’ve taken like ten before,” Matteo said, pushing at the phone, trying to get him to put it away.

“Matteo that doesn’t help,_ god _,” he said.

He took ahold of Matteo’s wrist to keep him still, and clicked through the articles on his phone. He knew it would be hard to get Matteo to the hospital, he would fight David hard, and probably hate him for it. Plus he didn’t know what kind of trouble they would get in.

The internet seemed to suggest that he needed to watch Matteo for signs of drowsiness, confusion, slurring his words. But he seemed ok, if anything he was almost more focussed. David didn’t know what to do.

“Can we go home?” Matteo murmured.

“Do you have any more?” David asked.

“Um…”

David held out his hand.

“Give them to me please,” he said.

Matteo rolled his eyes but handed over the little bottle to David. David held his other hand out to Matteo, who took it, watching him warily.

“Where are we going?” he asked quietly.

“My place,” David said. 

He knew he was being short, but he couldn’t help it, he was stressed.

“Are you mad at me?”

David sighed.

“No… yes… I just don’t get how you could be so reckless,” he said.

“I’m sorry,” Matteo said.

But Matteo was always sorry, it was his default response. David hated it. Hated that he always felt like he was in the wrong, and constantly apologising.

“Are you?”

“Yeah,” he said.

“Why?” David asked.

“Because you’re mad,” Matteo said.

“Exactly,” David said.

“David I don’t understand,” Matteo said.

“I know. Let’s just get you home,” David said.

He squeezed his hand and carried on walking. They walked the rest of the way in silence. David knew his lack of speech was worrying Matteo, but he didn’t want to say anything. He didn’t think he could without getting mad. So he stayed quiet.

Thankfully Laura was still out when they got back. David herded Matteo into his room, and closed the door behind them.

“Are you going to yell at me now?” Matteo asked, shrugging off his jacket and throwing it on the chair.

He eyed the bed but remained standing in the middle of the room.

“No Matteo,” David said quietly.

He honestly wasn’t mad at Matteo, he was mad at the situation, and that it was out of his control. He hated losing control.

Matteo nodded, staring down at his feet.

“How are you feeling?” David asked.

“Tired,” Matteo mumbled.

“Dizzy? Confused? Do you feel sick?”

“David I haven’t od'd will you stop fussing?” Matteo muttered. 

David didn’t know whether to trust him or not. Matteo seemed fine really, calmer than usual if anything. He supposed that was the drugs though.

“Look I’m tired, I’m going to bed,” Matteo said, throwing off his hoodie and flopping onto the bed.

“I don’t know if you should sleep,” David said.

He really didn’t know what to do here, he was scared.

“Well I’m going to. Look I’m fine, I just needed a little help to calm down, just let it go,” he said, turning away from him.

David just stared at him. He didn’t know this Matteo, who didn’t care at all that he was upset, couldn’t even seem to understand how scared he was. Was this the drugs? Or was this just another side to Matteo he hadn’t yet seen?

He let Matteo fall asleep, knowing he wouldn’t sleep at all. He settled on a chair by the bed so he could watch him, check his breathing, his pulse, at regular intervals.

He pulled out his phone and returned to the article about Xanax overdose. It was going to be a long night.

Matteo groaned as he woke up, startling David where he was still dozing in the chair. He stood up and walked over to the bed.

“Morning,” he said, sitting down beside him.

“Shit,” Matteo grumbled, rubbing his hands over his face hard enough to hurt.

“Are you gonna be sick?” David asked, looking around for his wastepaper bin.

Matteo shook his head slowly.

“Drink this,” David said, handing him a bottle of water from the bedside table.

Matteo took it and gulped it down.

“You’re mad at me,” he mumbled.

“No I’m not mad Matteo. I’m scared,” David said.

Matteo frowned.

“Scared?”

“You took Xanax Matteo, I looked up the pills you gave me online, according to the bottle it was the strongest dosage? But it was from some dealer right? So it could’ve been anything, we don’t even know what it really was. You could’ve od’d. I stayed up all night watching you, terrified you were going to stop breathing. I just… I need to understand what was going through your head, why you did that,” David said.

He’d been going over it all night in his head. He had to understand.

“I just wanted to chill out,” Matteo said.

“No Matteo, because you’ve trashed your room. You went to a party, bought drugs from a dealer and took fucking Xanax washed down with beer. And then you informed me that you usually take even more, so no Matteo this was not just chilling out,” he said.

“I was just feeling stressed, I wanted to forget things for a while,” he said, looking anywhere but at David.

It was clear he didn't want to have this conversation, that he’d rather just drop it, but David wasn’t going to let that happen.

“Stressed about what?” he asked gently.

“It doesn't matter,” Matteo said.

“It does, if it drove you to this it matters,” David said.

Matteo sighed.

“Just shit with my dad, it’s just shit with him,” he said.

“What shit?”

“He just... he rang and he was going on about me. And why wasn’t I going to uni and stuff? It’s just his usual bullshit, it’s not a big deal, I was just overreacting,” Matteo said.

That made things a lot clearer for David. He hadn’t ever met Matteo’s father but he hated the man. He didn’t know if he would be able to hold his tongue if he ever met him. Hell he didn’t know if he would be able to refrain from punching him. Yes the drugs were an overreaction, but his feelings, the stress, the panic, and the frustration were valid. Matteo just need to find better ways to handle it.

He moved closer to Matteo, and took both his hands in his.

“Matteo, you’re allowed to get upset about this,” he said.

“No I-”

“Matteo yes you are, you don’t need to keep it all in, ok? And you don’t need to avoid it with drugs ok?”

“Ok,” Matteo said, nodding.

“So next time you're upset like this just talk to me, don’t just reach for the drugs, yeah?” David said.

“Ok,” he agreed.

David sighed and pulled Matteo into his arms, he hoped he would never have to go through something like that again.

The matter didn't come up again for another month, David hadn’t forgotten about it, but he figured the matter was settled, Matteo talked to him when he was upset, when something was bothering him, he didn’t need those distractions anymore, or so David thought.

The panic attack came out of nowhere, one minute they were playing video games, him, Jonas, Carlos and Matteo, the next minute Matteo was on the floor, gasping for breath.

David was on it in a second, sat in front of Matteo, talking him down. He took Matteo’s hands and placed them against his chest so that he could match his breathing.

Jonas and Carlos watched on nervously as their friend struggled to breathe, to catch his breath. Watched him sitting there gasping, clutching at David with tears running down his face, as David tried to talk him down.

When Matteo’s breathing was under control, he pushed David away, and dragged himself up.

“Where are you going?” David asked, watching Matteo head to his room.

He followed Matteo, and Jonas followed him.

“Matteo what are you doing?” David asked, but he had his suspicions.

His suspicions were confirmed when Matteo pulled out a box and started rummaging around. He pulled out a bottle of pills. David sighed.

“Matteo no,” David said.

“David,” Jonas warned.

“I need… I just need,” Matteo was muttering, looking wildly around the room.

“Give them to me,” David said.

Matteo stared at him.

“Matteo give them to me,” David repeated.

He handed them over and David placed them on the table.

“You don’t need them ok, you-”

“David-”

“He’s fine Jonas, he doesn’t need it, we’re going to go out there and we’re going to talk through what happened and forget about those,” he said, pointing at the bottle.

David led Matteo out of the bedroom and back into the living room, they sat back down on the sofa. Jonas sat back down with Carlos on the opposite sofa.

“Do you want to talk about what happened?” David asked gently.

Matteo shook his head.

“When you’re ready then,” David said, rubbing his arm.

“Er… should we… should we keep playing?” Carlos asked.

David supposed they should, maybe it would be a good distraction.

“I don’t want to play a fucking game!” Matteo spat.

Carlos just stared at him. Jonas looked afraid, but resigned at the same time. He’d seen this before. David hadn’t, he flinched away from Matteo, he couldn’t help it. All three boys stared at him as he launched himself up from the sofa and began to pace the room.

“I don’t want to play a fucking game,” he repeated, muttering to himself this time.

“Matteo?” David said gently.

“I don’t want to fucking talk about it! I don’t want to drag it up and fucking dissect every little fucking detail. I want to forget it, don’t you understand? I want- I want,” he began to pat himself down.

When David realised he was looking for something to smoke, he sighed.

“Matteo,” he said, trying to distract him.

Matteo stared at him, and for the first time he was a little afraid, the wild look on Matteo’s face when he realised David wasn’t going to let him take anything, was terrifying.

But then Matteo lifted his hands to his hair and began to pull at it violently. At the same time he started screaming through his clenched teeth. David realised the panic attack hadn’t ended, or it wasn’t even a panic attack, it was something else and he was really out of his depth here.

And now David was afraid, truly afraid, because Matteo wasn’t going to hurt any of them, he was going to hurt himself.

His hands dropped to his arms and he began to scratch at them, so hard he drew blood.

“Matteo? Matteo!”

David grabbed his hands.

“Stop it!”

“Please, David please I need to shut it off, just for an hour, please!”

David stared at him, he didn’t even understand until Jonas handed him the bottle of pills. David frowned down at them in his hand for a long time before handing the bottle to Matteo. He didn’t even hesitate, pouring them into his hand, David counted at least seven before he was swallowing them down dry. David winced but didn’t pull away from him, he turned to Jonas.

“He can’t just stop David,” Jonas said gently.

“But…”

“You can’t just fix him, that’s not how it works,” he explained.

“I know, I’m not trying to fix him, I’m trying to help him.

“He needs real help, professional help, but until he’s ready, until he’s willing to deal with it, you can’t really do anything” Jonas said, sadly.

David realised that Jonas had probably been dealing with this a long time. David had completely misread things, thinking Jonas didn’t care when he handed over the pills. It wasn’t that at all, Jonas had been doing this long enough to know, that he didn’t have any other choice.

“Stop fucking talking about me like I’m not here,” Matteo muttered.

“Sorry Luigi,” Jonas said.

Matteo glared at them for a moment, before pulling away from David and walking over to the other sofa and throwing himself down next to Carlos. Carlos just nodded and offered the controller to Matteo, who shook his head and laid back closing his eyes.

“Ok bro?” he asked.

Matteo just shrugged. 

Again David was shocked, Carlos seemed completely unphased by the nights developments, but when David looked again, he saw that his hands were shaking on the controller. 

David sighed and sat down next to Jonas, opposite Matteo. It was going to be another long night. He turned to Jonas, about to speak.

“We’ll stay,” Jonas said.

“Thanks,” David said.

They sat there in silence just watching Matteo for any signs of danger. But he just sat there still as a statue.

“He’s asleep,” Carlos told them, after a while.

“I just… I don’t know what to do, David admitted.

“I think you just gotta be there for him man,” Carlos suggested.

“So you’re okay with this?”

“No but-”

“Look David I’m not condoning what he’s doing but if it helps him, shouldn’t we-”

“No Jonas its dangerous, he’s an addict,” David said.

He ran a hand through his hair, couldn’t they see what a problem this was?

“He’s not an addict, he only takes them when he needs,” Jonas said.

“You’re in denial god,” David said. 

He wanted to scream.

“I think David’s right, or at least he’s going that way, he was pretty desperate just then,” Carlos said.

“Exactly,” David agreed.

“Like I get that he needs them, but maybe there are better ways to deal with this. Or at least have them prescribed by a professional,” Carlos said.

“Good luck with that, I’ve been telling Matteo to see the doctor for years,” Jonas said.

They all looked over at him. David wanted to cry, he stared at his boyfriend, all traces of his earlier anger gone, just laying there he looked so peaceful.

What the hell was he going to do?

The boys finally left around five in the morning, after David promised them he would update them as soon as the situation changed.

David had swapped with Carlos in the middle of the night, and pulled Matteo until they were laying together, he hadn’t stirred once. But his breathing was steady, David had checked it constantly.

“I’m sorry,” David whispered into Matteo’s hair.

The sun was beginning to rise, bathing Matteo’s face in light, he looked so beautiful, so peaceful. David stroked his face, he didn’t want to wake him, to disturb his sleep, but he needed him. He needed to know he was ok. Matteo’s eyes fluttered open and he looked up at David,.

“I’m sorry,” David repeated.

Matteo stared for a moment, still waking up.

“For what?” he mumbled.

“For just bulldozing over your feelings. For trying to fix you without even helping,” David whispered.

“You were just worried about me,” Matteo said.

He sighed and snuggled closer.

“Yeah but, I literally just said stop taking the drugs and just talk to me. I totally ignored how you were feeling and I’m just so sorry,” David said.

He squeezed Matteo tightly, he never wanted to let him go.

“You were just trying to help,” Matteo said.

“But it didn’t help,” David argued.

He moved his arms now, running his hands through Matteo’s hair.

“I’m sorry let it get this bad,” Matteo said, his eyes were closed again, but David could tell he wasn’t sleepy, he was focussing. He was figuring out what to say.

David reached down and squeezed him again then pushed him upright. They needed to talk this through and he wanted to be sitting up for it.

“No its not your fault. I just... you can't just take them ok? You can’t. You’re taking so many. Look I looked it up, you have to start slow and build up to dosages like this,” David explained.

Matteo frowned down at his hands.

“But I did?” he said.

“Matteo pouring the bottle out into your hand and downing the contents is not building up, it's not dosing correctly,” he said.

“But I’ve been taking it years, I know what I’m doing, I promise,” Matteo said.

It was then that David realised how deep this problem went, he could laugh at himself, for thinking he’d fixed it. That a quick chat and a promise was enough to solve a problem that went back as far as this. Hell he hadn’t even asked Matteo how long this had been going on, he’d assumed it was recent, the last six months at most.

“Talk to me, I’ll listen this time, I promise,” David said.

Matteo shook his head.

“You always listen,” he argued.

“Not before I was too panicked, I wanted it over,” David admitted.

He hadn’t let Matteo talk at all, he should have pushed then, made him have the horrible conversation right then and there, things would be further along.

“I wouldn’t have told you anyway,” Matteo said, shrugging.

“Will you tell me now?”

Matteo nodded slowly, and turned to face him. David mirrored him, and reached out to hold his hands.

“I looked it up…”

David nodded, encouraging Matteo to continue. This was going to be a difficult conversation for both of them.

“I was maybe fourteen?”

David winced but stayed silent.

“I’d just had a panic attack, I’d had like four that day, but this one was so bad I threw up. I couldn’t bear it. It was everyday by this point, and I knew I couldn’t go on much longer,” he said.

“But drugs though? Couldn’t you have spoken to someone, talked to a teacher or someone?” David asked.

“How David? Papa kept fucking off to Italy. If school... if anyone found out what it was like, they would’ve locked up mama for neglect. They would have taken me away. And it wasn’t her fault, she needed me David, she needed me, I- I-”

David squeezed his hands.

“That was stupid of me to suggest, carry on,” David said.

“Carry on?”

He looked so confused and lost, his eyes wide and shining with unshed tears.

“You were having panic attacks,” David prompted.

“Yeah. So I googled like _ how to stop panic attacks _ and it was all therapy and doctors and stuff,” Matteo explained.

David started to see where this was going.

“And that was no good?”

Matteo nodded, relieved that David was starting to understand.

“Exactly so I looked up medication to stop panic attacks instead, and xanax was the top hit,” Matteo said.

“And then?”

“I just found a dealer online, bought some, and now here we are I guess,” Matteo said, shrugging.

He’d done what he’d had to do. David almost couldn’t believe it.

“Just like that?” 

Matteo shrugged again.

“I did it properly, I found out the dosage instructions online,” he said.

David wanted to cry, just imagining a fourteen year old Matteo, so wound up with his anxiety, so trapped in his home situation, that he was driven to drug dealers just to get some reprieve. God anything could have happened to him. He could have overdosed, he could have been hurt, it was amazing that he’d made it through that relatively unscathed. But then he wasn’t, David realised, the harm had been done, it just wasn’t visible.

“It doesn’t work so much anymore,” Matteo said.

“You need more and more,” David agreed.

“It’s not going to get any better is it? Like I guess there’s only really one outcome of this, eventually I’m gonna end up swallowing a whole bottle, and then well...”

David shuddered, he refused to even think about that. That was not Matteo’s only option.

“Matteo, I really think it would be good for you to talk to someone,” David said.

“You have, haven’t you?” Matteo said.

“Yeah, I didn’t want to either at first, I thought it was all just a bullshit process, and I mean obviously it is, the hoops I have to jump through, but Anke my therapist gets that too, she’s really great. I still see her every few months,” David said.

Matteo still looked worried.

“But would I have to tell them everything?” he asked.

David didn’t understand what he meant.

“Everything?”

“Everything that happened. Like I'm eighteen now right? So they couldn’t call social services and stuff?”

“I don’t know,” David admitted, “Matteo is this what's stopping you getting help?”

“No. Yes. A bit. I just. I don’t want to talk about everything, but I do, at the same time I know I need to tell someone so badly I want to scream. I can’t tell you-”

“You can-”

“No, I mean yes I know, and I will, but like I want a doctor to tell me that it wasn’t ok. Since I was twelve I wanted someone to help me. To see that I was drowning. To tell me that I shouldn’t have had to handle all that shit as a child. That my parents were fucking terrible and should never have been allowed to have me, that it would be better for me if I had never been born, that-”

David let go of his hands and pulled him closer, wrapping his arms around him. 

“Matteo no,” he whispered, “That is not true, ok? I for one am so glad you were born.”

“If papa… if he’d just supported her, we would have been ok, but…she'll get in trouble I think… if I tell them,” he said.

“Actually I think your father will, not your mum,” David said.

Afterall Matteo’s father had left his son, essentially alone, if his mother was unfit to take care of him. Matteo stared at him.

“Yeah?”

“I’m pretty sure it’s neglect. Also when I left home, when I ran away I was underage so my parents should have gotten in trouble. But Anke never made me do anything about that. I think unless they think it will help you, it’s best to leave some things alone, and punishing your mum, for not being well enough to take care of you would do far more harm than good,” David told him.

“Do you promise?”

“I can’t promise that, but I’m pretty sure of it,” David said.

David finally felt Matteo relaxing against him, he could almost feel the relief. He hoped he wasn’t wrong about this, but he was sure they wouldn’t do anything. Any therapist would see the harm that would do to Matteo’s mental state. Matteo sighed, almost resigned to his fate.

“Will you help me?” he asked quietly.

“Help you?”

“Find someone to talk to,” Matteo explained.

“Of course,” David said, it went without saying, they were in this together.

“I don’t want to do it now. Do we have to do it now?” Matteo asked, pressing himself harder against David, as it he could hide there forever.

David squeezed him back.

“No, today we are going to go to your room and stay in bed all day. You’re still coming down so you need to rest. I’ll even charm Hans into making breakfast so you don’t have to, if he won’t then I’ll make toast. And then we can just spend all day in your bed, and watching shitty youtube videos-”

“Hey I like those!” Matteo exclaimed.

“I know,” David whispered.

He pressed a kiss to Matteo’s forehead, his temples, his cheeks, his neck, just below his ear. He stroked his hand over Matteo’s face, just proving to himself that he was really here, that they’d made it through the night. He leant forward and pressed their foreheads together, and closed his eyes, just breathing him in. 

After a few minutes Matteo started to get fed up, he pulled back and tilted his head, asking for a kiss. David couldn’t do anything but oblige, who was he to deny this boy anything? He took Matteo’s face in his hands, cradling it so gently. He leant forward and kissed him softly, slowly, tenderly, over and over. His moved his hands and tangled them in Matteo’s hair, holding him closer still. 

After the evening they’d just had David couldn’t help but feel a little desperate, just trying to reassure himself that Matteo was here with him. He’d been so scared and the relief he felt now, now he knew he could help Matteo to help himself, just made him want to lose himself in Matteo for as long as possible. So he did. Together they had all the time in the world, and right now he was going to kiss this boy for as long as he’d let him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more prompts, ideas, comments? hit me up @youmustbestrongernow on tumblr


	7. but I want you to know that I've had no love like your love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which Matteo sees the worst thing possible, and David is the king of romance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based on the prompt:
> 
> Can you do one where Matteo and the boys sees a girl trying to kiss David but before David can pull away Matteo has already gone so then David catches him crying and surprises him with a date?

Matteo was drunk, and not the good kind of drunk. He’s lost track of how many beers he’s put away, plus the vodka Jonas keeps offering him. Jonas is slumped against him now, even drunker than him. Carlos and Abdi are on his other side, Carlos trying to give Abdi sex tips or something, Matteo doesn’t care. All he cares about right now is David, and the girl he’s talking to. The girl who keeps rubbing her hand up and down his boyfriend's arm. Squeezing it every now and then as she throws her head back and laughs, flicking her hair.

David was smiling at her, at first Matteo thought he was just humouring her, but it’s been like ten minutes and David hasn’t walked away, he’d only gone to get more beers. He was supposed to be spending time with Matteo, they hadn’t seen each other all week. David had been at school literally all the time. With her. Sophie, Matteo thought her name was, he had seen her all over David’s instagram. She’d liked all his posts, left dumb comments, smileys and hearts. Except on the posts Matteo was in. He wasn’t stupid, he knew what she was playing at. 

Matteo watched as she squeezed David’s arm again, then she lent up on her toes, swaying slightly, and pressed a kiss to David’s lips. Matteo watched it all happen as if it were in slow motion, and then he was up quicker than he’d ever moved before, not even Jonas could grab him, and he was pushing through the crowd, he had to get out of there. It was too hot, too loud. His skin was crawling.

People wouldn’t get out of his way, it was like they didn't realise his life was falling apart. They didn’t even notice.

Matteo heard Jonas calling his name, but he couldn’t turn around, he needed to get out. He was going to be sick, he was hot and cold, sweating. He couldn’t stop shaking. Finally he was outside, he stood there in the street for a moment and then he ran, no destination in mind he just needed to get away from this place, from David and the girl, leave them to make out while his heart broke, shattered into a million pieces.

He only made it two streets before he collapsed against a wall, slumping down to the floor. He’d never been one for running, David had tried a couple of times, to get him to go with him in the mornings. But his balance was always off and he ended up stumbling and tripping more than running. Matteo supposed Sophie could probably run, maybe her and David could go together, every morning. She’d probably be a great girlfriend, she could probably get up in the mornings, without whining.

Matteo let his head fall into his hands and began to cry. It wasn’t pretty, loud ugly sobs, he was a mess. But what else was new?

He heard heavy footsteps, running towards him, then past him. Matteo held his breath, he didn't want to be found. It was probably Jonas. He didn't want to see him right now, didn’t want him to see how pathetic he was.

“Matteo!”

Oh. It was David. Why was he here? Why had he left the party? He sounded worried, which didn’t make any sense.

“Matteo!” he called out again.

But Matteo couldn’t speak, couldn’t find his voice, he was frozen, watching as David looked around wildly, searching for him. It didn't matter, it was like David had a sixth sense sometimes when it came to Matteo. He turned around and looked directly at him, pausing for a moment, just staring at him, taking him in, face wrought with worry. Then the spell broke and he ran at Matteo, dropping down to his knees in front of him.

“Oh Matteo, oh please don’t cry, please,” David whispered.

“It’s ok I’m fine, don’t worry about me. You go back to the party, go back to Sophie, I'm fine,” Matteo said, scrubbing at his face, trying to rub away the tears.

David gently pulled his hands away from his face and didn’t let go, holding him tight. The pressure felt good, Matteo started to feel a little calmer. He was still upset, but less panicky.

“Matteo stop, stop it ok?” 

David kept dipping his head, trying to make eye contact with him. 

“I don’t want to go back to the party, and I certainly don’t want to go back to Sophie,” David said.

“She kissed you,” Matteo whispered.

“She did, I didn’t want her to though, and she was pretty drunk but that’s no excuse,” David explained patiently.

“You were talking to her for ages,” Matteo mumbled, still looking down at his hands in David’s.

“It was only about five minutes,” David said, he dipped his head again, pressing his forehead against Matteo’s.

“It was my five minutes,” Matteo whined, before realising how pathetic he sounded. “Sorry," he mumbled.

“No you’re right. Tonight was the first night we’ve had off together, we shouldn’t have gone to the stupid party. We should’ve stayed in,” David said, releasing his hands, and shifting so he was sat down beside him.

Matteo dropped his head to his shoulder and sighed.

“Why did we go then?”

“You’ve been in all week, I just thought I should try and get you out of the house. It was stupid,” David explained.

“Yeah.”

“We should’ve stayed in,” David repeated, sadly.

“Can we go home?” Matteo asked.

“Yeah, come on,” David said.

He stood up and helped Matteo up, he wrapped an arm around Matteo’s waist and they began to walk.

“I didn’t want her to kiss me, you know that right?” David asked.

Matteo shrugged and didn’t answer.

“Matteo,” David pressed.

“But she’s so smart and pretty, and she’s in all your classes, and all over your instagram, and she could probably go running with you, and she wouldn’t even fall over and-”

“Matteo, stop ok?” David said gently, “do you want to know what I think of Sophie?” he asked.

“Not really,” Matteo muttered.

“She’s annoying, and so full of herself, and she thinks she’s smarter than Professor Becker. Imagine that, smarter than Becker. I honestly didn’t even want to talk to her, but I couldn’t get away. She wouldn’t shut up honestly,” David explained. 

“Oh,” Matteo mumbled, he lent heavily against David, feeling exhausted from everything.

David squeezed him tighter.

“Ok?”

“I’m just being stupid?” Matteo asked.

“No not stupid. Your fears and insecurities are valid. I hate that you feel like this, it makes me so sad to see you this way,” David said.

“Sorry,” Matteo muttered.

“No it’s not your fault, just… I love you ok? I need you to know that,” David insisted, sounding desperate for Matteo to get it.

“I do it’s just sometimes there’s this voice in my head that makes me doubt it. That you can’t possibly love me, because well look at me,” Matteo said.

David squeezed him tightly as they walked along. He was practically taking all of Matteo’s body weight, but he didn’t seem to mind.

“I will tell you a hundred times a day if I have to, just to drown out that fucking voice in your head, until it’s so quiet and pathetic that you can laugh at it ok?”

“Ok, Matteo murmured.

“Now lets get home, and hide away from the world, we can lock ourselves away for the entire weekend, I promise,” David said.

Matteo just nodded and let David lead him home. 

When Matteo woke up the next day his head was pounding, his mouth was dry and he felt like he was going to throw up. He closed his eyes against the light, the curtains were drawn so it was dim but still too bright for his head. He reached out for David, wanting to pull him closer, but he came up empty. He opened his eyes and realised he was alone in the bed. 

On the bedside table there was a note, propped up against a bottle of water, a box of painkillers in front of it. Matteo takes a couple of the pills then grabbed the note.

_ Matteo, _

_ Hope you slept well, I just had to pop into Uni for a couple of hours should be back this afternoon, I promise. _

_ Love you, _

_ David. _

Matteo scowled and screwed up the note, chucking it across the room. He’d figured after last night perhaps David might want to spend a little time with him, but clearly he’d misread things. He’d promised they would spend the entire weekend together.

He flopped back down onto the bed, there was no point getting up. Today was going to be a write off. He closed his eyes and drifted off again, he was going to sleep the entire weekend and hopefully wake up in a better mood on Monday.

Half an hour later his phone pinged. He reached out for it slowly after a few minutes. It was a text from David. Coordinates. He tossed it aside, not in the mood for one of David’s games right now. He closed his eyes again.

However not even ten minutes later Jonas was barging into the room, shouting and yelling.

“Up Luigi! Up!” He yelled, pulling away the blankets.

“Fuck off!” Matteo muttered.

Jonas pulled him upright and tossed some clothes at him. 

“Get up, we’re going out,” Jonas said.

“We fucking are not,” Matteo said, trying to pull the blankets back.

Jonas held firm.

“I will drag you in your pyjamas don’t think I won’t,” Jonas said, grinning at him.

Matteo blinked blearily at him. There was a determined expression on his face and Matteo realised he wasn’t going to leave. He sighed and changed into the clothes Jonas had thrown at him.

When he was dressed, Jonas allowed him to go into the bathroom and clean himself up. Matteo could hardly be bothered, but he splashed his face and brushed his teeth to get rid of the taste of beer.

When he stepped out Jonas placed his hands on Matteo’s shoulder’s pushing him toward the door. Matteo shrugged him off.

“I’m coming ok? Stop pushing,” Matteo said.

“Sorry I’m excited,” Jonas said, practically bouncing him down the stairs.

“Where are we going?” Matteo asked.

“Here,” Jonas said, showing him coordinates on his phone.

What was David up to? Did he even care? Honestly Matteo just wanted to sleep.

“Jonas I’m not in the mood,” Matteo said.

“You will be,” Jonas promised.

So Matteo allowed himself to be pulled along for almost an hour, grumbling that his feet hurt, that was tired, that he was hungry. Jonas wouldn’t even let them stop for food. Eventually they stopped in front of some abandoned old building, it was crumbling, and Matteo was pretty sure it was about to collapse.

Jonas smiled clearly proud of himself.

“I’m not going in,” Matteo muttered, “it’s dark.”

“Scared?” Jonas asked.

Matteo shrugged. “Not scared, but also not keen on getting lost in there.”

“If you’re scared I’ll hold your hand,” David said, appearing out of nowhere.

“Not scared,” Matteo mumbled, but he took the hand David offered him.

“See you later boys,” Jonas said, as David led Matteo into the building.

“What is this place?” Matteo asked.

“It’s an old cinema, abandoned since the seventies,” David explained.

“Then why are we here?” Matteo asked, trying not to stumble over the broken furniture.

“I thought we could watch a movie,” David said.

“It’s abandoned,” Matteo argued.

“I know, that means we have the place all to ourselves,” David said, leading him deeper into the building. 

He seemed to know where he was going, which was good because Matteo couldn’t see a thing. He clung tightly to David who steadied him every time he stumbled.

Then he let go of Matteo’s hand to push open a heavy old wooden door, he stepped inside and motioned for Matteo to follow him. Matteo did and stopped dead almost immediately. His breath caught in his chest. He blinked rapidly to stop the tears from falling.

“Oh,” he whispered.

They were inside the old auditorium, it was in quite a state of disrepair, half the chairs missing, the curtains long gone. Light shining in slightly where some of the blackout boards had fallen away. But it didn’t matter, because David had covered the entire room in string lights. In the middle of the room, where most of the chairs were missing, David had set out blankets tons of pillows. There were boxes of food and cans of soda. It was a perfect picnic.

Matteo followed David to the blankets and sat down, when he gestured. David sat down beside him.

“Ok?”

Matteo nodded, he couldn’t speak.

“I thought we could have a little picnic, don’t worry, Laura helped make the food. But first I wanted to show you something. It’s not even close to finished, but this has been what's been taking up all my time at school. It’s my first project and I just wanted it to be perfect because well you’ll see…”

David got out a little projector and clicked it onto his phone, setting it up to project onto the big screen. It was small, only filling a quarter of the screen, but Matteo had to admit it gave a cool effect. He knew nothing of aesthetics, but this was pretty awesome. 

David sat down behind Matteo, his legs either side of his waist, cradling him and allowing him to sit upright but lean against him. 

“It’s called  _ Alone _ ,” David said.

The film opened to a shaky video of a young boy dressed in black swinging on a swing set. He was by himself. A determined look on his face. There were other children in the park, running around having fun. But the boy was alone.

David’s voice came out from the speaker.

_ For most of my life I have been alone. Sure I had my parents, I had some school friends but we were never that close, just the outcasts thrown together because no one else wanted to be friends with us. But nobody has ever understood me, Laura my sister, has tried desperately bless her and I love her so much for it. But I’ve always felt alone. Even surrounded by a hundred people… _

The film cut to the same boy with wild messy hair, blowing out birthday candles, he looked lost surrounded by parcels wrapped in pink. Everyone around him was laughing and clapping. But the boy looked sad. Matteo knew this feeling. 

“I cut my hair myself,” David whispered into his ear.

“I can tell,” Matteo said, smiling and leaning further back against David.

The video cut again to David playing football with a group of kids, but he was still slightly off, slightly on the outside of the other kids.

_ I told myself everyday that I didn't care until I eventually convinced myself that it was true.  _

It cut to a photo of David and Laura, Laura sister squeezing him tight, David scowling, but amused.

_ I started to push away those who did care, those who were trying their hardest to understand. I had a plan, to finish school and go, never look back and then... _

A picture of Matteo, slumped over leaning against the brick walls at school, staring at nothing.

_ Then some asshole came along and told me that being alone was the worst thing in the world… _

A video clip of Matteo sleeping, that first Saturday they spent together, late in the afternoon. In his sleep he reached out for David.

_ That was all it took, my years of beliefs shattered by a sad lonely boy...  _

Then Matteo’s face filled the screen, he was lying on his bed, David was kneeling over him, filming from his phone, trying to get him to sing. Matteo was just pulling faces.

Behind him David wrapped an arm around him, pressing a kiss to his cheek, mirroring the video on the screen now, where they swayed and danced without music.

_ He's not quite right of course, being alone is horrible, it's lonely and sad and makes the days so hard sometimes. I never realised how hard back then until things became easier with Matteo, now there were two of us to face the world.  _

_ But there are worse things than being alone, logically I know this. And I would survive and I would cope if I were alone again. And so would Matteo, he's a lot stronger than people think. But God I hope I never have to, because I never want to be alone again.  _

The screen faded to black.

“It’s not finished, I have more I want to add, and I need to sort out the voice overs and stuff, but er… can you see what I’m trying to say?” David asked, sounding shy.

Matteo burst into tears.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry! I’ve been so petty and begrudging you for working so hard and getting all stupid and jealous thinking you were just having fun with your new friends and-”

“Hey now, hey,” David hushed him. “This was not to make you feel guilty, ok? Don’t cry. I’ve been keeping secrets, not bad ones, but it’s understandable that you were upset. I should’ve known really. I know how you overthink things but I just got so excited because I'd had this perfect idea, all I wanted was to make a movie about you,” he explained.

“And I ruined the surprise,” Matteo said.

“No no.. I had to tell you soon anyway, the film is like half about you, more than really. I can’t show that in class without asking you first. I’m not gonna lie, none of today was planned, I was just going to show you when it was a bit better. A bit closer to ready, you know? Because I figured it would take a lot of convincing.”

Matteo stayed quiet, snuggling closer into David’s arms.

“I should’ve told you what I was doing,” David murmured, pressing a kiss to his shoulder.

“No you shouldn’t, I’m just being stupid and paranoid,” Matteo said,

“Stop it, don’t dismiss your feelings, I want you to tell me when you feel like this ok?” David insisted.

“Ok,” Matteo said.

“And I promise to keep you in the loop about what I’m doing, and if it’s something I want to surprise you with? Then that’s what I'll tell you ok? And if I get too caught up in it, tell me. You’re allowed to complain Matteo. I know you think that you can’t but you can ok? If something upsets you I want you to tell me,” David insisted.

“But…”

“If you upset me, would you want me to tell you?”

“Yeah but that’s like a given,” Matteo said.

“No it’s really not Matteo, it’s really not,” David said, he sounded so sad.

He squeezed him tight, pressing a kiss to his temple. Matteo sank into him, loving the pressure. He felt so safe. The building could fall down around them and he wouldn’t care.

“I know you don’t exactly have any good examples of what a healthy relationship should look like, and you’ve normalised a lot of bad behaviours. They’re going to take years to unlearn, but you are good enough for me ok? No you are perfect for me. I love you, so much, you are not a burden or too difficult or any of the stupid shit your brain tells you. To me you are perfect,” David said, with pure conviction in his voice.

Matteo couldn’t help but believe him.


	8. and if all we have is time then we’ll be alright

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which Hanna is there for Matteo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reposted from tumblr. This one wasn't a prompt, but I thought of it last when I was writing this bed feels cold without you. When David thinks about how Hanna has helped him with Matteo when he’s going through an episode and I just wanted to write a quick little fic about it. Because Hanna and Matteo friendship is one of my favourite things in Druck.

David needed to go to school, he’d already missed three days and he was getting behind. Soon he wasn’t going to be able to catch up. He had two script projects and a short film due at the end of the month and he hadn’t worked on them in days.

But he couldn’t leave Matteo alone, he was currently sitting in a chair beside the bed. Matteo was finally sleeping after crying all night. David hadn’t left his side, they’d tried having Jonas stay with him. Amira had offered and so had Hans, but Matteo couldn’t bear their company. They all understood, he was depressed, he needed things a certain way right now. He thought that he was better alone, and any of them staying with him made it feel worse.

Jonas had come in quietly ready to sit with him while David went to class, but he’d gently asked Matteo how he was doing. He’d completely broken down and screamed for Jonas to leave, asked to be alone. Jonas had left looking devastated. 

David had asked if Matteo would let Amira or Hans stay instead and Matteo had told him to just leave him alone to suffer by himself. David hadn’t done that, of course, knew that Matteo absolutely didn’t want to be alone. Knew that David’s company was all he could stand. David knew if he really wanted him to leave him alone he wouldn’t cling to him so tightly whenever David moved.

He also knew this would pass and Matteo would let the others in again but he had no idea how long that would be. And he knew that Matteo would be devastated when he realised how much time he’d kept David here and it would take a lot of convincing to make him understand that there was nowhere David would rather be. 

There was a soft knock at the door. 

“It’s Hanna can I come in?”

"Yeah,” David said, his voice cracking from lack of use. 

The door opened and Hanna entered cautiously. She approached the bed and sat down beside Matteo who stirred but didn’t wake. She lent over and gently brushed his sweaty hair from his face. 

"I can sit with him while you go to school,” she offered. 

"He’s not really… he won’t let anyone else stay,” David explained. 

Hanna nodded and shook Matteo’s shoulder gently, waking him. He blinked blearily at them 

"David needs to go to school for a bit, so I’m going to keep you company,” she told him.

David noted it wasn’t phrased as a question and he was unsure how he felt about it, but it was said gently enough that Matteo still had space to argue. To his surprise Matteo just turned over so that his head was now resting in Hanna’s lap. She continued to stroke his hair and he fell back asleep. 

“Thank you so much,” David whispered. 

He got up from the chair groaning at the stiffness of his joints and headed to the shower. When he came back clean and dressed Matteo was awake and crying again but Hanna was unphased, continuing to stroke his hair and sing softly. She nodded to him.

“Don’t worry I got this,” she insisted. 

She’d obviously done this before. But there was no time to ask right now, he smiled at her, pressed a kiss to Matteo’s forehead and headed out. He hated this, hated leaving him, but he had to get on with things. Matteo would hate that he was putting his life on hold.

When he got back six hours later Hanna and Matteo hadn’t moved. They were in exactly the same position as when he’d left, except their eyes were closed now, both sleeping. David left the pizzas he’d picked up on the bed and went to grab some drinks and napkins.

“Hey,” he said softly when he walked back into the room.

Hanna blinked awake.

“Oh hey, what time is it?” she asked.

“About six,” David told her.

“Ugh.”

She stretched and gently pushed Matteo off her lap, he sniffled a little but stayed sleeping.

“Bathroom,” she said getting up and heading out of the room.

David went over to Matteo, but decided not to wake him, he seemed peaceful for the first time in days. David wasn’t going to disturb that.

Instead he sat down gently beside him. Hanna came back into the room 

“Oh my god food, thank you!” she said, reaching out to grab a slice. “I was going to cook but I guess I fell asleep,” she said.

“Thank you for today,” David said.

“It’s no problem,” she said.

“You’ve done this before,” David guessed.

“Yeah,” she said.

She didn’t elaborate, so David waited.

“A lot actually, not always like this, but…”

She was quiet for a while, a distant worried expression on her face.

“The first time was in the summer before we started high school. I don’t remember where Jonas was, on holiday perhaps, but I don’t think he would’ve gone to Jonas anyway. I don’t know. Anyway as per usual his parents had been fighting, or yelling at each other. Which is bad enough,” she started.

David nodded, knowing the effect it had had on Matteo and how sensitive it had left him to loud noises.

“So Matteo’s dad stormed out, his mum broke down, the usual. He’d dealt with this a lot by now, but I think he was just exhausted by it, his mum had a particularly bad attack and he was just trapped in that house with her for days. He just showed up at mine it must have been three am, and he was just on my doorstep, in his pyjamas, crying his eyes out. He’d walked across town like that. I’d never seen him so lost,” she told him, her eyes shining from the memory.

“What did you do?”

“This, just sat with him, held him until he could calm down. That’s all you can do, he’s strong enough to pull himself out, he just needs time, and comfort really,” she explained.

“You love him very much,” David said.

“Of course,” she said.

“Even after everything he did?” David asked.

“Does he still worry about that?” she asked, frowning.

“Sometimes,” David said.

“I’ll talk to him again,” she said, “he’s one of my oldest friends, I forgave him ages ago,” she said.

“Maybe he should bring it up with his therapist,” David suggested.

“How he struggles to forgive himself?” she asked.

“Yeah,” he said.

“Stop talking about me,” Matteo muttered, his voice muffled by the pillow.

“Sorry Teo,” David murmured.

“Doing ok?” Hanna asked.

“No. Obviously,” he said into the pillow.

“Obviously,” Hanna repeated.

“I’m still tired,” he said.

“We’ll let you sleep then,” David said, stroking his hair.

“Ok. Thank you for today Hanna,” Matteo said.

“No problem, I’ll be back tomorrow,” she told him.

She waited.

“Ok,” Matteo said.

“Thank you,” David mouthed.

Hanna just smiled and David understood why Matteo had gone to her years ago. He was glad she was here with him.


	9. and i can't help but keep on thinking these thoughts are gonna bury me alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David should be happy now, everything is good. He has good friends, a good boyfriend, he's studying film like he always wanted. Everything is going well. But it only takes the arrival of someone new to shake things up and send him back to being that jealous angry kid he once was. But he's not alone this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the prompts:
> 
> What about insecure jealous David? Matteo makes a new friend, who likes Matteo very much. And David has fears and is afraid of not being good enough (which is bullshit ofc)
> 
> Something involving jealousy? But more in the insecure kinda way? Feeling like you are not good enough and that this other person could be better for your partner?
> 
> These two came in pretty close to each other anons you have great minds! Hopefully, you like!

David had always been a jealous guy. Ever since he was a small child. Jealous of the boys at school who had what he wanted, what he needed. Jealous of the girls who didn’t hate their bodies, didn’t feel the same way he did and could just fit. Jealous of all of them and way they all fit themselves exactly so. He hated it. He envied the way the teachers, their parents addressed them correctly. It wasn’t fair the way they grew into their bodies while his own grew into something else, something that wasn’t his own. It was a constant feeling, simmering under the surface. He’d come to understand what it was, why it was, and over the years it had eased somewhat. It was always there though, at the back of his mind, just something he had to ignore.

There were other things he was jealous of too. He used to be so jealous of Laura and the way their parents saw her exactly right. Didn’t question her. Saw her as exactly who she was but when it came to him they mistook him for someone else. And refused to see it differently no matter how many times he fought them on it. 

Laura always saw him. Laura always loved him for exactly who he was. Without question or hesitation. He was her little brother and he always would be. She was his family and all he needed. That tempered the jealousy he felt, it was hard to hold onto when he loved her so much. She chose him every time, he needn’t be jealous of her. She was his true family.

He’d been jealous of Matteo too when they’d first met. Or a bit before that. When everything seemed so easy to him, his relationship with Sara, his easy friendships. Upon first glance, everything about him seemed perfect. Sure he seemed a little quiet, a little lost but his life had to be a far cry from the mess that David’s was. 

Wasn’t that the furthest thing from the truth? Matteo had his own struggles and plenty of them, his life was not perfect, far from it. Because nothing was ever as simple as it appeared at first glance. 

What he’d mistaken for easy-going was actually apathy and depression. It seemed like he didn’t have a care in the world because he couldn’t bring himself to, because he buried all his worries deep down and hid from them. His relationship with Sara nothing but a cover for his sexuality, a way of running from it, a way to keep from dealing with it. His friendships were real but under so much strain because keeping secrets put a burden on them. He couldn’t be honest with his friends so he couldn’t open up and share his worries. It was almost as if they weren’t friendships at all. David had been jealous for only a few moments of a person who didn’t exist.

It had been after that heart-stopping moment where they ran into each other in the corridor and their eyes had met. David had almost died right then and there. He’d never felt so drawn to a person. All he’d wanted to do was turn around. He’d just about kept his cool but since that moment Matteo had been everywhere. David was good at keeping his head down, going unnoticed but there’d been a few close calls where he’d almost got caught staring. Not by Matteo but other students. Because he had been staring. Watching Matteo with his friends, draping himself over them and over various items of furniture. Seen him with Sara, following her around. Seen him wandering the corridors seemingly without a care in the world. He’d seemed so untouchable then. 

Then they’d met for real and all that jealousy faded with the first few sentences they shared. He saw Matteo for real in just a moment and that had been it. He was sweet. He was quiet, soft-spoken. He seemed shy but David was sure he was flirting. The jealousy was gone in an instant. Replaced with want like he’d never known before. When Sara walked in and kissed him he wasn’t even jealous of her, surprised maybe but not jealous. It was obvious to him that Matteo would rather be doing anything else. Everyone else seemed blind to it but he saw. He knew. 

After that, he’d had to try so hard to keep reminding himself that Matteo was untouchable, that he couldn’t have him. He was no longer jealous he just wanted. Wanted more than he’d ever wanted before. But he couldn’t resist, kept going back time and time again. And Matteo showed him it was ok to want. That he didn’t need to be jealous. He could have these things he wanted. He could have Matteo. Sweet, honest, Matteo who always got so amused when David talked about what he thought of him before they’d met. When David showed him sketches he’d made of the boy in the corridor with the sad eyes.

So David was no stranger to jealousy. He’d never known jealousy like this though. Everything before this had been underlying, something he would just bottle up until he could ignore it. Until it passed. A low simmering bitterness that he hoped would fade over the years as he finally became comfortable with who he was. And it had. He was more comfortable, more confident, he thought he was mostly over it. He thought now that he’d made it to film school, found a group of friends who shared his interests and friends in his own community he could be above jealousy. He thought now that he was happy with Matteo this wouldn’t happen anymore. 

This jealousy was something else. This was explosive and hot, at the forefront of his mind constantly. It made him angry, short-tempered and mean. The cause? Fynn Martin, Matteo’s new best friend or god knows what he was now. Matteo was probably with him right now. He’d driven him away after all.

Matteo had probably gone running straight into his arms, scared off by David. He’d fucked it all up now. Because he was just a jealous, bitter, shitty boyfriend. 

It all started when Matteo started uni. He’d taken a year off, worked and gotten himself on track. He’d been doing so well that he thought he was ready to try school again. He knew what he wanted now. So he applied and got in after a few assessments and now he was studying child psychology. David couldn’t be prouder. This was what he was meant to do. 

He was supposed to help people. There was no other path for him. His kind, gentle, patient boyfriend was the perfect candidate to be a therapist or a counsellor for struggling kids. Not because he’d been through it himself, suffering a difficult and troubled childhood. Or because his mental health was something he had to work at harder than others. No this suited him because he listened. Matteo listened to people better than anyone he’d ever met, had unmatchable levels of emotional intelligence, was empathetic to a fault. He would be perfect at this.

David had done nothing but encourage him. Knew he could do it. So did all their friends. 

And he could, he was doing well. He was going to succeed.

But it was a big jump and he’d struggled to settle in. Struggled to get used to the structure and the deadlines. It was different to school, he had a lot more independence, was expected to arrange his time efficiently and while he could it was a big adjustment. 

He started getting overwhelmed with it all and not speaking up. Just suffering in silence and exhausting himself. David noticed but he needn’t have worried. Professor Maxwell, his personal tutor and his Foundations of Psychology lecturer had seen it immediately. It was her training after all. It’s why her students loved her, she took the time with them to make sure they all figured out their own way of learning that would work for her. 

She’d pulled him aside and made him talk to her, told him he wasn’t going to be successful if he didn’t speak up when things got hard. So he had. Had told her how he’d struggled to prioritise his assignments, struggled to focus on them. Found the class sizes overwhelming and found it really difficult to focus on the material at the same time as she was talking. She’d drawn him up a learning plan in minutes. He now got the lecture materials in advanced. She helped him communicate with his other professors so that as well as deadlines they helped him weight and prioritise each assignment. And then she asked golden boy and top third-year student Fynn Martin to study with him, mentor him and keep him on track.

Perfect Fynn had hit it off with Matteo immediately. And now they were thick as thieves. They studied together, hung out and talked about their shared interests. Attended optional lectures for fun. Even Jonas had noticed although he was more amused than anything else. David was not amused.

Matteo said they were just friends but Fynn very obviously wanted more, he flirted with Matteo constantly, touched him all the time. He was always hugging him. He was all over him and Matteo was a tactile guy, responded in kind which only encouraged him.

Fynn was tall, handsome, and smart. He had this stupid perfect swoopy brown hair that fell just so across his forehead. He seemed so charming and harmless. David knew better, he’d set his sights on Matteo and it was only a matter of time before Matteo saw what he was missing. Saw how Fynn wanted him and realised how much of a better option he was than David. 

David supposed Fynn didn’t get jealous like this. Probably didn't have to. He was perfect, what was there to be jealous of for him? He could win Matteo away from him easily. He didn’t have to wait for his body to match his brain. He didn’t have to try so hard it almost killed him, just to be his true self. He had everything and he still wanted Matteo and he would win. He knew he would. 

David had ignored it as best as he could, bottling up for weeks but of course he couldn’t contain it. Not forever. Matteo had noticed eventually, had tried to engage him tried to get him to talk. But David had told him he needed space, time and, of course, Matteo had obliged. He’d learnt his lesson there. He hated himself for using that excuse. Knew Matteo was scared he was going to be pushed away again but he couldn’t help it.

It was all to no avail. He’d blown up, of course, he had. He couldn’t wait any longer for Matteo to leave him. So he’d done what he did best. Second, only to running away he pushed, pushed at him until he left. 

Matteo had come home from class buzzing and happy and David remembered when he used to make Matteo that happy. Something in him had snapped. Matteo had suggested they have dinner. He’d said no. Knowing what he was like Matteo had suggested they go for a walk, get him out of the apartment. David had said no. Matteo asked him if he wanted to watch a movie. He’d said no, that he had to study. Matteo asked if they could study together and he’d snapped, he told him to fuck off and go study with Fynn.

He’d never seen that look of hurt on his boyfriend’s face before. Never wanted to again. Not that it mattered. He probably wouldn't get to see his face again anyway. 

Matteo had asked what he was talking about and David had lost it, just unloaded everything he’d kept locked up the past month and a bit. How he felt, how much better Fynn was than him, that he didn’t understand why Matteo was still with him. Told Matteo that he should just leave, go be with Fynn, that it was better to leave now, that it would probably be less painful. He was crying when he said all this but when Matteo stepped up and tried to comfort him he told him to go. Begged him to just leave him alone.

He didn’t know what reaction he expected from Matteo. An argument maybe? Him to fight back? Defend himself? Instead, Matteo just stared at him like he’d never seen him before. Didn’t say a word, just backed out of the room slowly. David stood there frozen, listened to the door close quietly as Matteo left the apartment.

From anyone else the silence, the lack of comment would’ve been telling. An admission of guilt but not from Matteo. He was silent because he was in shock. David had blindsided him with all of this. He’d kept it quiet hadn’t even expressed his concerns or worries to his boyfriend and he’d devastated him. But he didn’t want to fight, didn’t want to argue. Not when he didn’t have the words to defend himself or even talk about what was going on without getting upset and possibly angry. 

So he’d taken himself out of the situation. Because he was doing so much better, he was so good at taking care of himself. David encouraged him to. Assured him that it was important to put himself first. And there he was undoing all the progress Matteo had made with his pathetic jealousy. 

Matteo was right to leave. Right to go straight to Fynn. Fynn wouldn’t yell at him. Fynn would probably be a good boyfriend. He made Matteo laugh, he was really smart, he was interested in psychology just like Matteo. 

David just wanted to cry at the unfairness of it all.

He hadn’t seen or heard from Matteo since. The thing was he knew Matteo wasn’t mad, he was just regrouping. He’d pushed him away what did he expect? He didn’t deserve Matteo to come running back to him. But he would, he’d come back probably out of obligation to him. He was trapped with him now. Poor Matteo.

The phone rang, pulling David out of his funk. He jumped for it. He would grovel and apologise all night if it meant Matteo would come home. He knew he’d fucked up. He needed to make it right. If he could have just one more chance he could prove he was better than Fynn.

It was Matteo calling and he almost dropped the phone in his haste to answer it. 

“Matteo? Matteo, I’m so sorry please-”

“Hi is this David? It’s Fynn.”

Fucking hell. What was this? Was Matteo getting Fynn to call and end it all? Had he scared him so much? Or did he think that he wasn’t even worth the time? He’d finally let Fynn show him what he was missing. David was so fucking stupid. He’d ruined everything. He just wanted to hang up but he didn’t. Just in case he got to speak to Matteo.

“David are you there? Sorry, can you hear me?”

Fynn obviously wasn’t going to let this go. He was going to do this gently too. Because he was so nice, wasn’t he? He was going to kindly tell David that Matteo wasn’t coming back. That he’d won.

“What do you want?”

“Can you get here, please? Matteo needs you, we’re in the library.” David finally noted the strain in his tone. The panic. He was trying to sound calm, keep his voice measured but there was clearly a situation. David stopped wallowing immediately. There wasn’t time. He was upright and getting dressed in a flash.

“What’s happened?”

“Can you get here?”

“The library?”

“The one on campus, we were studying, he got upset, I think he needs you.” Fynn tried to explain but David barely heard him, shoving on his shoes and jacket. Matteo needed him, that was all he could think right now.

“It’s me that’s upset him-”

“No it’s not, please just get here,” Fynn insisted.

So David did. He bolted out of the door and jumped on his bike. Because Fynn had sounded worried, not his usual friendly self at all. He was stressed. Something was really wrong. This wasn’t a play or a joke. They weren’t fucking around. Matteo needed him. And no matter what was going on between them he would never abandon him when he needed him. 

He pedalled hard and pushed himself till he made it to the campus. Thankfully they’d chosen a little apartment only ten minutes away. His mind raced the entire time. What was going on? What state would he find Matteo in when he got there? He felt sick with worry. Why had he let Matteo walk out of that door?

When he got there he practically flung his bike down and rushed into the building, straight up to the top floor where he knew Matteo liked to study and look out across campus. David joined him here a lot, loved studying with him. Or distracting him while he tried to focus. He was allowed, had express permission to distract him as much as he wanted. 

Matteo loved studying with him too. He studied with him more than he did with Fynn even though he was writing movies and couldn’t offer much help with Matteo’s assignments. He said it was for the company. David was starting to think he’d misread this entire thing. The doubts were settling in. Matteo loved him. God, why had he fucked everything up?

He found them in the corner, at a table. Or the books were on the table. Matteo was in the corner with his eyes closed. Fynn crouching by him but not touching him. Two other students were standing to one side. They’d obviously been studying together. All of them not just Matteo and Fynn. One of them, a girl with short blond hair approached him as soon as she saw him.

Despite the situation she seemed excited. “David? Are you David? His boyfriend? He talks about you all the time!”

“Yeah what’s going on?” he asked, rushing over to Matteo, she stopped him with a hand on his arm.

“I thought so, wow you’re even more handsome than he said you were, damn! And-”

“Fleur for fuck sakes.” 

The other student stepped in between them shaking his head. He was bouncing slightly with nerves, kept glancing over at Matteo. 

David paused to let this guy explain what had happened. Matteo wasn’t going anywhere and David needed to gauge the situation. He nodded for him to continue. 

“David he just shut down, he read something in the book and he just shut down. He just got up to leave but it was like he couldn’t he just sat down again.” The guy gestured to where Matteo was crouching. “He flinched when we approached but he’s mentioned how you help him. How sometimes he gets how no one else but you can touch him so we haven't, we just called you. I’m Mikael by the way, I’m in Matteo’s Behaviour class.”

“Thank you.” David approached Matteo and Fynn.

“Hi David,” Fynn said.

David ignored him and crouched down beside Matteo. He didn’t even look up but his eyes were open now and he was staring into space. David reached out and ran his fingers through Matteo’s hair. Matteo didn’t flinch now, just sank into his touch. He looked at Fynn now, expectantly.

“It was about neglect, childhood neglect and it just shook him. He tried to keep going and he just got quieter and quieter.”

David nodded.

“Matteo?”

“David?”

“I’m here, I’m here,” David whispered, sitting down and pulling him against him. 

God, it felt good to have him in his arms again.

“I’m sorry,” Matteo whispered.

Because of course he did, his default was always to blame himself.

“Don’t. Just don’t Matteo, you’ve done nothing wrong.  _ I’m  _ sorry,” David insisted.

“Can I come home now?” Matteo asked. 

David wanted nothing more. He would take him home and care for him through these bad memories he’d unlocked and they would move passed this whole stupid thing. “Yes come on,” he said gently. He helped Matteo up, he was a little wobbly on his feet but he was managing.

“Do you need a hand?” Fynn asked.

“Not from you,” David snapped. Just because he knew he’d been foolish didn’t mean he had to be nice to this guy. He didn’t need him, he didn’t need any of them. They were fine. He took care of Matteo, no one else. He knew how to help him when everything got too loud and bright, when everything made his brain hurt and his stomach ache. David took care of him. Not Fynn. Fynn didn’t know anything. 

“David please,” Matteo whispered, clinging to him. 

He was done with this place.

“Let’s go home Matteo,” David murmured.

He carefully led his boyfriend out of the library, only stopping to lock his bike up. He would come back for it later, he didn’t want to let go of Matteo right now to push it home. 

It took three times as long to get home than it had taken him to get to the library. Matteo didn’t speak, just held his hand tight the entire way. David felt him relaxing the closer they got to the apartment. He was ok, just a little shaken up.

When they got back to the apartment Matteo kicked off his shoes and went straight to the bedroom. David followed him slowly, not sure if he would be wanted but unable to stop himself. He found Matteo on the bed, just laying there fully dressed. David laid down next to him. 

Matteo immediately rolled to him and David held him close. He didn’t know if it was welcome, if he deserved it but he wrapped himself around Matteo anyway. Matteo didn't hesitate or pull away, just sank into his arms.

“Ok Matteo?”

“It said I was abused,” Matteo whispered, burying himself against David. Pressing against him like he thought he could disappear inside David, burying himself in his chest somewhere just below his heart. Exactly where he belonged.

“What?”

“The stupid book,” Matteo mumbled.

David just held him close and stroked his hair.

“What did it say?”

“That my papa leaving all the time and my mama not being able to take care of me, that was neglect and essentially it was abuse. Maybe not intentional but they still hurt me and I don’t know I think I knew deep down how badly they'd fucked up and I didn’t acknowledge it so to see it there in front of me it really hurt…”

“I know babe I’m so fucking sorry,” David whispered, pressing kisses to his temple.

“For what?” Matteo frowned up at him, genuinely confused.

“For yelling at you,” David murmured.

He was wracked with guilt and even though Matteo was struggling with the demons of his past David needed to do this now. Needed Matteo to know how sorry he was.

“You didn't yell?”

That’s right he hadn't yelled. He had perhaps exaggerated their fight somewhat in his mind. Tended to do that, blow things out of proportion. Especially when he was just going over it in his head. Just like this entire thing with Fynn.

“You were sad,” Matteo continued, “you were so fucking sad and I’m so sorry I just walked away but it was so much. You’d held in so much and it hurt. It hurt to hear it all like that so suddenly. I just I had to leave, I didn’t want to fight,” he said.

David got it he’d understood the moment Matteo had walked away. He’d rather Matteo keep himself safe. But Matteo was doing it to protect him because he didn’t know how he was going to react and he didn’t want to yell if David was upset. 

“I know, I know. You did the right thing.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t answer your messages, I was coming back tonight anyway,” Matteo said.

“It was only a day huh? I felt so lost without you,” David said.

God, it all seemed so stupid now, everything blown out of proportion. He was so dramatic sometimes.

“I’m sorry,” Matteo mumbled. 

David just rolled over so he was laying on top of him.

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” he murmured.

“I’m sorry I didn’t notice the thing with Fynn,” Matteo said, glancing up at him.

David just kissed him, soft and tender. “I’m sorry I got so jealous.”

“It’s ok.”

“No, it’s not.”

“Ok no it’s not but I think it’s normal to feel this way sometimes, you just gotta talk about it, you can’t keep this shit in look what happened.”

He was such a psych major already. Two months in and he was already talking like a therapist. Hew as always good at understanding David though.

“I know,” David agreed.

“You know I’m not leaving you right? And not for Fynn, what the hell?”

He looked so perplexed at the idea that David laughed.

“I know. I fucking knew the whole time it’s just… it would be so easy with Fynn if you were to chose him.”

Matteo sat up then almost dislodging him but he gripped him close.

David felt so small and insecure at that moment, his greatest worries laid bare for Matteo to see. But he wanted him to, trusted him with it. Wanted him to see every single part of him good and bad. Even those dark jealous bitter parts. Wanted Matteo to see it and tell him it would be ok, chase away those fears.

“There’s no fucking choice, there is no choice for me, it doesn’t even make sense to me how you think this way but I do get it. I get insecurity David, I know exactly how you feel.”

He laid back down and flipped them so that he was the one holding David close, comforting him. He knew he was supposed to be comforting Matteo but it felt so good.

“I love you,” David whispered.

“I love you too, talk to me David, don’t let yourself feel like this.” Matteo held him tight and David just sank further and further into him.

All of it seemed so stupid now. How could he have ever doubted this man? Matteo loved him. So much. He wouldn’t leave him. Wouldn’t even think of it. The idea of Fynn and him didn’t even cross his mind because he only had thoughts of David. Told him literally every day.

“I won’t. I won’t. I just… I got so in my own fucking head.”

Matteo nodded sympathetically. Biting his lip. He was nervous about whatever he was going to say next..

“Do you want me to stop being friends with Fynn?” he asked.

And David could see that he would, even though he didn’t want to, he would. And all that shame came rushing back.

“No! Fucking no, of course not. I’m not that guy ok? I’m not,” he insisted.

“It’s ok I will-”

“I know you will. I don’t want you too, but if you could…”

“Anything,” Matteo said.

“Could you maybe ask him to stop flirting?” David asked because he hated that the most.

“He isn’t-”

“He is. Maybe he’s just a flirty guy. I know you don’t see it but he is, please just make him stop and-”

“I’ll talk to him,” Matteo assured him, he kissed him, then kissed him again.

David felt all his worries fade away. They were fine. Damn wasn’t everything so much easier when he just spoke to Matteo? He just got him. Understood him. He knew what he needed and he didn’t question it. He never made him feel small or stupid or that his fears were unfounded. Only ever made him feel loved. Always loved.

“Thank you,” David said.

“It was that easy see?”

His boyfriend was teasing him but it was nothing but pure love. It was his best way of showing it. Teasing him and hitting him apparently. David just had to put up with it. Loved putting up with it.

“Thank you Matteo,” he said sincerely.

“For what?” Matteo asked curiously. He rolled them again so they were lying facing each other. Reaching out and running his fingers over his face, tracing his cheekbones, his eyes, his nose, finally bringing them to rest on his lips. David kissed at them making him smile.

He took hold of them and tangled them together. 

“For getting it, for not making a big deal out this, for just understanding what I needed,” he said.

“You always understand what I need, that’s why it’s always going to be you David,” Matteo murmured, eyes drifting closed.

It was amazing how he did that. How now that they were pretty much done, now that everything was resolved he would just drop off to sleep in a matter of minutes. David supposed he’d just been holding off sleep for their conversation. But it was still impressive.

“Yeah?”

“Thank you for not making me talk about my parents, thank you for talking about this instead,” Matteo said.

They would come back to it when he was ready and not a moment sooner.

“I love you so damn much,” David said, pulling him close and dragging the blankets over them.

Now they were wrapped around each other equally both of them taking comfort in each other. Matteo got heavier and heavier as he pressed against him, drifting further and further into slumber. David stayed awake a little longer just marvelling at this man in his arms. How lucky he was to have found him.

Early the next day David was woken by the buzzer. His head was pounding from all the upset last night and all he wanted to do was go back to sleep. Matteo was sleeping soundly beside him and all he wanted to do was curl up with him. But the buzzer went again so he dragged himself up and out of bed, not wanting Matteo to be woken.

“Hello?” he said groggily, leaning heavily against the wall.

“Hi David, it’s Fynn.”

“Jesus fucking Christ,” David muttered, too quiet for Fynn to hear. How the hell was he so chirpy this early in the morning?

“I know. You hate me. Blah blah blah,” he said cheerily. So maybe he had heard him. Still didn’t need to be so smug about it though. David was going to strangle him when he saw him. “I have Matteo’s bag, his books and stuff,” Fynn clarified.

He actually wanted to come up? He was tempted to tell him to just leave it in the stairwell but he didn’t think he could be that rude.

“Fine.” David buzzed him into the building then ran into the bedroom to throw on some clothes. Joggers, a t-shirt and one of Matteo’s heavy grandpa sweaters. It was freezing in the apartment. He turned the heating back on so that it would be warm for when Matteo woke up. Matteo kept asking him to put it on a timer but they got up at different times every day so they hadn’t bothered yet. He ran back to the door and opened it to Fynn. He tried to feign his enthusiasm and gratitude as he took the bag from him. He nodded his thanks and made to shut the door but Fynn held it open. Damn him.

“Can we talk?”

“Really?” David hissed. He wasn’t even going to pretend to be happy about this. All he wanted was to get back to Matteo, he was still feeling fragile. Out of sorts.

“Please? Just five minutes.”

David sighed heavily but stepped aside to let him in. He wasn’t even going to pretend to be nice. Fynn apparently knew he hated him so why bother? He wondered if Matteo had told him yesterday or he’d gotten the impression the one time they’d met in person. He’d been nicer then, tried to pretend to be polite.

“Fine, come in I guess,” he muttered and showed him to the living room. “Do you want a drink?” he offered.

He had no idea where that even came from, he hadn’t wanted to offer anything. Somewhere at the back of his mind, a little voice was telling him to behave. That voice sounded an awful lot like Matteo.

“Don’t worry about it, I can see you just woke up. Seriously I just wanted to talk to you real quick.”

They sat down together on the sofa. David waited for him to say his piece.

“Ok first I just wanted to say sorry for flirting with Matteo all this time,” Fynn began.

Apparently he was just going to get right into it. David didn’t even know what to say. He wasn’t angry he was… grateful? That he was admitting to it, validating his worries. “I… oh.”

“Look I knew I was doing it but he never complained so I didn’t stop and I’m sorry for that. At first, it was real flirting, I thought he was cute so I flirted. He was so shy and he didn’t stop me, so I continued. He took a bit of time to open up to me, and then after about a week, he was finally telling me about himself. That’s when I found out about you, once he felt comfortable, safe I guess? Then all he talked about was you. He loves you very much.”

That kind of made sense, if Matteo didn’t know he was flirting then he probably didn’t know he wasn’t straight right away. He waited for a little before he shared his business with him. David tended not to hesitate, tended to talk about Matteo with anyone and everyone he met at school. 

“You didn’t stop flirting,” David pointed out.

“I didn’t, sorry about that,” Fynn said and he actually looked apologetic.

“God you’re fucking annoying,” David muttered, glancing at the bedroom door and reminding himself to keep his voice down. Matteo was still sleeping.

“He never asked me to stop.”

“Because he didn’t fucking know!”

Fynn nodded, holding his hands up. “I know. I know that now. I didn’t realise at first, I’m a flirty guy and I thought he didn’t mind, it honestly was just a bit of fun, you know because he’s so shy?”

David got it too, it was harmless fun. Just to make him blush nothing more.

“I…”

“He told me yesterday, that you were upset with him,” Fynn said.

“I never... I fucking kicked off. I was so shitty.”

“You know it’s ok to feel insecure right?”

God this guy was a pain in the ass. He was a genuinely nice guy, kind to a fault. Patient too. Had to be to put up with David. Kind of reminded him a little of Jonas. Of course, Matteo liked him. He struggled to make friends by himself so when it was easy like this of course he would be excited.

“Yeah, we can’t all be as perfect as you. Don’t I fucking know it,” he muttered.

“Hey come on, I’m trying to say sorry,” he said.

He may be a nice guy but he still got David’s back up. He was Matteo’s friend he didn’t have to like him.

“ _ You _ flirted with  _ my _ boyfriend,  _ you _ tried to steal him.”

Matteo couldn’t be stolen and he knew that he was just being childish now. Matteo was not his possession he was his boyfriend and he trusted him wholeheartedly. 

“I did not! Ok I flirted but it was just flirting, I flirt with everyone but it was always just playing, even at the beginning before I knew about you nothing would ever have happened,” he said.

David didn’t understand what he meant.

“But…”

“I’m his mentor it wouldn’t be ok at all. Ok, I’m just a student too, it’s just peer mentoring but I take it seriously. Friends is ok, nothing more. You know more than me that Maxwell paired us up because Matteo’s on the vulnerable side. First and foremost I’m here to help him get through the year. That does put me in a position of privilege. Just barely but it does. Yeah I shouldn’t have even flirted and I am sorry but… nothing more. Matteo’s my friend I don’t want to change that, he’s such a nice guy.”

Shit. Now David saw why he was the perfect student too. Just an all-round perfect guy. He was kind of boring actually. Too boring for Matteo but he was a good person. He was right too. The state Matteo was in because of his school stresses and his childhood traumas meant he was certainly someone who could be vulnerable to someone who would be shitty with their position.

“He is,” David agreed.

“Are you ok?” Fynn asked.

David frowned. “Me?”

“Yeah like I said Matteo told me what happened,” Fynn said.

David groaned realising what was happening. Fucking psych students. “Oh god please don’t do this.”

“He said you pretty much broke down. That you had been bottling it all up?”

David knew that tone. He’d seen therapists and counsellors. Fynn was certainly well on his way to that.

“Don’t you dare fucking psychoanalyse me,” David said, but there was no heat there.

Fynn was trying and he was being kind.

“It’s what I do, you didn’t do anything wrong-”

“Don’t-”

“What happened yesterday wasn’t your fault,” Fynn continued. “He was literally triggered by the book, even if you’d been there studying with us or not it would have happened.”

“I-”

They both looked up as the bedroom door opened and Matteo stepped into the living room, yawning and rubbing his eyes. “David? I- oh hey Fynn?” 

He just stood there, still a little out of it. Confused by Fynn’s presence. Or perhaps the fact that David hadn’t killed him.

“Hey Matteo nice boxers- sorry sorry. Shit I  _ will _ tone it down… or I could always flirt with you too? Even it out?”

“Tone it down,” David said through gritted teeth.

“Gotcha!”

“Everything ok?” Matteo asked nervously. He’d kicked off his trousers and undressed in the night and was clearly regretting that now.

David handed him a sweater from the back of the couch and he pulled it on gratefully. It was oversized and covered him up a little better.

“Everything’s fine. Fynn is unharmed. He just brought your books,” David explained.

Fynn laughed, he really seemed to find it very amusing.

“Thanks Fynn,” Matteo said.

He still didn’t sit down. He was vulnerable right now and Fynn was in his space. Their space. He hadn’t expected Fynn to stay this long. But he hadn’t minded talking to him. That much. He appreciated that he’d apologised and that he was willing to change his behaviour to make him comfortable. He could tell he cared about Matteo and it was important for David to see how much. He wanted him to stay friends with Matteo and over time. A lot of time. They could probably be friends too.

“You doing ok?” Fynn asked.

“Yeah,” Matteo said quietly, glancing at the bedroom door, clearly wanting out.

David was tempted to ask Fynn to leave but he was hoping he would get the hint.

“Talking about it?” Fynn pressed.

Or not.

Matteo scowled and now David knew he was about to kick off.

“I will. I have David and I have a therapist,” Matteo said, pulling at his sweater.

He didn’t share this stuff with many people. Fynn was his friend but he was still new.

Fynn was unfazed. “Good. And tell Maxwell… she won’t make you do this one. Or she’ll give you more time whatever you need, you gotta take care-”

David winced. He’d pushed too far.

“I’m not a child! I can do my fucking assignments. I’m not gonna have a breakdown over a fucking textbook!”

And if David needed more proof that they were just friends it was right there in front of him. It never got that volatile between them because he knew when Matteo needed pushing and when to leave it and give him time. He’d seen him argue with Jonas though. Exactly like this right now. Matteo had literally just figured out his trauma. Yes, he needed to deal with it but he needed to process this at his own pace. Fynn may be well versed in psychology but it was all from textbooks. David was well versed in Matteo, it was a language only he spoke. Fynn had no chance.

Fynn stood up, arms held up. “You want me to get said textbook? Show you and give you another panic attack?” Therapist Fynn was gone, now he was just a guy concerned about his friend. He couldn’t be fun and slightly detached like he had been with David, he was worried.

David stood up to intervene but he could see Matteo needed to let it out, needed to vent a little. Wouldn’t take kindly to been shut down. Fynn could take it.

“Don’t you fucking dare,” Matteo said, cold and angry.

David placed a hand on his arm but didn’t say anything.

“Child abuse is no joke Matteo, put the essay aside, speak to your therapist and come back to the unit again when you can, for fuck sakes don’t torture yourself for goddamn grade,” Fynn said.

He meant well he really did. For a second David thought Matteo was going to punch him but he walked away, walked into their room and shut the door.

“I didn’t bring the book. Brought all the others. Get him to talk to Maxwell, the harm it will do if he does this assignment isn’t worth it,” Fynn insisted.

He looked so worried.

“I’m not going to make his decisions for him but I will keep talking about this with him. I know when he can handle it,” David said. He couldn’t believe he was doing this, being nice to Fynn. “He’s not mad at you, he’s just vulnerable, defensive.”

“I know. God, he trusts you, you really thought I was a threat? Come on, who the hell else could’ve helped last night? He literally shut down until you came.” Fynn smiled at him, it was still tentative, he was still worried about Matteo but he knew he was with the best person. “You’re his safe person you know? The way he talks about you all the time, he doesn't think I’m flirting with him because it just doesn’t register. Why would anyone else be flirting with him when he has you? He’s set for life, he can’t even imagine anyone else. You blindsided him the other day because he didn’t even think it was possible,” he explained.

“God you are absolutely the worst,” David muttered. He liked this guy despite himself. He was going to be a good friend to Matteo. He was no threat to him. But maybe he was a threat to Jonas. Perhaps he should warn him.

“I am?”

“You’re so fucking nice I hate you,” David said.

“That’s fine, I think you’re cool though,” Fynn said.

“I don’t want to be your friend,” David clarified. 

“Can I still be friends with Matteo?” he asked.

David shrugged. The bedroom door opened then and Matteo walked out, still grumpy.

“Are you still fucking here? I thought by walking off I made it clear you were supposed to leave,” Matteo said.

Fynn held up his hands.

“You don’t come in here fucking analysing me and my boyfriend! You know nothing about my life or what I can or cannot handle. How dare you? You don’t-”

“Matteo breathe,” David whispered, stepping up to him and wrapping his arms around him.

“He- he- he-”

“He’s leaving, he only wanted to check on you,” David assured him.

“I don’t want to deal with it right now, I can’t,” he said.

David just held him close.

“Ok, I’m going. Just take your time Matteo and please don’t write that essay. I’m telling you this as your mentor, not your friend but I’m still both. I’m not angry with you. I’m gonna give you some space, just take care,” Fynn said, nodding to both of them, “later David,” he added before heading to the door. 

David heard him let himself out.

“Asshole,” Matteo muttered.

He wasn’t really angry at him. He’d be apologising in a few hours when he’d calmed down. And slowly Fynn would learn when to push and when to leave things alone when it came to Matteo. He’d never be as good as David though. To David, it came naturally. He’d never learnt it. He just knew.

“Ah he’s ok,” David said.

“Oh fuck off David,” Matteo said.

David just held him tight and pressed a kiss to the top of his head. Matteo sagged into him. “I’m not jealous of Fynn anymore,” David admitted.

Matteo could’ve teased him then, made fun of him. Laughed at how quickly he’d changed his tune but he didn’t. Knew how big of thing this was for him to admit to. He was admitting he’d been wrong about Fynn and that his worries had been unfounded this entire time and that was huge. That made him vulnerable and Matteo would never tease him for that.

“That’s good,” he mumbled instead, lips barely moving where they were pressed against his neck.

“Let’s just hide away for a while,” David suggested, backing him into the bedroom and pushing him down on the bed. Crawling over him and settling on top of him.

“Ok.”

“I love you,” David whispered.

“I love you too. It’s only ever going to be you. You don’t have to be jealous David. I don’t ever see anyone else. It’s only you.”

David believed him. It was really that simple to him. Of course, it was. It was the exact same way David felt about him.

“Keep saying stuff like that,” David said.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah in case it happens again. When you say stuff like that it quiets that little voice in my head.”

“Ok David,” Matteo whispered.

“And I’ll do the same for you,” he promised.

Because they both had their insecurities, they both had their doubts and worries. But to have them shut down like that, the way Matteo had done yesterday. That had felt so good. He would do that for Matteo anytime.

David knew jealousy well, it was a feeling he’d known his whole life. It stemmed from insecurity and fear. There was no cure for it. But he was pretty sure he had the next best thing in his arms right now.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this one got too long for Tumblr almost immediately. I thought open up the ask box fill a couple of prompts take a break from editing. Immediately it was like jealous David, that kind of quiet simmering jealousy, well I have some thoughts on that.
> 
> I have plenty of prompts and plenty of ideas so these will be coming in pretty randomly as I use them as a distraction from editing. But sometimes it's good to step away from something you've been staring at for days so this was fun!
> 
> Let me know what you think or come say hi,
> 
> [theo](http://www.youmustbestrongernow.tumblr.com)


	10. so tired trying to see from behind the red in my eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They'd never talked about it, that night. Matteo knew David was sorry, he was sorry too. Wasn't that enough? Couldn't they just move past it? Had he learnt nothing about bottling up his feelings?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the prompt:
> 
> Soo I just saw that you are taking prompts against and like gosh I missed your writing. So prompt angsty thingy. David finds out that Matteo broke his phone because of him, David finds out how much Matteo suffered after he wrote him he is not into him. And Matteo is still struggling in the relationship to grasp the concept that David is really into him or something like that?

David was snooping through his stuff. Had told him it was only fair. Said that Matteo rifled through his things every time he was over. Matteo didn’t really mind, didn’t have anything to hide. But he’d rather David would come and lay down with him. It was ten in the morning and David sitting at his desk supposedly working on his application for film school. 

Matteo was apparently sabotaging that by insisting he come lay down. That they would only end up making out and he would get no further along in his work. Matteo had reasoned he shouldn’t have come over if he wasn't going to give out cuddles. David had countered that it was worse when he was home constantly checking his phone. This was easier. So he was sitting at the desk and chatting away to Matteo. He’d been scribbling away in his sketchbook, bouncing ideas off Matteo, until he got bored of that and Matteo’s whining. Then he’d started going through his drawers instead. Which was rude. If he’d finished working why wouldn’t he come and lay down?

David glanced over at him to check but Matteo had just shrugged, there was nothing interesting in there. He figured he probably should stop him before David realised he tended to just shove everything in there and started teasing him for the mess. He just closed his eyes and listened to David rummaging through his things.

“A hundred and twenty euros? What are you dropping the cash on huh moneybags?” David span round in the desk chair, waving a receipt in his face.

“Huh?”

Matteo opened his eyes and looked at him slowly. He still wasn’t really awake even though David had been there for over an hour now. He was just so tired. He hadn’t slept properly kept waking in the night. He couldn’t settle for some reason, felt restless and anxious. He still felt that way, it was why he wanted David to come and lay down with him.

“You spent a hundred and twenty euros at an electronics store,” David said finally coming over to the bed. Matteo ignored the receipt and pulled David down to him.

David finally gave in and got on the bed, laying down next to him and pulling him against him. He wrapped his arms around and held him close, despite knowing Matteo would be useless now. He would go back to sleep in minutes now that he’d given in.

“Phone screen,” Matteo mumbled, curling up against him.

“Hm?”

“Broke my screen.”

“Yeah? Clumsy you,” David said, chuckling. He just sighed and tightened his arms around him. Matteo didn’t clarify anything just pressed himself closer and drifted off to sleep.

He woke up a couple of hours later feeling like shit. He’d dreamt of that night when he’d broken his phone and now he felt even less rested than before. Stupid David bringing it up. It was his own stupid fault for keeping the receipt though. Not David’s fault at all. If he’d just tidied up and thrown stuff away instead of holding on to everything and never throwing stuff out, he wouldn’t be in this funk. 

David was still there beside him, he was on his phone but he had an arm wrapped around him, fingers tangled in his hair. Every now and then he pressed a kiss to his head. Matteo closed his eyes. His head was pounding, he was starting to feel as shitty as he had that night. Everything suddenly felt raw again. His eyes were burning and his throat hurt from trying to hold back tears. He sniffled and David put his phone down.

“Ok?”

“I broke it,” he mumbled.

“Broke what?” David said, shifting and scooting down the bed so he was lying opposite him properly. He reached out and brushed the hair, that he’d messed up, out of his face.

“It was because of you,” Matteo said.

He hadn’t meant to say that but everything felt messy in his head. He couldn’t stop himself, it was like this monster inside of him that he couldn’t contain anymore and he knew he was going to hurt David but he had to voice it. Had to talk or he was going to scream instead.

“It was because of you,” he repeated.

David just frowned. He had no idea what they were even talking about. Matteo was never any good at explaining himself. Always rambling and throwing out random points.

“What was because of me?” David asked patiently.

Always patient, Matteo needed to stop this now before he hurt him. “I broke my phone because of you.” Why couldn’t he stop himself? He was going to ruin everything. His head was pounding and he just wanted to go back to sleep but didn’t want to be taken back to that night. 

“What are you talking about? If you dropped your phone because I distracted you then that’s on you not me. I’m not taking any responsibility for that.”

David was teasing him, just smiled and pressed a kiss to his lips. Matteo pulled back and tried to put some distance between them but David still had an arm around him. 

He was holding him tight but Matteo knew if started struggling he would let him go. He didn’t want him to let him go.

“Matteo?”

“You said leave me alone! You said you weren’t interested and-”

“Hey no, Matteo that wasn’t true,” David placed a hand on his chin and tried to get him to look at him but it was too late. 

He was spiralling, he couldn’t stop it now that he’d started. He was going to ruin everything, it was like watching a car crash in slow motion. 

“And it fucking hurt! It hurt so bad. I wanted to cry, I did cry and I wanted to smash everything in sight so I threw my phone on the ground and I smashed it up because I never wanted to see those messages again. And then I went home and smoked everything in sight and tried to block it all out. But it didn’t help, it hurt, it hurt so badly and nothing would make it stop no matter how much I smoked so I just laid there and Amira was there but she snapped at me because I was annoying her. Everything was so foggy and all I can remember was how much it hurt David. And then the boys were there and I screamed at them and I was in so much pain and I just wanted it to stop and I’m sorry... I’m sorry... I didn’t mean to…”

He’d really messed everything up now, David was never meant to hear any of that. He was supposed to keep it all in. Why had he kept that stupid receipt?

“Keep going,” David said, his hand still cupping his face, holding him tenderly. He held him close with the arm around his back.

Why hadn’t he left yet?

“What?”

“Keep going, tell me,” David said, he squeezed him close and despite himself, Matteo relaxed into him slightly.

“No,” he mumbled.

“Be honest don’t keep this in,” David said.

“I’m sorry,” Matteo said.

“Tell me,” David said.

He had to tell him, he had to let it out. He’d started now he couldn’t stop. Even though he knew he was ruining everything he felt better for letting it out. “It hurt so much I couldn’t even understand but it was like everything made sense you know? Because of course, I would somehow fuck this up. Because it’s me you know? And I just wished to myself that I’d gotten a little more time before you’d realised what a loser I was and god... fuck I can’t, don’t make me...” He’d run out of steam now, it hurt too much to keep thinking of that time.

“Ok,” David said. He didn’t seem angry at him, he seemed sad. He looked absolutely devastated. 

This was all Matteo’s fault. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled.

“Hush now, come here,” David said, squeezing him tight, pressing Matteo against him. “You know that’s all bullshit right?”

Matteo just closed his eyes, he felt the tears begin to spill and he let out a choked up sob. He couldn’t help it.

“No shit! Sorry! It’s not bullshit, that came out wrong I just meant it was never anything to do with you. You know that right?”

Matteo shrugged.

“You know it was because I was scared to tell you I was trans right? Not because of you,” David insisted, wiping his tears away with his thumbs.

“Yeah, but what was it about me that scared you? That made you so cruel? No shit I’m sorry, David I’m sorry.”

David closed his eyes. He’d really fucked up now. He didn’t think he could fix this.

“David I-”

“Matteo?”

“Yeah?”

“Please don’t be afraid to be honest with me,” David said.

“I…”

“That message I sent was such bullshit, ok? I will never speak to you like that again. You’re right it was cruel. I knew it would hurt and I sent it anyway. I will never hurt you like that again but Matteo I was terrified. You were outside my door and I just wanted you to leave I just wanted more time but the second I sent it I regretted it. I wanted nothing more than to take it back,” David said.

“I’m sorry I pushed you. You asked for space and I pushed, I’m not good at reacting properly when I’m upset.” That wasn’t an excuse but that was what had happened. He was upset with himself for upsetting Hans and then that message had come through and he’d just… he didn’t even remember what was going through his head. He’d just needed to see David, to get one more chance.

“I know, I know, I wasn’t mad. I forgive you. Yeah, you shouldn’t have come over but I wasn’t being particularly transparent with you. I was so hot and cold, texting you then ignoring you, I must have been driving you mad. I know why you came over I get it, you needed to speak to me, you couldn’t trust what was on the phone. And I realised that when you came over. And it’s why I was so harsh. In that moment I needed you gone. I knew you liked me and I knew you’d argue and I’d give in if I let you in,” David said.

“It’s ok, I’m not upset with you, I shouldn’t have even said anything-”

“Yes you should, of course, you should, don’t keep this shit inside Matteo.” David had him in such a tight grip that even though this was a horrible conversation and he just wanted it to end he knew he had to finish and he felt safe enough to get through it.

He couldn’t keep it inside now even if he wanted to, it was as if he’d opened the flood gates, he was airing all his fears apparently. David was going to see just how annoyingly needy he was and he couldn’t help it. “I just… it’s hard you know, I don’t want to scare you away, I’m scared you’ll realise you could do so much-” 

“Don’t you fucking dare finish that sentence.” David was angry now, it flashed across his face as he tried to remain composed, tried to keep his expression calm. 

It was too late Matteo knew he’d fucked up. “I… sorry…”

But David knew now, he couldn’t take it back. He knew he’d had a breakdown over a couple of texts, knew how prone he was to overreacting. Now he knew he got like this, so needy and sad he wouldn’t want to stay. He didn’t know how to take it back make it right. David was going to leave and he’d be alone again. He couldn't help it. If it was already too late what did it matter? He clung to David, arms tight around him, gripping fistfuls of his shirt. He was shaking, his whole body trembling violently as he cried into David’s shoulder. He couldn’t control it, he just held on tight and waited for the inevitable.

But David didn’t pull away, he didn’t leave. David held him tighter. Pressed him against his chest and pulled the blankets over them, shielding them from the world.

“I love you, you do know that right? I think perhaps I don’t say it enough, it’s my fault you know? I get in over my head, worry that _ I’m _ too much, too clingy and needy, that we’ve only been dating what two and a half months? And I’m already in so deep and it shouldn’t be like this should it? Like the other day I was looking at accommodation for film school and I can’t afford any of it and it’s fine, I can stay with Laura, she’s not kicking me out anytime soon. But I’m already making plans in my head, I’ll stay with Laura for another year and then next year we should have enough money and we can move in right?”

Matteo just stared. David wanted to move in? David was making plans for a year from now? He nodded, he couldn’t help himself and David just smiled in return like Matteo was handing him the world.

“So maybe we’ve fallen deep really quickly but we haven’t not really. We went through a lot to get here, a lot of misery, it’s only fair our happiness is just as intense. But I love you so much and I’m going to tell you every fucking day, ten times a day, I don’t care if it’s too much, it’s the truth and you need to hear it, I know you’re the exact same kind of scared, you’re scared of being too much but I promise you you’re not. You can be as needy as you want, I’ve got an endless supply of love for you. Do you believe me? Please believe me.” David was begging, eyes wide desperate for him to believe it. For him to trust David’s voice over the voice in his head.

“It’s just-”

“I love you, Matteo, I love you.” There was an urgency in his voice, he needed Matteo to know this and he was scared that he wouldn’t believe him. But he did. It was just there was this small part of him, this part that had been huge until not long ago, that said he wasn’t worth it. 

David didn’t see it that way. David loved him exactly as he was, exactly like he did him. He loved him in that over the top intense burning way that he loved him back. He was just as needy Matteo realised, just as gone on him, he was just cooler about it. Or he was, he seemed to be ready to give up on that now.

“Since when?” Matteo asked quietly, burying his face in David’s neck.

“Huh?” 

“Since when did you love me?” he asked. He knew how long it was for him but he wondered when David realised. 

“Since always,” David said.

“Don’t fucking lie,” Matteo muttered that was total crap. And he wasn’t going to beat him on this. 

Matteo was pretty sure he’d loved him since the pool but he hadn’t realised it until it had all been snatched away. Even then he wouldn’t admit it to himself. Buried it deep because he’d lost it all anyway so what was the point? He’d started to accept it when he talked to Jonas and Hans at Easter, even if he felt it was hopeless it didn’t hurt as much he thought it would. It hurt but there was almost a comfort to it too. Bittersweet. He’d known for definite when he’d tried to describe what he loved about David to Hans and it was everything really but it was the way he made him feel.

When David smiled at him he knew he would do everything in his power to keep him smiling. When they spoke he felt listened to for the first time. It was different with David, he was listening because he wanted to hear what Matteo had to say no matter how big or small the topic. He’d never had someone’s undivided attention like that and it was terrifying but it felt amazing too. All those things he listed to Hans, it was all just David, he loved David and he was pretty sure that David loved him back.

That night when he first got him back after those two weeks he spent completely bereft, he knew. And even though he’d been frustrated with David sending him drawings but not explaining anything, none of it mattered when David walked into the apartment. He was clearly in just as much pain as he was and there was nothing he could do but hold him. The moment David stepped into his arms he knew this was the real deal. He was still sad, still nervous, nothing was fixed but he just knew it would be ok. Maybe not straight away, he could tell there was still something going on but whatever it was it wouldn’t matter. Because he loved David.

“No since… since I told you,” David said.

“In the pool?” That was when he’d said it but he’d felt it like longer to him. Maybe that was when David realised.

“No, since I came out, when I told you I was trans,” David clarified.

His hand was in Matteo’s hair again, fingers running through it loosely. It was making him shiver so he snuggled closer. “Huh?”

“I wouldn’t have told you if I didn’t love you. I know I didn’t say it, I don’t know if I even knew but I did. Matteo, I just trusted you, I’ve never trusted anyone like that but I knew it would be ok, because it was you. And I knew I’d been shitty with you, dropping you with no explanation, confusing you with pictures but no actual conversation. I knew I was going to lose you and that was fair, I couldn’t keep you like that. But losing you wasn’t an option. I had to tell you, there was no alternative. I just couldn’t let you go, I loved you. But I also couldn’t start a relationship on a lie.”

David shuffled so that Matteo could hold him back properly, needing just as much comfort as him.

“It wouldn't... you never lied to me…”

“I lied when I said I wasn’t into you,” David reminded him.

“Ok but you not telling me wasn’t a lie,” Matteo said. It felt important to say that. He’d never felt like David had been lying to him, and David shouldn’t feel like he had either.

“No, it wasn’t you’re right. But I could’ve lied, I didn’t feel ready so I could’ve lied and said nothing was wrong but it was. I wanted you to know, I needed you to. I knew you and I knew it would be ok,” he said.

David was the bravest person he’d ever met. For him to trust him like that, to trust that he wouldn’t react badly or shittily he was very brave. He wouldn’t have trusted himself with his heart like that. But then David saw him very differently to how he saw himself. Saw him as kind and patient, whereas Matteo would just say he was slow. David thought he was brave, thought he was smart too. Told him how sweet he was at every opportunity he got.

That little voice in his head told him that if David trusted this ridiculous version of Matteo he had, maybe he was just stupid. But Matteo was learning to ignore that voice because David wasn’t stupid at all. So perhaps the way David saw him, although a little biased by the love he felt for him, perhaps that was a lot closer to the truth than Matteo was able to believe. It was certainly David’s truth. 

“I knew you loved me back,” David said, pulling him from his thoughts.

“Why’d you leave then?” Matteo asked. He wasn’t mad just curious.

“You needed time, you needed time to understand it. I could see you weren't upset or freaked out, you just needed to come to terms with what it meant. If I’d stayed you would’ve pushed yourself to say something before you were ready,” David said.

“Sorry I took so long, I hope I didn’t scare you,” Matteo said.

“We all have our own speeds, Matteo. But you kept in touch in your own way and I knew you weren’t ignoring me,” David assured him. 

“Oh.”

“Oh?”

“You really love me?”

“Yes.” He was voice was firm and sure, no trace of frustration either. He was happy to tell Matteo this over and over again.

And Matteo needed to hear it. Needed David to fight against his doubts.

“I knew I just…”

“I know,” David just kissed him softly, gently, just a tender press of their lips together. “You’re just having one of those days huh? Feeling low?”

“Sorry you have to put up with me.”

“I’m never putting up with you Matteo, I wanted to be here so I’m here.” He kissed him again, chasing away the last traces of doubts he had. “I always want your company, even if you’re just sleeping.”

“I’m still really tired,” Matteo admitted, he wasn’t scared to sleep anymore.

“Do you want to sleep some more? Then when you wake will you read what I’ve got so far,” David suggested.

“Why?”

David pulled that face he pulled when he felt Matteo was missing something glaringly obvious. “Because I want to know what you think.”

“Oh.”

He seemed amused by his surprise and pressed several kisses to his lips. Or tried to through his smile. “Yeah oh. Sleep?”

“I think so, I had bad dreams before,” Matteo said.

“About that night?”

Sometimes Matteo thought David knew how his mind worked better than he did. He always knew when he was upset, when he needed quiet. He could tell when he was feeling lost and disconnected and would wrap himself around Matteo, grounding him. Anchoring him until he no longer felt like he was just going to float away.

“Yeah.”

“Hopefully, now we’ve talked about it you shouldn’t have any more,” David said.

Matteo believed him. That had been an absolutely horrible thing to talk about but he felt a lot better for doing so. He hadn’t realised how much it had hurt keeping it locked up like that. He needed to trust David more, or trust that he needed to know these things. That he wasn’t going to leave at the first sign of trouble. It was hard but he wanted to do it, talk about the hard stuff. He wanted to broach the difficult topics. Like why he was struggling to get out of bed before noon these past few days. He knew David was aware but he was grateful that he wasn’t pushing. Just coming over to his to do his application there instead of going to the railway yard like they had last week. But they needed to talk about it. And David would be patient with him as he stuttered through his explanation of how he was feeling. How everything was a bit heavy right now. And he would just hold him and keep him company until it passed. Because he loved him. He really loved him. He wanted to be here with him even when he had nothing to say. There was no rush either. David would wait for him always.

“Hopefully,” he said quietly.

“Before you sleep can you feed me?” David asked.

“You know where the kitchen is,” Matteo said. He grinned and realised that was the first time he’d smiled that morning.

Instead of pretending to be annoyed like he was supposed to David just beamed at him. His whole face lit up just from seeing him smile. Matteo knew it was because he was just happy that he was able to make a joke. He’d been worried, he hadn’t let it show but he’d been worried. From anyone else that would’ve felt like pity but from David it was nothing but love and concern and he revelled in it.


	11. honey, there is no right way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the prompt:
> 
> Something fluffy, lovely and warm for davenzi? Maybe them just cuddling, enjoying each others warmth. Soft kisses. Them being totally in love after all the time they already are together.

David didn’t think he’d ever felt tired like this. His bones ached with it, he swore he could feel them creaking as he moved. He felt cold and shivery too, he’d waited ten minutes for a bus and even when he’d stepped on board he hadn’t been able to get warm. The damp winter cold had seeped into his bones. There was a pounding behind his eyes, probably because he was tired and had been awake for almost twenty hours. It was quite possible he was getting a cold. His coat was still damp from the rain shower he’d gotten caught in earlier and he’d forgotten his stupid scarf, rushing out of the door at the crack of dawn that morning.

All he wanted was to sleep. For at least the next thirty years. Or most of the next couple of days at least. It was almost one in the morning and he was finally on his way home from work. The bus he was on was almost empty. Everyone sensible was already tucked up in bed. Exactly where he wanted to be. 

He’d been shooting a scene for his latest show, out on location, several miles outside the city limits. It was great fun but meant loing hours and travel time. He’d been dropped off back at the studio an hour ago but it wasn’t a huge production. He didn’t get driven to his door so he had to make his own way home. Which was fine he supposed, if it wasn’t the middle of the night. It was times like this he’d wished he’d learnt to drive. He should’ve just gotten a taxi but even though he was doing well it felt too much like splashing the cash, especially when the bus stop was just down the road.

There was no point dwelling on it, he was practically home now anyway. He took out his phone and sent a text to Matteo, telling him he’d be five minutes. There was no way he was still awake but he sent it anyway. He got off the bus at his stop and made his way to his apartment. He was so close. The bus wasn’t exactly warm but alighting was like stepping into a freezer. He ducked his head to reduce his exposure to the biting cold air. 

As he walked under the streetlights he saw his breath in front of his face. There was snow underfoot, crunching with each step he took. He shivered and wrapped his jacket tighter around himself. Shoving his hands in his pockets and frowned in surprise, pulling his hands out again. There were thick woollen gloves in his pockets that he hadn’t put in there. No that was Matteo, always thinking of him. David grinned and pulled them on as he walked the last three minutes to the apartment.

His legs felt like lead dragging them up the stairs but he was almost home. Almost there. Just a few more steps. He decided he was going to collapse straight into bed and never move again.

Finally, he was home. He unlocked the door and stepped inside his apartment. He didn’t know why he was surprised that it was still warm, of course Matteo had left the heating on. The lamps were still on in the living room too, casting a soft glow over everything. He just leant against the door for a second, smiling at how thoughtful his boyfriend was.

He was too tired to eat but he knew there’d be food ready for him in the fridge if he checked. Matteo however, was nowhere to be seen so he must be in bed. Which was where David was supposed to be. He wasn’t going to waste any time. Their bed was calling to him. He shrugged off his damp coat and discarded his shoes by the door before heading straight to the bedroom, switching off all the lights and the heating as he went. 

Slowly he opened the door and just stood there, he couldn’t help it. The lamp was still on and he could see Matteo, curled up in the bed, blankets wrapped tightly around himself, sleeping soundly. 

He just watched him sleep for a moment, his headache fading away at the sight of him. All the tension he’d been holding onto melted away. All that was left was a bone aching tiredness. It was warm in the bedroom so David took off his hoodie and his sweater because Matteo had insisted he layer up against the cold. Something he was grateful for now. He stripped off the rest of his clothes and crept towards Matteo. 

Carefully he climbed into the bed, making sure Matteo remained tucked up in the blankets as he got in beside him. He wanted nothing more than to wrap him in his arms but he didn’t want to wake him. Instead, he just shuffled closer and lay there watching him sleep. The last traces of cold faded away as he got close enough to absorb Matteo’s body heat.

He always liked it hot. When David wasn’t there he would sleep under three or four heavy woollen blankets. He’d leave the heating on all night sometimes and David would come back to a roasting apartment. He used to worry his boyfriend would suffocate in his sleep but it never seemed to be a problem. On a normal night, when David was there he reluctantly shed a couple to snuggle up to David instead. David usually refused to sleep under five blankets. But tonight, after being outside for so long he was glad of the warm cocoon Matteo had created for them.

As hard as he tried not to wake him, Matteo sensed that he was there and reached for him in his sleep. David pushed off one of the blankets and pulled him into his arms, wrapping him up tight, pressing tender kisses to his forehead. Matteo smiled in his sleep and slowly blinked awake.

“You’re home,” he whispered.

“I’m home.”

“You’re-”

“Late?”

His eyes drifted shut again as he tried to fight off sleep. “Yeah.”

“Missed you,” David said quietly.

“Missed you more, tired?”

He yawned widely, answering Matteo’s question. “Fucking exhausted. And I think I’m getting a cold,” he admitted, knowing he’d get instant sympathy from Matteo. He was terrible when he was ill and Matteo always took care of him anyway.

Matteo reached out he pressed a gentle hand to his forehead. “Hm.” He tucked the blankets tighter around him. “Did you eat?”

“Too tired,” David said.

That finally got Matteo to open his eyes properly. He huffed squinted at him but didn’t push. It was so late now it would give him a stomach ache if he ate. He was sure Matteo would feed him up in the morning.

“Work tomorrow?”

Tomorrow was Saturday, the first he’d had off in a month. Matteo didn’t work weekends so it meant they would finally get a whole day together. Or what was left of it after David had slept for a thousand years. “No, I’m all yours.” Matteo’s face lit up, an excited smile on his lips that David just had to kiss. Soft and slow, just letting all the love he felt bleed into it. Matteo’s hand came up behind his head cradling him close as his lips parted and he sighed, just relaxing against him. God he’d missed him, stupid work eating into all his time with Matteo.

“I’ll make you a big breakfast, then you’re just gonna rest and I’m gonna take care of you,” Matteo mumbled against his lips before pulling back slightly and stroking his hand over his face, tracing his lips with his fingertips. 

“I love you,” David murmured, what else could he say but that?

“Love you too.”

David pulled him closer and closed his eyes. “Sleep?” he suggested.

“No,” Matteo whined, “not yet I just got you back.”

“Ok.”

“Stay awake a little, please?”

He was exhausted and he wouldn’t last long but he would fight off sleep for a few tired minutes of Matteo’s company. “For you anything,” he said.

Matteo chuckled at that. “Sap,” he said fondly.

“That’s me,” David agreed. He groaned but dragged himself up the bed so he could sit up a little, pulling Matteo with him. As tired as he was he’d barely spoken to Matteo these past couple of days. Yeah, they had the weekend ahead of them but David ached with how much he missed him. He just wanted a few minutes with him before he drifted off into sleep.

Matteo settled against his chest and looked up at him. “How did it all go?”

“Why the hell did you let me agree to film a show out in the woods in  _ January _ ?” He tried to sound cross but he was too tired, it just sounded fond.

“I’m pretty sure I mentioned several times that it would be crazy cold,” Matteo countered.

“I’m pretty sure if you loved me you wouldn’t have let me make such stupid decisions,” David said.

Matteo huffed at that and David knew he was about to win this silly non-argument. “I’m pretty sure if I loved you I would’ve sent you off this morning with a huge flask of hot soup to keep you warm and- oh wait, I did do that, got up super early to make it from scratch and everything,” he said smugly, like he had every right to be.

“That’s because you’re the best,” David said.

“The best,” Matteo murmured.

“The best.”

“Yeah?”

David just kissed him again. “Tired?” He’d been tired for hours so he could deal with it a little longer.

Matteo shrugged, he was David could tell but he felt the same. He desperately wanted to stay awake just to be with him a little longer. “Just a bit longer, I really missed you today,” he said quietly as if he thought David would say no. Did he really think David would just turn away and go to sleep? As if that were possible.

Instead, he sat up, pulling Matteo off the bed with him, keeping both of them wrapped up in the blankets. Matteo whined but allowed himself to be pulled away from the bed.

“It’s snowing out, come on,” David said.

“David it’s one in the morning,” Matteo argued.

“Just to the balcony come on,” David murmured.

He made sure the blanket was wrapped tightly around and then guided them out onto the balcony, stepping into the trainers that they kept by the door.

“Oh, it is snowing!” Matteo leant against him, tilting his head up to the sky.

“Thought I was lying?”

“No,” Matteo said. He so did.

“Why would I lie about snow?”

“It’s so pretty,” Matteo whispered.

It really was, a blanket of white over the city, sparkling and glowing as it drifted across the streetlights. Everything was muted and still. Beautiful. David hooked his chin over Matteo’s shoulder. “You know what else is pretty?”

“You,” Matteo said.

“You.” David reached out and brushed the snowflakes from his hair. “You’re beautiful.”

With the light from the city below casting a soft glow over them, he saw Matteo’s cheeks pinken.

“You’re warm,” Matteo murmured, “always warm, I never sleep properly when you’re not here.”

“I’ll always come back to keep you warm,” David promised.

They just stood there on the balcony for a little while, wrapped up tight in the blankets just swaying together. It may have been snowing but with Matteo against him, he’d never felt warmer. It spread out from his heart all through his body, warming every inch of him. Since the day they’d met there’d been a fire burning in him for Matteo and it never stopped. It had been nearly five years and it never faded, never lessened. It burned as bright as ever. David was sure it always would.


	12. let's get in this car, let's face the sky and go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David is having a tough time, but Matteo is there for him always, comforting him with hugs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the prompts:
> 
> This hug is getting a bit tight… something up?
> 
> Maybe you would like to write something little about Matteo falling asleep on the train and kinda on David (maybe on the way to David’s godmother, maybe it’s the first visit ever?) And David just starts to think about the fact how much he just loves Matteo

David couldn’t breathe, the room was too small. He needed to leave, get out. He needed to run. He'd already run, just bolted from his and Laura's. Straight to Matteo's. But he needed to get far away. 

Matteo wasn't even there yet, had no idea of the sorry state he was about to find David in. 

David wasn't even sure if he could hold on, wait for Matteo to get back. He threw open the curtains, the doors to the balcony and stepped out, trying to negate the suffocating feeling. 

It didn't help so he walked back into the room and started to pace, didn't stop until he heard the front door open and he knew Matteo was back. 

The bedroom door finally opened and Matteo walked in, looking at his phone. He glanced up, noticed David and grinned, tossing his phone to one side. 

David was still now, trying to feign calmness. 

“Hey so don’t ask how it happened but we may have to go on a double date with Kiki and Carlos … I know it’s a nightmare. I'll try and get us out of it but you’re gonna have to help because you know I’m shit at lying. It’s at their place if that helps. And it’s not even a double date, Hanna and Jonas will be there too and possibly Amira and Mohammed. So if Amira says yes then I want to go, but if not then I don’t really want to. It’s like a couples dinner party type thing. And don’t get me wrong I love Jonas and all of them but this isn’t my scene and… David?"

Clearly this rant had been on his mind or he would have immediately noticed something was wrong. Matteo always noticed. He'd noticed now, face immediately concerned and David couldn't hold back a second longer. 

He just launched himself into Matteo's arms so forcefully that Matteo almost lost his balance but he stayed upright and held him back. 

David squeezed back even tighter, so tightly that Matteo probably couldn’t breathe but he didn’t complain. He got the hint straight away and hugged back just as tightly. David just continued to cling to him desperately, trying to convince himself it was ok, that Matteo was here, that he could stay, that he didn’t need to run. He clung tighter and tighter and it felt so good but he still needed out.

“Hey not that I don’t love this, trust me I do, this feels really good for me but this is kinda tight… something wrong?"

"Fucking everything," David said, voice cracking as he held back a barely suppressed sob. 

"Ok?" Matteo just waited for him to elaborate. 

"I need to go, I can’t stay here right now," David said, practically begging for Matteo to understand what he was asking of him. 

"Oh," Matteo whispered. 

"Just for a bit." 

Matteo squeezed him even tighter now, desperate not to let him go. David just buried his face in his chest, he wanted to hide from everything. He wanted out. 

"Ok," Matteo said after a while. He got it, knew David couldn't stay when he felt like this. 

"Come with me," David whispered, hardly daring to believe Matteo would want to be any part of this. 

"Huh?" 

"Please, I don’t want to be on my own," David said. 

"Ok." 

"And I don’t even know how long I need I just need to get away for a while but I need you with me," David begged. 

"Ok," Matteo said again. 

"I just need to run, I need out," David said. 

"Ok."

David pulled back and stared at him. He was just standing there waiting for his instructions. This boy, he would follow him anywhere David realised. "I know it’s stupid I just need space right now, not from you but from everything else school, Laura, your roommates, I need you but no one else," David explained. 

"Where are we going?" 

"Anywhere. Let's just jump on a train," David suggested. 

"Ok." Matteo seemed determined to follow David but nervous too. 

David got it, he wasn't exactly giving him much to go on. He had an idea forming of where he wanted to go but he wasn't a hundred percent yet. "I’ll take care of you," he promised. 

"I trust you." Matteo grabbed a bag and looked to David. David grabbed another rucksack. 

"I didn't actually bring anything, haven't had a go-bag packed for a while," he admitted. 

Matteo just smiled and gestured around the room. "Help yourself to my shit," he offered. 

David laughed quietly despite himself and started rooting around Matteo's wardrobe. He shoved enough clothes for the next few days in the bag. Matteo did the same then headed to the bathroom to get them some toiletries. David grabbed the chargers and the art stuff he kept here at Matteo's. 

"Ok?" David asked when Matteo came back in, distributing the toiletries between the two bags. Matteo sighed and looked up at him. He was worried and weighing up whether or not he should say something. 

"Matteo?" 

Matteo pulled his little pill bottle out of his pocket. "I have like just over a week left, it's on order but I can't pick up my refill until next week." 

David just took his hand and squeezed it, even as stressed as he was right now he was not going to let Matteo feel like his mental health was an inconvenience. "Hey now, I just need a few days ok? We'll be back I promise." 

Matteo nodded relieved and put the bottle in his bag. 

"Thank you for lending me your bag and your clothes," David said, shouldering his bag. 

"S’ok, most of them are yours," Matteo reminded him. "Wanna tell me what's wrong?" 

David shook his head and just stepped into Matteo's arms again. "Once we’re out of here," he mumbled into Matteo's shoulder. 

"Then let's go," Matteo said, pulling on his rucksack. 

"Ok." 

"Take your phone David," Matteo warned, nodding to where David had tossed it onto the desk the moment he got there. 

"I don’t-" 

"It’s not fair, you don’t have to switch it on or anything but bring it with you please," Matteo insisted. 

"Ok," David relented. 

"I’m gonna text Laura too, let her know you're with me," Matteo said as he led him out of the apartment and toward the bus stop. 

"Ok, but later," David said, taking Matteo's hand. 

"Later?" 

"I know this is stupid," David muttered. 

"Not stupid. If you need this it’s not stupid," Matteo said, just continuing to hold his hand as David led him across the city. 

Two bus rides and one subway ride later and David was certain of where he wanted to go. It had been the plan in his mind all along. At first it may have seemed like they’d just jumped on the first bus that came but he’d done this journey enough times that it wasn’t random to him any more. It took Matteo until the second bus to notice they were heading north and David was guiding them with purpose but he didn't question him. When they got to the main station he figured out where they were going. 

"Furstenberg?" 

"Yeah." Right now it felt like where he needed to be. 

"Oh." Matteo stared down at his feet, refusing to look at him. 

"Is that ok?" David asked. 

"Yeah just… she’s your family, Emily? Are you sure you want me there too, last time…" 

"That was different." That time he'd been running away from Matteo too. Not trusting that he got to keep him. It was different now. Now he knew Matteo wasn't going anywhere. And right now he needed Matteo, he just needed his godmother too. 

"Is it stuff with your mum and dad?"

Of course Matteo had figured it out, already knew exactly what would upset David like this. Knew all the different ways David got upset. Knew that he wasn't running because the world was unfair or like last time when he was angry and afraid. No he could tell this time he was just sad, devastatingly, exhaustingly sad 

"Can I tell you on the train?" 

Matteo just smiled and nodded. "Yeah of course, you go get tickets, I’ll go get some food," he offered, pointing to a shop opposite the concourse. 

"Ok." David let him go and headed to the ticket machine still half tempted to buy one way tickets. Maybe they could go to the airport, just fly away. Go somewhere no one knew them or their stories. They could be whoever they wanted to be. He was dragged from his fantasies by a bag of gummy sweets landing on the console. 

Matteo leant against it and grinned at him. "One day we'll go far away yeah?" 

"Where will we go?" 

"Wherever you want." 

David grabbed the bag off the screen and punched in their destination, collecting their tickets and handing Matteo's to him. He looked at him then and noticed his pockets were bulging with bags of sweets. 

"Did you get any actual food?" David asked as they walked to the platform. 

"Oh I'm sorry have sweets been reclassified now?" Matteo slid down to the floor, leaning against the pillar. David just stood over him and rolled his eyes. He kicked at his feet but opened the bag and offered him some anyway. 

"I've got crisps and biscuits in my bag too," Matteo said. 

"What a feast," David said. 

Matteo kicked back at him as best he could slumped down on the floor like that. David delivered a few swift kicks to his toes then stepped back so he’d have to get up if he wanted to retaliate. 

Matteo just groaned and didn’t’ move. "They had sandwiches but they looked dodgy," he said.

"What sandwich is dodgy to  _ you _ ?" 

"Egg but it was more like food poisoning dodgy, don't wanna get sick on the train." 

"I don't think it works that quick," David said, pulling him up as their train arrived. 

"Well I definitely don't want to get sick at your godmother's house," Matteo countered as they stepped onto the train and found a seat in a quiet section. “Also back to this being a stupid idea, it’s definitely not stupid that you need to go to Emily, especially if it’s family stuff. I assume she’s a bit more objective than Laura?” he guessed.

There he went being so perceptive again. Laura couldn’t help him right now because she always blindly took his side. But they were her parents too. He knew he was right on this but he needed someone like Emily to reassure him. He didn’t even know how to explain it but he needed her right now.

“She’s going to love you,” David said, then realised she was probably going to embarrass him. Last time he’d been there after he’d calmed down about the school, he’d probably spent the rest of the time talking about Matteo and how wonderful he was. Yeah she definitely wasn’t going to keep quiet about that.

“Why?”

“She just will,” he said. He sighed and leant against Matteo, already feeling calmer now that they were on their way, Matteo just smiled and wrapped his arm around him.

“How long’s it take?” he asked.

“An hour, plus a twenty minute walk. Did you bring your laptop?”

“No David,” he said, faking weariness, “I thought we were gonna be sleeping in an abandoned building or something.”

“Yeah that was the plan but I needed to come out here,” David admitted.

Matteo squeezed him closer and David sighed. This was good, it was what he needed, he just needed to get away and be held by his boyfriend.

“Talk to me,” Matteo whispered.

“My dad texted me this morning,” David said quietly.

“Mm?”

“They’re moving.”

“Far?”

“No just downsizing, it’s just them now you know?” 

Him and Laura weren’t ever going back so what was the point of them holding onto that family house when the family you raised in it weren’t welcome anymore?

“Ok.”

“I called him, to see what it was he wanted and he said they want me to come and pick up my stuff,” David told him.

Matteo just looked at him, waiting. 

“They said to come at a time when they wouldn’t be in,” David said, pressing his face into Matteo’s chest.

“Oh.” Matteo just continued to hold him, there wasn’t much else he could do.

“Yeah.”

“Fuck that.”

“I know,” David said, trying to sound indifferent but his voice cracked, betraying him.

“Oh David,” Matteo whispered.

“It’s not fair Matteo, it’s not fair,” he mumbled. 

“Shit I know, I know, fuck them what the hell?”

“It hurts so badly and I know I should be over it but I’m fucking not and I can’t go back to Laura’s because she must know and she’ll just feel bad for me but I can’t stay at yours either there’s just too many people and I don’t want anyone to see me like this, so pathetic and I just I need Emily to tell me it’s ok. You can’t you know? You don’t know them, you’ll never know them I’m not fucking letting them near you but I need Emily right now.”

“I get it, David, I get it god.” Matteo pulled back and turned so they were facing each other, he reached out and took his hands. David glanced around but there was no one nearby apart from an older man sleeping in the corner. It was a strange time of day to be travelling. “I love you. I know I don’t know them but they are wrong, they are fucking blind if they can’t see how wonderful you are. They are wrong to treat you like this but it’s not stupid for you to feel upset, or for you to need your family right now.”

“That does help a little,” David said, “I’m sorry I’m dragging you away though.”

“I’d rather be here with you David,” Matteo said.

“I know, it’s why I didn’t want to leave you behind.” 

He’d been so desperately worried last time, he’d understood that he needed space but it couldn’t have been easy. And it may have been selfish but David wanted him with him. He always felt better with Matteo by his side.

“Have you texted Emily?” Matteo checked, pulling out the bag of crips and offering them to David.

“No I usually just show up.”

Matteo frowned, worrying his lip. “Are you sure?”

“Sure?”

“I don’t want to just show up, you know?” Matteo said.

“She won’t mind, I show up all the time,” David assured him.

“Yeah but…”

“She knows about you, knows how important you are to me, knows we’re pretty much a package deal at this point,” David said.

It was true, she even asked after Matteo every time she called. He’d been meaning to take him to visit but he’d not had time with his heavy workload at school. He never thought they’d be visiting like this.

“Ok ok,” Matteo said, blushing slightly.

David sat back in his seat, just leaning against Matteo and staring across him out of the window. The further away from the city they got, the better he felt. Matteo didn’t speak, knew that he needed to be quiet right now. Knew that David needed to empty his mind for a while, just zone out and switch off or he’d just dwell on everything. 

David just laid against his chest. Matteo’s hand was in his hair, fingers running through it. It was gonna end up a mess but he had his beanie in his pocket. His arm was wrapped around him, just holding him, comforting him the best way he knew how.

Eventually, the hand in his hair stopped moving and Matteo’s breathing evened out, the rise of his chest beneath his ear slowing as he drifted off. Slowly David took Matteo's hand from his hair and pulled away to look at him. His eyes were closed, his mouth open just slightly, his head resting against the window. David really didn’t know how he did it, how he just fell asleep anywhere. 

David couldn’t help it he just stared at him, this wonderful boy who’d dropped everything just because he’d asked him to. He needed Emily right now but he needed Matteo too. He needed to get away from everyone but never Matteo. He couldn’t do this without him. At this point, he didn’t know how he ever had. He loved him so much and he was so grateful he had him. So grateful he would never have to make this journey alone again. Because there would probably be more times like this. Times where he needed to get away, or needed to hide. Or just times where things were going to be hard but he’d have to stay and stick it through. None of that scared him anymore because he wasn’t alone. Even after his awful phone call with his dad, he felt absolutely terrible but he knew going to Matteo would help. Knew he would get the comfort and support he needed without question.

“Love you,” Matteo mumbled in his sleep, barely stirring. David just smiled and pressed a kiss to his cheek then snuggled against him for the rest of the journey. He didn’t need to dwell right now he needed to take comfort in his boyfriend’s arms. His phone was off and he was getting further and further away. No one could get him now, no one could hurt him.

By the time they got to Furstenburg David felt like maybe he was ok. Now that he was away from his parents and their hatred he felt a little lighter. He was almost happy again, despite the fact his boyfriend was grumbling beside him as they walked. He’d snapped at him twice already, and told him to shut up. He was grumpy and disoriented at being woken up. In fairness, David had been so comfortable cuddled up against him that they’d almost missed the stop. He’d had to shake Matteo awake and drag him, bleary-eyed and half asleep, off the train. 

He was currently muttering to himself that his feet were hurting and that he was tired. And hungry. And he had a headache. And he was cold. David just rolled his eyes and swung their hands as they walked.

“Sorry,” Matteo mumbled after a while.

“You awake now?”

“Yeah just sleepy, that was too much rushing,” he said.

“It’s your own fault, you’re just such a comfortable pillow,” David said.

“Fuck off,” he muttered but there was no heat behind his words. In fact, he just leant against David, putting more and more of his weight on him until David shoved him away.

“Will you walk?” David demanded.

“Tired.”

“Look we’re nearly there,” David said, pointing out his godmother’s house at the end of the street.

“Thank god, that was miles, David.” He was whiny when he was tired and yet somehow David just found it endearing, right now all he could do was smile at him. 

He wasn’t lazy, far from it, would walk or cycle for miles with David when he felt like exploring. But in that moment when he’d just woken up getting him to move was the hardest task in the world. It was the same when it was getting late, Matteo’s energy would dissipate exponentially until David often ended up dragging him around.

“We’re here,” David said, bumping their shoulders.

“Oh.” Matteo just hesitated by the gate.

“I promise she’ll love you,” David said as he pulled him to the door

Matteo wasn’t shy, not really. Sure he was quieter than most, a little hesitant with some people but he was also charming, people warmed to him easily. He was rude in a sarcastic way but he got away with it because of his cheeky smile.

He was shy right now though, David had never seen him bashful like this, he’d just rung the doorbell and they were waiting. Matteo was standing beside him, rocking on the balls of his feet. His head was ducked but David could see the blush on his cheeks.

“Why are you nervous?” David asked.

Matteo shrugged and wouldn’t look up at him, he was pulling at his sleeves. “You got nervous meeting my mum,” he mumbled.

“Emily’s not my mum,” David countered.

Matteo just shrugged again.

The door opened and then Emily was standing there, in her gardening overalls, her dark hair swept back out of her kind warm face. She didn’t look at all surprised to see him, never did, just smiled and waited for him to make a move. She was everything he needed right now and it all hit him again. He’d been completely wrong, he wasn’t ok at all. Everything that had happened was raw and present again and David couldn’t help himself. Despite himself, he started to cry, no matter how hard he tried to hold it in. He felt so rejected, so unwanted, it was just like the day he’d left all over again. He’d thought he’d had it together but he was completely wrong. Emily, unfazed, just tutted and stepped forward, wrapping her arms around him and holding him close.

He was right to come here, he absolutely needed this right now.

“Come in both of you,” Emily said, ushering them in, not letting go of David. She was half his size but yet so strong. She just stood there in the hallway with him for a couple of minutes until he could calm down. He took several deep breaths as she ran her hand up and down his back. Comforting him like she always had.

“Ok?” she asked, after a few more minutes.

“No,” he admitted.

“I know, I know but you’re here now, everything will be ok, I’m here ok?” she said, still holding him tight.

“Ok,” he mumbled against her shoulder. She was right, he was safe here away from it all.

“Hello, you must be Matteo,” she said.

“Hi Emily,” he said shyly.

She was going to be so charmed and enamoured by him. She kept one arm around him and reached out with the other to squeeze Matteo’s shoulder. Eventually, his tears stopped and the overwhelming devastating feeling passed. David stepped back and took another deep breath.

“Ok?”

“No,” he said again.

“Calm?”

“Yeah,” he said. He was calm, he was still upset but he was ok.

“Ok then here’s what’s going to happen, you two are going to take your stuff up to your room and get settled, you can stay as long as you need. Then you’re going to come down here and you can talk about what’s happened, you don’t have to but if you can we will,” she said.

David just nodded.

“When you are ready we’ll sort it, we’ll talk it through and then you can just stay here a while, take some time away, regroup. Only when you’re ready you can go back, and in the meantime, I can get to know my future godson in law-”

“Emily!” He glanced at Matteo, he didn’t think he’d ever seen him so red. He swore he could feel the heat coming off his rosy cheeks. He just reached out and took his hand, leading him upstairs.

“She’s practically your mum you know that’s why you needed to come out here, why it’s not stupid,” Matteo said quietly, David almost didn’t hear him, he was talking more to himself than to David. He did that a lot but David usually caught it because he was always paying attention.

“Huh?” He opened the door and showed Matteo into his room.

“Emily’s like your mum, do you know what I mean? Like sometimes we just need a parent, that’s what she is right? Someone who can just tell you it’s all gonna be ok? Someone to comfort you, chase away all your fears, that’s who she is to you, it’s what your mum should’ve been. But this is better, she loves you so much,” Matteo said, rambling slightly.

“Yeah, that’s what it is,” David agreed.

Matteo just collapsed onto the bed. David took both their bags and put them in the corner by the wardrobe.

“So this wasn’t stupid you know? Like you said at the train station? This is where you need to be right now, thank you for bringing me with you,” Matteo said, he was laying on the bed eyes closed.

David waited for him to open them again before he spoke. “I needed you here, I need you with me and I couldn’t leave you behind either,” he said.

“I get it,” Matteo said softly, “nice room by the way,” he added.

He was being sarcastic but only a little and not to be mean, just gentle teasing. His room here was certainly different from his room at Laura’s house. He’d decorated it when he was thirteen and not much had changed in here since. Football and band posters on the wall. A bright blue carpet with white circles that clashed with the stripey purple bedding on the single bed. It was all far too garish for his tastes now. There was so much colour everywhere but in a very mismatched way. 

There was a lot of his art was on the walls too, in varying styles as he tried on what fitted him.

Matteo turned over onto his stomach and reached out, tracing the letters carved into the headboard.  _ David. _

“Vandal,” he whispered.

David crouched down and followed his fingers. “I was eleven when I did that,” he said.

“Yeah?”

“Wanted to make it real,” he said.

“Make your mark, make it permanent?”

“Exactly,” he agreed, “this was the only place I could express myself as a kid, the only place I could be me,” he said. Not like the cream walls and carpet of his parents’ house.

“It is very you, why isn’t your room at Laura's this cool?” Matteo asked, trying to pull him onto the bed.

“Because I’m not twelve,” David said.

Matteo laughed at him. David pulled him up off the bed.

“C’mon get up before Emily comes up here with condoms or something,” he said.

“Would she?” Matteo asked, eyes wide.

“God probably,” David said, it wouldn't surprise him one bit. He couldn’t understand how Emily was ever friends with his parents. She was so vastly different from them. Patient where they were quick to fly off the handle. Understanding where they were judgemental. Kind where they were cold. And of course cool, to the point it was embarrassing, where they were so straight-laced.

Before they headed back downstairs he turned to Matteo and put his hands on his shoulders. “You ok to stay here a few days?” he asked, knowing Matteo sometimes struggled with new places, less so when he was there though.

“Yeah I’m fine, I think tonight I’ll be tired enough to sleep, tomorrow might be iffy but I’ll be ok I think. And I like Emily, she’s sweet, it’s just this is a lot like mama’s house you know? And that’s good for you but I… I probably won’t have nightmares but I might and…”

“I’ll be here too,” David said gently.

“Yeah so I’ll be fine,” Matteo said,

“I’m ok now,” David said.

“Good.”

“Emily will know what to do, or how to help, or she’ll be on my side at least,” David said.

“She will, she’s great. So wanna go vent?”

“Yeah.”

He really did he wanted to air it all, he wanted to vent and rage and let it all out. Tell her, tell both of them how he felt, how they’d let him down. Again. How unfair it all was. Because they would listen, both of them would sit there and listen to him and they’d agree with him because they loved him. He wanted to tell them, he wanted to share.

“Then let’s go.” Matteo led him back downstairs to the kitchen where Emily was waiting with three steaming cups of tea. David sat down opposite Emily and Matteo sat beside him. He was quiet, just there for David, this was his turn to voice his fears. Let them know how upset he was. Matteo just placed a hand on his knee and David began to talk.

“They’re moving,” he began, taking hold of the cup in front of him, warming his hands on the sides.

There was no need to clarify who he was talking about. She knew. “Yeah? Away or…”

“No, they’re just moving, somewhere smaller. But they asked me to come and get my stuff, that there wouldn’t be room at their new place,” he said.

“I see but that in itself is not the problem.”

“No,” he said quietly.

“What did they say?”

“Dad…”

“That man,” she muttered.

“He said I couldn’t come when they were there. That I should come while they’re out. They don’t want to see me. You know what I don’t want to fucking see them either but it was the way he said it Emily, the tone he used it hurt so much,” he gasped. “He was so dismissive. There was no care there. I am his son, his child and I might as well be a stranger to him.”

Matteo squeezed his knee and Emily just waited.

“They don’t miss me at all do they?” he whispered. “Does he even love me anymore? Did he ever?”

“He loves you, they both do but they are just so stubborn. They have this one view of how the world should be and right now you don’t fit in with that. It’s not your fault at all. In behaving this way they are failing you so badly,” she said.

“When will I fit in, when will they let me in?”

“I don’t know sweetheart, there is no answer to this I’m afraid,” she said, reaching out and squeezing his hand.

“I know,” he admitted.

“You’re not here for answers though are you David?”

“No.”

“You came here to be with family,” she said. “You came here because you just needed someone to tell you that everything’s going to be ok.”

“Yeah,” David said.

Emily was always that person, when things were bad she would just sit with him, hold his hand and promise one day things would get better. And they did, look at him now. He was happier than he’d ever been, this was just a blip nothing more. They couldn’t take this happiness from him. All he needed was a little reassurance.

“I can’t speak for the choices your parents have made but they made one good one. They chose me as your godmother and I will always be your family, nothing will ever change that. You can always come to me no matter what’s wrong and I may not have the answer for you but I will be there for you. I love you, David, I always have, since you were this tiny little screaming thing I held in my arms. I vowed to care for you and I always will.”

“I love you, Emily,” David said.

“Love you too sweetheart,” she said, smiling gently at him.

“I just needed a hug,” he admitted, “I just needed to cry.”

“Ah well you can come over for a hug and a cry anytime, you’re my family,” she said.

“You make me feel better when this shit happens,” David said, twisting the cup in his hands, it was going cold already but she hadn’t given it to him to drink. It was something warm to hold, to comfort him, to remind him of happy childhood summers spent here. To help keep him calm while he told her what was going on.

“That’s what I’m here for ok?”

He sighed, feeling so much lighter than when he’d arrived. His worries seemed so small now that he was away from it all. Now that he was here with Emily. They weren’t small at all but they needn’t devastate him, take over him like that. “Yeah I’m ok, or I will be. I will be,” he said.

She nodded. “What are you going to do?”

“Guess I’ll go over get my shit,” David said.

“Yeah?”

“Do you need to?” Matteo asked, finally speaking up. David knew where he was coming from, he still had most of his belongings at his mother’s house but this was different. His mum was lovely, she’d never throw his stuff away, or not intentionally at least. This was deliberately cruel and he wouldn’t give them the satisfaction. He was going to get his stuff back. He was half tempted to go when they were in but he didn’t want to see them. He would go in, grab his stuff and disappear. “It’s my stuff, I want it but... will you come with me?”

Matteo frowned and blinked at him. There was no question of whether or not he was coming, not to him. He’d obviously been planning to come since the start. “Yeah course, is there a lot? Jonas can help if there is,” he offered.

“Yeah maybe, just Jonas though,” David said, not wanting anyone there while he packed up his life.

“Hans?”

“Yeah Hans too,” David agreed.

“They can wait outside, I’ll come in with you, we’ll grab your shit and they can carry it,” Matteo suggested.

There wasn’t that much stuff he actually wanted but he wasn’t going to leave them a single thing of his. He would take everything. Between the four of them they should manage. Hans wouldn’t even question it, David knew he’d gone through similar with his own family. And while Jonas didn’t get it at all, he was the one who helped Matteo out when he needed to get out of his house, he knew how to do it without asking questions. He would just get on with it, quietly supporting him. What a wonderful family he’d made for himself. To have people just have his back without question was truly amazing. He’d always had that in Laura and Emily but now he had so much more. He always had someone he could turn to. 

“Thanks Matteo.”

“You’re a good boyfriend,” Emily said, smiling at him.

Matteo just nodded, blushing. David swore his cheeks were going to be permanently pink at this point.

“Quiet one huh?”

“Mm.”

“That’s alright, I’ll get you chatting just give me a couple of days,” she said.

Matteo just smiled and shrugged, they would get on fine, they could cook together or bond over teasing David. He knew by the time they were ready to leave all that shyness would be gone.

“You two just stay here with me a while and David just take some time out from all of this but make sure you call Laura,” she said, knowing exactly what he was like and how time out for him usually meant radio silence.

“I will but Matteo was already going to text her,” David said.

“Call her,” Emily insisted.

“Yes Emily,” he said cheekily.

“Less of that,” she warned with a grin.

But he was ok, Matteo was right he didn’t need them, she was the parent he needed right now. She would be there for him just like she always was. He had her and he had Laura and Matteo. He had so many friends. He didn’t need them anymore. Maybe Emily was right and one day they would come around, finally understand him. Maybe they wouldn’t and that hurt a lot but he could go on. He would be ok. He would surround himself with people who loved him exactly as he was without condition and he would love back just as strong. Because he was fantastic, he was amazing and it was his parents that were missing out.


	13. we'll be alright, cuz we're not broken we're just waiting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David won't let anyone tell him he's not clingy, if they even dare suggest it he'll prove them wrong, go out of his way to show them how clingy he is and proud of it too. Matteo would call him a competitive little shit, he would just say he was glad to finally be able to show affection and have it reciprocated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the prompt:
> 
> So like clingy David? Just something cute little fluffy. Where he is very clingy

David never thought he would be a clingy boyfriend. Or more like he never thought he would get to be a clingy boyfriend so he always put it to the back of his mind. It wasn't all that surprising though, he'd been an affectionate child, always hanging off his mother’s arm. Crying when she didn’t pay him attention. This was when she tolerated such things of course.

Things had changed and as he grew up he started to realise that kind of behaviour wasn't allowed. Not for him at least. He had to be tough, had to be aloof and cold so people left him alone. So he could just get by unnoticed. He would watch the other kids at school and there always seemed to be these rules that no one had told him. The girls would hug each other. The boys refused because hugging was gay or girly. Instead, they wrestled, fist-bumped and hi-fived, starved of physical contact as they were. 

David didn't get either, he wasn’t allowed, he was different and no one wanted him. 

He’d thought that was it, as good as it got. 

He never really thought he’d get a boyfriend with the way he insisted he could go it alone and he’d learnt to accept that. 

So he never really thought he would get this.

This being him becoming the guy who needed to be touching his boyfriend at every opportunity. A squeeze on the arm as he passed by, hands tangled whenever walked anywhere, a head resting atop his shoulder whenever they were sitting together. 

Being late to class because Matteo had walked with him and he’d had to give him one last kiss, which turned into two or three and he’d had to run in. Not to mention all the times Laura had walked in on them cuddling on the sofa, she’d given up teasing him by this point. Realised he had no shame.

On more than one occasion he had been thumped by Leonie for texting Matteo while she was talking to him because Matteo had only been on the other side of the room. But he’d been pulling faces at him, he’d had to text him. It had hurt too, Leonie was strong. And mean.

It was as if all the affection he’d buried deep down and locked away over the years was just spilling out of him. As if one hug from Matteo had opened the flood gates and no matter what he did he couldn't stop it. Because all the affection he gave out was reciprocated in kind. He met Matteo and realised he really could have this. That this expression of love and affection would be returned to him. 

If someone had told him last year that he would become the guy who was constantly touching his boyfriend he would've laughed in their face. The idea that he would feel bereft when said boyfriend wasn’t draped over him like a blanket was ludicrous to him. 

Matteo was just as bad. Reaching for him whenever he was nearby. Whining whenever he had to leave. Sulking when he didn’t pay him enough attention. Not that David helped by insisting they always sat together and when there wasn't room for that would make them sit on the floor so they could cuddle. On the rare occasion that Matteo didn't spend the night David would end up on the phone until the early hours of the morning. Getting no sympathy from Laura when he dragged himself, exhausted, into the kitchen the next day. 

It had been almost a year and Matteo's touch was still all-consuming. Still warmed him in ways he could have never imagined, lit fires in him that couldn't be quenched. It still quelled his racing heart when he was panicking. Still silenced his overwhelming mind on those days when everything felt wrong, on those days when he felt turned inside out. When he felt like a jumbled up broken mess, a mockery of the man he wanted to see in the mirror Matteo would thread their fingers together. He would step up behind him, hook his chin over his shoulder and hold him tighter than he'd ever been held before. 

It fixed nothing but it reminded David that he had the strength to get through it, to face the day and see the next one. That just because he couldn't see himself properly at that moment didn't mean Matteo saw him differently. Matteo's gaze, the look he gave him never changed, never wavered. Always made him feel seen, right down to his core. It was both terrifying and wonderful. 

So yeah David was a clingy boyfriend and he didn't care who knew it. Because he'd never dreamed of this but now that he had it he was going to revel in it.

Not that he could right now, Jonas having forced him to get up to get more beer from the kitchen. Saying it was his apartment and thus his responsibility. He’d had to leave Matteo’s warm embrace where he’d been so cosy and comfortable. And now he was standing in front of the open fridge shivering and fantasising about those arms that he’d left behind. He’d had about four beers already, he was feeling extra clingy tonight.

Carlos had teased him as he’d gotten up, asked him if he wanted Matteo to call him on the phone while he was in the kitchen. David had just flipped him off, he didn’t care. He wasn’t going to let Carlos of all people judge him for being affectionate.

He grabbed the beers and headed back to the living room when he heard what they were talking about. They were teasing Matteo now. Mocking him because apparently he’d started whining the moment David had left the room. He’d had more beer than him and was well on his way to being clingy drunk Matteo. Which was pretty much the same as regular Matteo but with a bit more stumbling.

“God you two are insufferable,” Abdi said, “you always gotta make me feel so lonely,” he complained.

“Sorry,” Matteo mumbled.

He didn’t sound all too sorry about it. They all knew he wasn’t going to tone it down. That the minute David got back in there they would be wrapped around each other again.

“You are just so clingy Luigi.” That was Jonas speaking, he sounded so fond, so proud.

He knew Matteo better than anyone, knew what he was like, what he needed from a boyfriend. Had actually commented on it once, told David he was perfect because it seemed he’d never tire of cuddling Matteo. That he’d never get fed up of how much Matteo could be sometimes. David had just replied that Matteo would never be too much anything.

Matteo just laughed quietly. “Can’t help it,” he mumbled.

“You ever worry it’s too much?” Carlos asked.

The tone of the conversation changed immediately.

“Too much?” Matteo asked. 

David gripped the box he was holding tightly at the underlying fear in his boyfriend’s voice but he didn’t step out there yet.

“You know the way you are with David? You ever wonder when it might get too much? You can be a lot you know?”

Somehow David hadn’t ripped the box, despite how tightly he was gripping it. He took a deep breath and tried to calm down. Carlos didn’t mean anything by it, he was just being stupid. But he felt annoyed, couldn’t help it.

“What do you mean?” Matteo asked quietly.

But he knew, he knew exactly what Carlos meant he could hear it in his voice. He already knew. It was something he feared, something David had reassured him of it countless times and would continue to do so for as long as it took. He also knew Carlos wasn’t trying to be mean, he was just drunk, they all were.

“You know like you’re so clingy but David is cool, right? He’s arty and all that. Like yeah, he’s nowhere near as cool as you first painted him to be but he is sporty and stuff. He’s like the toughest and coolest out of all of us you know? So it makes sense he isn’t as over the top as you right? You don’t worry he’ll get tired of it? Like you’ll get on his nerves?”

“No.” Matteo sounded so lost and quiet now, in part due to the alcohol but mostly because of Carlos’ comment. That wouldn’t do at all.

Were they fucking blind? Did they think he didn’t want Matteo clinging to him at every possible moment? That he didn’t want to be doing the same thing? They were the ones that were annoying, interrupting them and wanting to hang out all the time. Ok, that last part wasn’t quite fair but what Carlos was saying was so far from the truth. Where was this whole thing coming from? He could be sporty and soft. He could be arty and cool and still show affection to his boyfriend. Hell, he needed to. Had they seen Matteo? How could he not cuddle him at every possible opportunity?

One thing Carlos hadn’t mentioned though? How stubborn and competitive he was. Well, he was going to show them. They thought Matteo was the clingy one? How dare they? Just wait. He’d show them clingy.

He stepped out of the kitchen and calmly put the box of beers on the coffee table. He grabbed one for himself and one for Matteo before letting the boys at the rest. He opened Matteo’s beer and handed it over with a kiss to his cheek. Nothing unusual there. Matteo still went pink but accepted his beer graciously.

“Thanks, David,” he murmured as David sat down beside him.

David just beamed at him and settled against him. He wrapped his arms around him and lay his head on his chest. “Love you,” he whispered.

Matteo just blinked slowly at him, he was so sweet and a little drunk. “Love you too.” 

“Love you the most,” David said, crawling on top him and pressing soft tender kisses across his cheekbones, his forehead, the tip of his nose, finally his lips. They were warm and dry, slightly chapped and tasting of beer. David just kissed him slowly until he heard Matteo’s bottle fall to the floor with a clunk. He just grinned when Matteo tried to shove him away and reach out to grab the bottle. David held him in place and reached out to right the bottle. Some had spilt but it wasn’t too bad, he would clean it up later. 

Instead of letting Matteo up, he moulded himself to him, covering him and pressing him further and further into the sofa. He buried his face in his neck, pulling at his shirt to pepper soft kisses along his collarbones. He was starting to forget that he’d wanted to prove a point, that they had an audience. This was how he got around Matteo all the time. There was nothing on his mind but Matteo. He ran his fingers down his sides, tracing his ribs and digging them in, gripping him tight. Matteo didn’t even flinch, just gazed at him love drunk and slightly inebriated.

“Hey,” Matteo murmured.

“Hey Teo.” David kept a tight hold of him, even though he was already pretty much laid out on top of him. 

Matteo just sighed contently, enjoying being weighed down, being held. David reached up and cupped his face, rubbing his thumb over his lips and gazing into his eyes.

Jonas cleared his throat. “Alright there boys? Want us to leave or…”

David shrugged and didn’t look away. “Couldn’t care less, I just want to snuggle with my boyfriend.”

“Ok?” He said it slowly, drawn-out, obviously confused. 

It wasn’t anything they hadn’t seen before. Maybe David was being a bit more obvious about it because he was showing off. He suddenly remembered the point of his little display. “Problem?” He finally tore he eyes away from Matteo to see Jonas shaking his head, still so confused. He hadn’t even said anything in the first place. Hell, he probably would’ve said something to Carlos if David hadn’t marched in and thrown himself on top of Matteo.

“No of course not dude,” he said.

“Good.” David shifted down slightly, pushing Matteo to lay down, then stretched out on top of him, wrapping his arms tight around Matteo and leaning his head on his chest. Matteo looked at him a little bemused but he returned the hug. It was still too tentative like he was still worried about being too much. David wondered how much Carlos’ words were spinning around in that head of his.

“Hug me properly,” David insisted, giving him a squeeze.

“Are you ok?” Matteo asked.

“Yeah I guess I’m just feeling  _ extra clingy _ tonight,” David said, turning to the boys now, raising an eyebrow. 

He saw the moment the three of them got it. Carlos’ face turned apologetic immediately. “I didn't mean-”

“Then don’t say it,” David said.

“I just meant-”

“Maybe just keep quiet next time,” David suggested.

“David be nice,” Jonas warned. 

He was being a little shitty he supposed. He tended to be a little blind when it came to Matteo. “Ok. Sorry just felt a little defensive. Don’t say shit like that man.”

“I am sorry,” Carlos said.

David continued to stare. 

“I’m sorry Matteo,” Carlos said.

“It’s ok,” Matteo mumbled, he wasn’t even listening, too busy playing with David’s hair.

“I was being stupid,” Carlos said, “don’t even know what I was thinking really.” He gestured at them, the way they were currently wrapped around each other.

“Wait why are you sorry?” Matteo asked, finally catching up. He’d been too busy revelling in David’s cuddles to pay attention to the conversation.

“I’m sorry for what I said about you being too clingy, clearly it was bullshit,” Carlos said, raising his beer to David who just winked at him.

“Ok?” 

Matteo was still confused, couldn’t really focus on the conversation at hand when he was being held like this. He seemed to have forgotten about what Carlos said anyway. Was hugging David back with everything he had.

“Or they’re both too clingy,” Abdi said, clinking his beer against Carlos’.

Jonas chuckled now but David rolled his eyes. He sat up, ignoring the way Matteo whined.

“Ok it wasn’t funny when Carlos said it, it’s not funny when you say it. What the fuck is wrong with me hugging Matteo? When did that become a thing to avoid? I’m showing him affection you know, I just think-”

“Calm down David, you’re such a grumpy drunk,” Matteo muttered, pulling him back down, “so defensive.” 

“I’m not drunk and he’s being rude!” David argued but it was hard with the way Matteo was running his hands over his back. Feather-light touches making him shiver.

“No, I  _ know _ dude! I have no problem with you cuddling and shit, it’s fine, it’s sweet. It’s just you could be a little more sensitive man? You know I’m single and there you are rubbing it my face every minute. And you David? You’re so much worse than Matteo. At least he’s humble about it, knows he’s totally extra. He always looks so pleasantly surprised whenever you give him a kiss or hold his hand but you? You’re so fucking cocky about it like you’ve won the damn lottery or something…” He trailed off looking surprised that he’d said all that. Clearly, he felt he’d been suffering.

David couldn’t help but laugh, as sorry as he felt about it was pretty funny and the comically hopeless expression on Abdi’s face didn’t help. “It does feel like that sometimes,” he said quietly.

All three boys groaned in unison. But Matteo just smiled at him fondly, blinking slowly and staring at him with that slightly dazed expression he always wore. Like he couldn’t quite believe what he was seeing. David would never tire of that look.

He turned and watched Jonas wrap his arm around Abdi. “I’ll always cuddle you bro,” he offered.

“Not the fucking same and you know it,” Abid said but he continued to lean against Jonas.

David gave him a sympathetic smile then turned back to Matteo.

“Hey,” Matteo said softly.

“Hey,” David said.

They weren’t interrupted that time, so David reached out and cradled Matteo’s face in his hand. “You’ll never be too much anything for me, you know that right? I can’t ever get enough of you,” he promised.

Matteo just shrugged but he believed him.

“It’s like… when I was a kid, I was really cuddly and then as I got older it was as if I was expected to just stop. Because if I wanted to be a real man I wouldn't want to hug, not even from my mum. I mean by that point she wouldn’t even speak to me but you get what I mean? It was as if I had to prove something. When I say I have to work harder at it, this is what I mean. All these fucking standards. I wasn’t supposed to be affectionate. Right? And then I meet all of you and you’re just all over each other all the time and like that was so weird to me.”

Matteo nodded because he understood exactly where he was coming from. Had felt the exact same thing. He’d been terrified every time he’d hugged Jonas that somehow he’d know.

Matteo leant up and pressed several tender kisses to his temple. David reached out and grabbed Matteo’s hand where it was resting on his back. He entwined their fingers and held them up in front of them. Shifting he tilted his head so he could look at Matteo properly. “Remember when we met? You made that joke about holding hands?”

“Mm?”

“I wanted to hold your hand, right then and there. I couldn’t, obviously, even if I wasn’t trying to go unnoticed that would’ve been way too much-”

“I would’ve let you,” Matteo mumbled.

He so would’ve and then they would have just stood there holding hands in the corridor just not saying anything because they hardly knew each other. He still would’ve like to though.

“Well, I know that now but I’d only just met you,” David reminded him. “But I remember talking to you instead and all I wanted was to just wrap you up in my arms, just lay against you and listen to your heartbeat, to trace my fingertips across those lips and run my fingers through your hair. I had to leave when Sara came or I would’ve strangled her.” He broke off to laugh at how frustrated he’d been. Never before had he wanted someone so much.

“No you wouldn’t’ve,” Matteo said, but he squeezed his hand tight.

“And we hung out some more and it kept getting worse and then the party-”

“Ugh the party,” Matteo muttered.

“What do you mean ugh?”

“Fucking Alex and Mia, you were supposed to kiss me,” Matteo said.

“Yeah I was but in fairness, if I had kissed you, you would’ve probably started crying,” David teased, leaning forward and brushing his lips across Matteo’s not quite kissing him, just like that night.

“Fuck off,” Matteo whispered against his lips.

David pulled back but didn’t go very far, leaning their foreheads together instead.

“Do you remember when we had our first real kiss and I spent the night and-”

Carlos wolf-whistled and without even hesitating or looking away from Matteo, David flung a pillow at his head. He knew he’d hit him from the squeal it caused.

He just grinned to himself.

“So I held you all night and-”

“So you just cuddled?” Abdi demanded.

“We made out too,” Matteo said smugly.

“Yeah and then you fell asleep and I just held you. And even though I was terrified and so fucking uncomfortable, my mind wasn’t racing at all. I don’t know how but somehow I was calm. So I just held you and watched you sleep and you just kept snuggling further and further against me like you thought I’d disappear and I remember thinking, because I did need to leave, I remember thinking I just can’t, I’m not going anywhere right now. Because here was safe-”

“Always safe.”

“But then the next time? When I came over to tell you? I’d never been more scared in my life. Because I was losing you and I just couldn’t bear it. I was so afraid and my heart was pounding and I was seconds away from just breaking down. I came over to talk and I just stood there and even though you were so sad and mad with me you just held out your arms and it was ok. Everything was ok. You would wait a little longer. And you didn’t let go of me, no matter how much I tried to put some distance you didn’t let go, and you held me all night instead, and it was like… you just knew and you were trying to tell me not to pull away. You knew something was wrong and you were trying to tell me it would be fine. We didn’t speak at all. We didn’t need to and I actually fell asleep, as terrified as I was.”

“I snapped at you in the morning though,” Matteo reminded him.

“Yeah you get pretty sulky when I pull away from your hugs, I was testing your patience and you got annoyed. That’s ok,” David insisted. “But I think what I’m trying to say is, you don’t ever have to worry about being too clingy or too much. Because I need it. It’s not too much, it’ll never be too much. Matteo I went eight years without anyone but Laura to hug, and she’s amazing and wonderful and I love her so much but it’s nothing like this. Laura kept me safe all these years until I found you. Your hugs make me feel safe but they make me feel strong too, they don’t make me feel like I’m going to be ok, they make me feel like I already am. When you hold my hand I feel anchored in the storm, secure in your grip. When you kiss me, I forget everything else. It literally melts away. It’s you and only you and I will never get enough of you, never tire of you.”

Damn, what was Matteo talking about saying he was grumpy drunk. He was a sappy drunk, cuddly and affectionate too. Matteo just gazed up at him, eyes shining.

“That was beautiful dude,” Abdi whispered.

“Such a fucking artist,” Carlos said at the same time.

“You can go now,” David said, not taking his eyes from Matteo’s. 

There were sounds of outrage from the other sofa but Jonas stood up and shepherded them toward the door. 

“Fucking ridiculous,” Carlos muttered on his way past.

“We didn’t even get food!” Abdi complained.

Jonas just winked and crouched down so he was at eye-level with David. “You’re so good for each other dudes, you’re just… perfect, exactly what the other needs, just perfect,” he rambled. 

“Ok there Jonas?” David asked.

“I’m happy you’re happy, I’m so happy Matteo’s happy, he’s my very best friend you know? He was so sad and now he’s so happy, you made him that way dude.” Jonas reached out, probably to ruffle Matteo’s hair but he swatted his hand away.

“Nah he did it all by himself,” David countered, gazing down at his smiling boyfriend.

“But you helped,” Jonas said, “you made him braver, and he makes you braver too.”

“He does,” David whispered.

“Go. Away.” Matteo said.

“Later Luigi, bye David,” Jonas said, “right boys, who wants kebabs?” 

David listened to them arguing over who was paying until the door swung shut and the room fell silent.

“Hey you,” he said.

“Hey.”

“You make me so happy, I’m never letting go of you,” David said.

“Good,” Matteo whispered.

“Carlos is so annoying,” David said, shaking his head. There was no heat behind it though, in fact, he knew sounded fond. Carlos was his friend and he never meant any harm, he was just dumb sometimes.

“Got me extra cuddles though so I can’t be too mad,” Matteo said, grinning up at him

It had worked his ridiculous plan. Matteo had one hand round his wrist, and the other on his hip holding him close. All fears of being too much banished from his mind.

“Love you, Matteo,” David murmured.

“Love you too, you competitive idiot, god forbid anyone thinks you give fewer cuddles than me!”

“Oh fuck you!”

Matteo held his hands up, ready to be tackled, David gripped them and held him down, just smiling down at him. Matteo smiled up at him innocently until David couldn’t do anything but lean down and kiss him. Because he could. As much as he wanted to. He was allowed now. He had all this love in him to give and he was allowed to.


	14. life did throw everything that it could throw

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All the shit and stresses of the day fade to nothing when he's back home with Matteo. He feels invincible when he's with this man, he can do anything take on anyone because no matter what Matteo is by his side and he's not alone. Ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the prompt:
> 
> David comes home after he had a really shitty day. Like a really bad day. He comes home to their flat and sees Matteo and is like fck it's already feeling better. And thinks that Matteo is really is home, his comfort and that that boy is his forever. And it's just soft and Matteo makes him feel better and yeah

David was done, absolutely done. He couldn’t do it anymore, he was finished, it was over, done. He’d just quit. Just like that. Or… not officially, he’d been about five minutes from walking out when fucking Leo came into the open plan to send him home. Because he was getting too emotional whatever the fuck that meant. 

Fucking Leo nineteen years old and only there because his father had given him the job. No talent, no passion, didn’t even care. David had been there three and a half years and had nothing to show for it. So he’d walked out, with no plan of returning. No plan at all. He didn’t think they were expecting him back so that was that.

Three and a half years. It was only supposed to be a starting point, just a step up for him to get something bigger. He wanted to make real movies not these silly little forgotten videos for mass consumption. They were fun and he would even enjoy it if it wasn’t for the company, the pressure, his bosses. He hated it. Every day he dreaded it, every night he was so relieved to leave.

He got off the bus and stopped dead. Fuck what had he done? He’d just quit his fucking job without a plan or anything. God, what were they going to do? They had rent, bills to pay, food. What the hell had he done? He had no money coming in. He’d just had a tantrum and left. He’d fucked up big time. Now he had to go and explain himself.

He dragged himself up to the apartment, terrified of facing Matteo, of disappointing him. He wouldn't be mad, Matteo was never mad but he’d just made their lives a whole lot harder. And that was devastating. Still, he needed Matteo more than anything right now so he stepped into the apartment and leant against the door. 

Everything felt so heavy and his eyes were burning with unshed tears. He took a deep breath and then another. He tried to calm himself down. He could hear Matteo in the kitchen, cooking him dinner even though he too had been at work all day.

He took another deep breath and headed to the kitchen. There was Matteo at the stove, such a familiar sight. He had his headphones on and was bopping along to whatever he was listening to. David had gotten him a speaker for the kitchen but he tended to prefer his headphones. David didn’t mind, as long as Matteo was singing he didn’t mind. 

Right now he was humming along to a tune David didn’t recognise but he felt a warmth wash over him. Just for a second, he felt like maybe everything would be ok. He leant against the doorframe and watched Matteo, completely unaware of him. Or so he thought.

Matteo looked over his shoulder with a grin. “Hey you’re just in time it’s pretty much ready-” his grin faded slightly as he looked at David. His weak smile obviously wasn’t convincing, “hey,” he said again, softer this time, as he turned down the heat and walked over to him.

And suddenly he just knew it was going to be ok. It was going to be ok. Matteo wouldn’t be disappointed with him. Matteo had been telling him to quit for months, years even. David realised it was fine. Yeah, they were probably fucked, they were probably going to have to live pretty tight for a while until he figured something out. But Matteo wasn’t going to leave. He would support him always, he’d figure out ways to keep them fed, stretch out what they had to make bills and rent. Even if they had to move, no matter where they ended up Matteo was his home.

He just stepped into Matteo’s arms and closed his eyes.

“I’ve had such a shit day Matteo,” he whispered.

Matteo pulled back and looked him over, reaching out and stroking his cheek. “Talk about it?”

David nodded.

“Come sit,” Matteo said.

David quietly followed him to the counter and sat on the stool.

“I made casserole,” Matteo said, grabbing a tray out of the oven where he’d kept it warm. He placed it on the counter in front of David and then grabbed the pot with the vegetables. He grabbed some plates before sitting opposite him and gesturing for David to help himself.

David couldn’t. His hands were shaking, he felt so overwhelmed by Matteo right now. Even though he knew Matteo wouldn’t be disappointed, knew it would be ok, David felt awful. Matteo sighed and got up from his stool, walking round to David’s side and just wrapped his arms around him, holding him tight. “Talk to me David,” he whispered.

“I’ve had the worst fucking day Matteo,” he mumbled.

“Mm?” 

“You know that video I did, with Quinn Mathers, the author?” 

“Yeah it was amazing,” Matteo said, nodding eagerly.

Quinn was a trans sci-fi writer whose work David had been a fan of for a few years. He didn’t even like sci-fi until he read Quinn’s work. He’d started because Quinn was trans and David wanted to support marginalised authors but he got sucked in and now Matteo said he was a superfan. When he’d gotten the chance to interview Quinn he’d almost died. Almost turned it down he was so nervous. Matteo had just rolled his eyes and told him to pull himself together.

Quinn was a genius too, the interview had been amazing. He’d gotten way too much material from it but he was such an insightful and well-spoken guy, all David had been able to do was listen and try not to stutter through his questions.

He’d been so excited to share it. Let people get to know the real Quinn. Share info Quinn hadn’t shared before and David had that opportunity. Quinn trusted David for some reason, liked him and wanted to give him a break.

“They won’t accept it,” David whispered, “said it wasn’t in the tone of the website.”

“Oh fuck them,” Matteo said, squeezing him tight and then pulling back to face him.

“Matteo this meant so much to me,” David said, rubbing furiously at his eyes.

“I know David, I know,” Matteo said. “How hungry are you?”

David felt guilty, Matteo had cooked all this food for him and he couldn’t face it. “Not very, I feel sick,” he admitted.

“Ok let me just put this back in the oven to keep it warm and then let’s go talk,” Matteo said.

David watched Matteo clear everything away, feeling guilty even though he didn’t need to. Matteo wasn’t angry or annoyed with him. Just took his hand and lead him into the living room, drawing the curtains and putting on the lamps before switching the main light off. He sat down on the sofa and David climbed on top of him, Matteo’s arms immediately circling him again.

“But it’s not just the interview,” David said as Matteo settled him on his lap. “It’s everything. Every time I deviated from the stupid boring categories they’ve got me on I get written up. Warned not to break the mould and I’m fucking sick of it. I’ve stayed there because I wanted a job where I can be creative but fuck it I haven’t been creative in years. Matteo, I just churn out video after video about the same mindless shit and it’s the same fucking thing every time and when I want to make a story about something that interests me I’m told no. And then when I try to argue my case they send fucking Leo, the stupid kid to tell me I’m being too emotional. 

“Too emotional? What the fuck! Matteo, do you know what they meant by that? Do you know what they were implying? They knew exactly why the interview was important to me Matteo, how the fuck do they even see me? How fucking dare they? But then I couldn’t help it because I was upset and I was fucking close to tears so maybe I am too emotional but not like how they implied and what the fuck is wrong with emotion? Why the fuck can’t I put some emotion or feeling into my stories? Because the advertisers won’t sponsor it? Get better fucking advertisers and then- and then-”

“Breathe,” Matteo said, shifting them so he was laying on the couch and David was on top of him, on his back staring at the ceiling through his tears. Matteo placed a hand on his chest, just feeling his racing heart, the fast measure of his breath, just waiting, trying to slow it.

“I-”

David gasped, he couldn’t catch his breath. 

“Just breathe a minute. I’m listening, I hear you. I want you to keep going but I need you to breath for a minute. I wanna hear everything but you’re gonna stop being able to talk so just take a minute for me ok?” Matteo said gently, still holding him tight.

“Ok,” David said. He closed his eyes and focussed on the way Matteo was holding him, grounding him, he felt so safe, so comforted. He took a deep breath, then another, relaxing into Matteo.

“Ok?” Matteo said.

“Yeah,” David whispered.

“I’m here,” Matteo said, “I’m listening.”

“I just broke you know? I just called them out on everything. Told my boss he had absolutely no integrity, that people wanted to see real shit so what harm did it do? Why the fuck did we have to censor ourselves to keep the fucking sponsors happy? Did they not want to reach an audience? And he came back and said my views had been so low I had no room to talk and that’s not fucking fair Matteo. Of course, they are low, I don’t get to talk about what I want.

“Matteo they promised me that when we were up and running I would get a queer space to talk and they won’t. They’re not going to. Said there’s no place for it on their site. What the fuck am I going to do? I’ve wasted three years of my life and I don’t even want to do this. I want to make movies and I’m still fucking here and I don’t know what to do,” David said, finally breaking and letting the tears fall in earnest, giving into his sobs. He turned over and buried his face in Matteo’s chest. 

His boyfriend just continued to hold him, rubbing his back gently until he could calm down. “Did you quit?” he asked.

“Yeah, I think so,” David mumbled.

“Good.”

“Good?”

“I’ve been telling you for years to quit David,” Matteo said, stroking away his tears and smiling at him.

“Yeah but I don’t have another job, what the fuck am I gonna do?” David reminded him.

He had to go back. He’d have to go back and beg for his job back. He couldn’t just quit.

“We’ll figure something out,” Matteo said.

David sat up, ignoring Matteo’s whine, not letting him pull him back down. “No it’s not fair, we have rent we have bills, I can’t put it on you,” he said.

“It’ll work out,” Matteo said.

“No-”

“It’ll work out David I have faith in you, you’ll get something else,” Matteo insisted.

“I-”

“And anyway I’ve been saving,” Matteo said.

“Saving?” 

“Like any extra money I had just in case,” Matteo said, grinning up at him.

“In case I quit?” David asked slowly.

“Yeah,” Matteo said.

“What the fuck Matteo?” David demanded, he wasn’t angry he was stunned. He probably sounded angry but Matteo knew him well enough by now.

He obviously wasn’t worried if the way he was just smiling up at him fondly was anything to go by. 

“We’ve been doing ok for a while and I thought you know, you’d be ready soon to make that jump to chase your dreams again. So I’ve been saving. We’re good for a few months, I promise. Take your time, recoup, take a break even. Start working on your own stuff again, write again, put yourself forward for things you want to work on, don’t think of the money for a while,” he said.

“But Matteo you-”

“I know I’m not earning the big bucks like you, but I’m happy at the bookshop, and we’re not going anywhere, people still want books. So let me support you?” he offered.

David couldn’t help it, he started to cry again. That this kind generous man was his boyfriend astounded him. He would literally give him anything. He’d been thinking of him always. Just quietly putting by so he was ready to support him the moment David was ready to make the jump. David didn’t even feel guilty, it was clear this was something Matteo wanted and he couldn’t even argue. He knew he’d do the same if things were the other way around.

Thankfully Matteo was still happy working in the bookstore where his mother had found him a job after school finished. The owner, Anna, was an old family friend who’d just needed a bit of help here and there. After working there about a year Anna’s health took a downturn and she left Matteo pretty much running the place while she recovered. He’d thrived at that and five years later he was still there, working full time, still in charge of everything and doing well at it. 

In addition, he found the time to study psychology part-time, online mostly, a few classes in the evenings. But at his own pace, that was the important thing. So what if it took him five or six years to get his degree? He was studying it because it was interested in it, not for the piece of paper at the end.

The important thing was it all fit Matteo. If he had a day, a week or even months where he couldn’t get up and face the day he was never punished for it. They worked it out, Anna and Marco, the student who worked there part-time, rallying round to make sure Matteo knew he was to take his time, recover and not come back a moment before he was ready.

David could never do that at his place. Wouldn’t even try. He’d caught the flu one winter and had been sent home with a laptop, expected to continue working “between naps” his boss had said. 

Matteo had pretty much confiscated the laptop, told him if he didn’t rest that flu was going to become pneumonia and he would end up in the hospital. He may have been afraid of his boss but he didn’t dare mess with Matteo when he was taking care of him. He was somehow both the gentlest and fiercest caretaker David had ever known. He’d been a nightmare after his surgery overly fussing yet refusing to hug him until the deadlines the surgeon had given him were up. Even though David had been told to judge it himself.

David just sighed. He wanted to be happy with his work like Matteo was. He wanted to be able to come home at the end of the day and relax with his boyfriend not worry about deadlines. He wanted to be creative.

“I… I… I wanna work on my own stuff,” David said.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, I know… it’s not going to be easy but… I want to, I want to be happy and that would make me happy,” David said.

Matteo nodded.

“Hey, I could always make you a website if you like. I’m not bad, I made one for the bookstore remember?”

David smiled at him, he had made one for Anna, set up a small online shop for her too. Helped bring her into the twenty-first century she’d said.

“But you could start your own like… there are platforms already and I could help you get set up. But it’d be nice if it was your own. With all your art too, that’d be really cool. And you could stick it to them. And you could talk to Quinn, ask if he’d let you put the interview up on your site, he’s a nice guy, he’d get it. Maybe you could just… I don’t know like you wanted to do queer media right? I know the dream is movies but you could start with this… and I know you can make it. It’s not a race, you make such brilliant content it wouldn’t even take long, you’d have a million subscribers in a month,” Matteo said.

David just stared at him. He remembered that time once when he’d said he could go it alone, thought he was destined to that kind of life. How the hell would he have gotten through all this alone? How could he go without this unconditional, overwhelming support from this man? He wasn’t even scared of the future, even if the website didn’t work, even if he never got anywhere, he could just go work at the bookshop with Matteo and be happy. But he would make it, he’d make it because he had Matteo by his side, gentle encouragement to keep him going always.

“David?”

“Yeah?”

“It’ll be ok,” Matteo said.

“I know,” David said.

“You do?”

“Yeah because you’re here,” David said.

It would be ok, always. He would be ok because he had Matteo, he wasn’t alone, he didn’t have to deal with anything alone again. All this time he’d been struggling at work he’d been ok because he’d always been able to come home to Matteo. The moment he’d walked out that evening, even though he was stressed and scared, he’d known deep down it would be ok. Even though he’d been afraid of disappointing Matteo he’d known that was his own view. That Matteo would never be disappointed, that he’d just take him in his arms and make everything ok again. 

No matter how many shitty days there would be in the future, and there would be more, it didn’t matter because he had Matteo, he had a home with this man and he could escape from it all with him.


	15. calls of guilty thrown at me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David knows he's being mean, he's frustrated and he's taking it out on poor Matteo who's done nothing wrong, doesn't even know what's going on, must feel like he's being punished just for being himself. He doesn't even mean it when he says it, he's never once wanted Matteo to shut up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the prompts:
> 
> 1\. David being in a bad mood and totally stress and he accidentally says something hurtful to Matteo (about his autism, depression etc.) and Matteo is just so hurt and pulls back and avoids David and David is so sorry and hasn't meant it and apologizes and it's sweet and so full of love?
> 
> 2\. Can we get something angstier one day again? (With a big fat happy ending, because I can’t love without those lol) Maybe David screwing up and hurting Matteo in the process?
> 
> 3\. Angsty prompt. You always manage to write them so beautifully and give them the conclusion they need.David is stressed and snaps hardcore at Matteo. Matteo takes it really personal,is reminded of his childhood,being a waste of space etc. David runs away from the situation and regrets it so bad.He apologizes over text but Matteo doesn’t answer and he feels so bad and just drives to the flat then and they both cry and Matteo feels so unwanted and unloved,but David gives him all the love then

David wanted to drop out. Well not drop out, that was a little dramatic. Maybe just murder his Professor. Anderson that pretentious prick. His course, _History of Communication_ was dull, he was dull, the other students were dull. David had hated it since the start of the semester. Ever since he’d decided to try and be a little impressive and write about something that interested him. So he wrote a long piece on the history of black cinema, pretty much an essay on the lack of diversity through the past century. He’d gotten it back with a D. Because he’d apparently gone off-topic and it wasn’t what Anderson was looking for. 

He’d written about something a bit more interesting than fucking Hitchcock or whoever it was Anderson was into. 

Yeah maybe David was a bit pissed about it but he felt he had every right to be. The class was boring and he’d tried to make it a bit more interesting and he’d been punished for it. He knew his essay was good. He’d shown it to Max, the postgrad who ran his study group for _Cinematic Themes_ and he’d loved it. He’d said it was very insightful. Decided to focus a huge section of his thesis on black cinema just for that. David was helping, Max had cleared it with their supervisors, needed him to consult and he would get extra credit. David knew his work was good, Max wouldn’t want him if it wasn’t. So he didn’t need the opinion of some sixty-year-old white guy whose view of cinema was completely blind and narrow-minded. 

But now he hated the class and didn’t want to write his essay on the evolution of film. Because he knew it wouldn't be good enough, he couldn’t write about what he wanted and instead would have to focus on the driest of topics.

He was so stressed about it. How was this one essay worth forty percent of his grade? And the whole module was twenty credits so he needed to pass. It didn't matter how much he hated it, he needed to get it done. He’d been at it for four hours and all he had so far was a very flimsy outline and no real plan. Now it was almost ten and this was due tomorrow.

“David,” Matteo said, from where he was laying on the bed, hanging off the edge, watching him. Probably wanting him to come to bed. 

David wasn't going to be sleeping tonight though and he didn't know how to tell Matteo that without causing him to fuss.

“Busy Matteo,” he muttered, pulling out his notes again and scanning through them. Trying to find an idea, inspiration, something.

“Ok,” Matteo said quietly. 

Then he got up and began to wander around the room fidgeting with his cameras. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw him pulling a face and taking a selfie. David sighed, wishing Matteo would just go to bed so he could focus.

“David?”

“Yes, Matteo?”

“Can’t you take a break? I wanted to tell you about the comet now,” Matteo said, he’d been wanting to tell him since he’d gotten home from work. He’d come bounding in excited and eager to tell him. David had had to tell him no, that he couldn’t hear all about Matteo’s sudden interest in astrophysics.

“I’m busy,” David reminded him.

“Ok,” Matteo said, flopping back onto the bed and grabbing his phone.

After a few more minutes there was some intro music and then some show started on his phone.

“Matteo for fuck sakes headphones,” David snapped, then cursed himself for being so short with his boyfriend.

“Sorry,” Matteo mumbled, stopping the video and rummaging around for some headphones. He got up and tiptoed over to the desk, opening the drawers.

“Jesus Christ Matteo,” David said.

“I’ve got them, sorry I’ll be quiet now, sorry,” Matteo said and David felt awful. He reached out and squeezed his hand quickly.

“It’s ok, I just gotta focus ok?”

As soon as this was over Matteo would have his full attention but he if he wanted to get it finished he actually had to make a start.

Matteo just nodded and went back to the bed. He was pretty silent after that. Somehow that was worse, every now and then he’d glance up at his boyfriend, sat on the bed focused on whatever he was watching on his phone. That was distracting enough but every now and then he’d laugh loudly making him jump and lose what little focus he had. 

Finally, he started to get an idea, it wasn’t anything interesting or even good but it should scrape him a pass. He finally started getting into the flow of things, it was slow and bitty but it was all coming together and-

“David?”

“Yes Matteo?” he said through gritted teeth.

“Can I tell you about the comet now?”

David took a deep breath and looked at his phone for the time. Matteo rocked on his feet nervously and David sighed, that guilty feeling came back and he realised he’d ignored Matteo all night. He wanted nothing more than to listen to whatever he had to say but he knew that Matteo was going to talk at length about this, he was so excited and David didn’t have time.

“I’ll be quick,” Matteo said, “please?”

“And you’ll be quiet after?” David said, trying not to be snappy with him.

He knew he’d failed when Matteo blinked nervously, hesitant and unsure of whether or not to continue.

“Go on then,” David said, hating how mean he sounded.

“Ok so… er… there’s this comet, right? Have you heard about it? It’s really close to the earth right now and for the next couple of days and we might actually be able to see it, with the naked eye I mean.” He paused there, waiting to see if he was going to be stopped. David should've stopped him but he didn’t, so Matteo continued. “Ok and so I was thinking we should go, I don’t know maybe at the weekend? We could go out of the city. See this is probably going to be the last comet we’ll see so well in our lifetimes, because of light pollution and stuff they think we won’t see anymore. And this particular comet won’t be back for seven-thousand years so obviously _we_ won’t see it again.” Matteo grinned at him, on a roll now and David needed him to stop talking, needed to get back to his essay. “It’s like sixty million miles away but we’ll be able to see it with just our eyes. And I think you might have the right camera to take a picture if you like, you have that fancy lens right?”

Matteo hesitated again, smiling. He had so much more to say and David knew he needed to stop him and go back to his work. But he didn’t he just nodded. So Matteo kept going.

“Ok so it’s not actually that big it’s only like five kilometres but that’s quite big for a comet. Isn’t that cool? So we can only see it because it’s so close. But don’t worry it’s not that close, it’s not gonna crash or anything. It’s a comet, not a meteor.” Matteo laughed again, “but don’t worry I’ll hold your hand anyway in case of a dinosaur meteor type situation. You know what would be funny though if a meteor crashed into earth and like brought back the dinosaurs. You should make a movie about that. Like a twist. Like is it… Planet of the Apes? I do like dinosaurs. You should definitely make a movie about dinosaurs... in space! Like-”

“Matteo enough what are you five?” David snapped, he really needed to get back to work. He couldn’t have fun right now.

“I… I… yeah no sorry I thought… I dunno never mind,” Matteo mumbled.

“Look usually I can put up with you rambling but this essay is important ok? Can you just go to bed or go back to your show? I’m pulling an all-nighter on this and I need to concentrate.”

“Yeah ok sorry,” Matteo said, leaving him to his work.

“No problem talk later ok?”

“Yeah ok,” Matteo mumbled.

David felt really bad, that was so mean of him but he needed to focus. 

Normally he loved listening to Matteo but he couldn’t right now and it was frustrating him. 

He watched Matteo go back to the bed and settle down, pulling the blankets tight around himself. David looked back at his essay wishing more than anything he could just go to bed, or sit and listen to Matteo’s new fascination with comets. 

But he couldn’t do any of that, he had to focus on early twentieth-century film techniques. Slowly he managed to pull something together. It was painful but he finally started getting somewhere.

After a while, David was disturbed again by Matteo getting up and heading to the door. David frowned at him.

“Where are you going?”

“Bathroom,” Matteo whispered. “Sorry.”

David watched him creep out so carefully and he immediately felt sick. He’d fucked up big time. He’d apologise again as soon as he came back in. 

For now, he tried to focus on the screen in front of him and ignore the sinking feeling in his stomach. He was getting there, nothing groundbreaking but it was progress. Now that it was quiet in the room he could finally concentrate. Slowly he got lost in the work. He finally had something he could work with. If he hit this hard for a couple of hours he would have a complete essay he could hand in. 

He needed to take a break before he tackled that, now that he knew he had something he could relax for a minute. 

Plus he needed to tell Matteo the good news and apologise for being so shitty with him. Maybe he would tell him about the comet now. He could take a little break to listen to him now. And when he got the essay done then they could go out looking for it like Matteo suggested. 

He didn’t know if they’d see anything but it would be cool. Matteo could tell him all about it and everything he was going to learn over the next few days. Then knowing them they’d probably end up getting high or making out too much and missing the whole thing. Still, it sounded like a perfect evening to him.

He looked over at the bed but Matteo still wasn’t back. David frowned, confused. He must have been in the bathroom for nearly an hour and- oh. 

He jumped up and rushed out of the bedroom, ready to chase after Matteo wherever he’d gone. He didn’t even blame him if he had left, he’d been awful tonight. But he didn’t like the idea of Matteo feeling like he had to leave, didn’t like not knowing where he was. 

He didn’t have to go far, Matteo was sitting just outside the door, slumped against the wall, half dozing, his hood up over his face.

David crouched down and then sat down opposite him.

“Hey, what are you doing out here?” he asked.

“Hm?”

“Matteo wake up, why are you out here?”

“Didn’t want to disturb you,” Matteo muttered, staring at his hands, refusing to look up at him.

David wanted to cry, he’d done this. He’d treated Matteo like shit and made him too scared to come to bed. What the fuck was wrong with him?

“Oh shit Matteo no no no,” David whispered, reaching out to get him to look at him but when David touched his chin Matteo flinched and curled up tighter.

He didn’t know how to fix this, all he wanted to do was go back an hour and scream at himself to shut up. To think. He hadn’t been paying attention to what he was saying but that was no excuse. 

Matteo had been listening, Matteo had heard all that hurtful stuff and he was going to take it to heart and David couldn’t think of a way to fix it. He looked at Matteo and knew exactly what he was about to say. Shame washed over him.

“I’m sorry for-”

“No! No, don’t you dare. This is me, I’ve been shitty. Please don’t apologise,” he insisted.

“I was annoying you,” Matteo mumbled.

David’s heart sank, he’d fucked up big time now. This was the worst thing he’d ever done. In this moment he hated himself. This was how people made Matteo feel on a daily basis and now he was no fucking better.

“Can I come to bed now?” Matteo asked quietly.

“No,” David whispered, his eyes burning with unshed tears as he desperately tried to work out how to do this, make Matteo see that he never thought he was annoying.

“Oh.”

“Wait no. I mean yeah if you’re tired but… but… let me fix this. Please don’t go to bed yet let me fix it. I’m so sorry Matteo,” he said, begging his boyfriend to give him a chance. 

It didn't feel like nearly enough, he didn’t know how to make this right because he knew Matteo would just accept his apology with no question and that wasn’t right. Matteo thought he was at fault here and that would be hard to fight.

“It’s ok,” Matteo mumbled with a shrug.

“No, it isn’t,” David insisted.

Matteo seemed to realise how distressed he was then because he looked up with a frown. “It’s fine David,” he said. Because now _he_ felt bad. This was all so unfair.

“It isn’t Matteo, it isn’t ok at all but I am so sorry. Can I explain myself? I don’t have a fucking excuse but can I at least give the reason I’ve been so shitty?” he asked.

Matteo continued to look at him. Matteo continued to pay attention to him because he was a good boyfriend who always listened. Not like him. 

Except David had tried to listen, listened when he should’ve asked Matteo for a bit of space. He wanted Matteo there with him in the room while he worked because he didn’t want to be lonely. But he knew it would distract him and he should’ve taken his work to the living room. He wanted to be distracted because he hated the essay but that wasn’t fair on Matteo at all. 

“Ok,” Matteo said.

“Don’t forgive me yet,” David said.

“I do,” Matteo said.

David sighed. “I know but you shouldn’t,” he said.

Matteo shrugged, he forgave him already and there was nothing to do to convince him otherwise. Most people would have probably been relieved but David just felt awful. Didn’t want to be forgiven when he didn’t deserve it at all.

“My essay is due tomorrow, for Anderson. And it’s my own fault because I didn’t start it until tonight because I hate it. I hate the professor and the class, it’s the guy that gave me a D for my essay about black cinema. But I have to write it because it’s compulsory and this whole class is worth twenty credits so I have to do well. Because… Matteo, I’m failing _Visual Comm_. It was supposed to be my best module this year and I’m failing that so I need to at least pass this and work harder at visual or I’m fucked. And now I’m starting to think maybe I’m just not cut out for this,” David confessed. 

He hadn’t told Matteo any of this, kept making out that it was going well, that he was on top but the truth was he was drowning in it. Film school was even harder than he’d been expecting.

“You are,” Matteo said, “and you’re doing fine. Maybe it’s a bit harder than you thought but you’re doing ok. If you work a bit harder at it you can get back on top.”

He was right, it wasn’t that he wasn’t cut out for it, it was because he hadn’t been working as hard as he could've been.

“I know,” he said quietly. “I’m just feeling so sorry for myself because really this is no one’s fault but mine. I’ve been slacking,” he admitted.

“You’ve been having fun,” Matteo corrected. “A lot of fun.”

“I have,” David agreed.

He’d made friends, more friends than he’d ever had before. He’d joined so many clubs and societies. For the first time school wasn’t something he had to do, it was something he enjoyed. And for more than just his classes. His classes which he was blowing them off a little to hang with his new friends, go to parties or society events. Because he wanted to, he wanted to have fun now that he finally could. Now that he’d found somewhere he fit in.

“Never done that before?” Matteo asked.

“What?”

“Had to juggle a social life and school?”

David chuckled to himself, Matteo was exactly right. He wasn’t this genius in high school like Matteo always said he was. He was talented at art, yeah but with everything else, he just had a lot of time to study because there wasn’t anything else to do. He wasn’t invited to a lot of parties in the past. Now he was out socialising all the time, he didn’t have time to study and his grades were suffering. This was his fault and no one else’s.

“No never,” David said.

“It’s a good thing though, you’ll figure it out, you need to find a balance. I think you need to prioritise your work a bit more but you can still have fun-”

“No hey no don't do that. I’m apologising here, don’t comfort me,” David said.

Matteo wasn’t even trying to make him feel bad, this was just his nature to reassure him always. 

“I… but I want to,” Matteo said.

David sighed and slowly moved closer so that they were sitting next to each other.

“I know,” he said.

“Are we ok?”

“I don’t know, I don’t know how we can be. I just treated you horribly and I don’t know how to make it up to you because Matteo… I don’t… how do I fix this? How do I make it ok?”

“I… I…”

“Tell me, please,” David insisted, moving closer but still not touching, he didn’t deserve that yet.

“You made me feel like shit,” Matteo said finally.

“I know tell me,” David said.

Matteo took a deep breath and David braced himself.

“You said I was a child David!” Matteo said. David winced he didn’t even… he had. He’d accused him of being childish, something he was so insecure about. 

Matteo jumped up and turned to face him, immediately stressed as he thought about earlier.

“You know how bad that is! You know how it upsets me. I’m not a fucking child.” Matteo pulled on his hair and started to pace the room. 

All David could do was watch, let him voice it. 

“Just because I get excited about something... and yeah maybe I get a bit overexcited about silly stuff sometimes but you could’ve stopped me. I asked you if I could talk and you said yes. I asked you all night and you kept saying soon. You could've said no not today. You said soon David but you didn’t say when so I kept asking! You could’ve fucking explained why you were so fucking grumpy!” Matteo was standing against the other wall now, pressing his head against it, hard. David got up and gently pulled him back before he hurt himself but didn’t interrupt him, didn’t hold him in place. Matteo went back to pacing. 

“You never even said your essay was due tomorrow. I _know_ how important this is to you, I wouldn’t have bothered you if you’d just fucking explained you were struggling. I can't always tell and you were pretending everything was ok! David, I’m autistic but I’m not fucking stupid. And you made me feel stupid today. I have been to school I do remember how it works. I know deadlines David, I know school stress. I can't help you write anything but I can leave you alone. _You_ asked me to stay in the room with you. This is you! I didn’t do anything wrong, if you thought I was going to be annoying you should’ve gone in the living room!”

“I know. I know it was me ok? I wanted you in there with me, I was being selfish because I knew you were restless but I still wanted you with me and that wasn’t fair. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you just because I was frustrated, just because I couldn’t focus,” David said.

Matteo was right, completely justified in his anger. Except he wasn’t angry just sad and David still felt terrible. At the same time, he felt a lot better, relieved. It helped that Matteo had voiced all that, told him how he felt rather than bottle it up, pointed out where David had gone wrong.

“Just don’t ever make me feel so fucking small again, it’s not fair.” Matteo finally sank against him, David’s arms immediately circling him.

“God Matteo, I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry,” David whispered, he felt like he didn’t deserve his boyfriend snuggling up against him but he held him tight anyway.

“I know David,” Matteo said quietly, “sorry for going off but you made me feel like shit.”

“I know and I’m so sorry, you’re right to speak up,” David said.

“Ok thank you, just… next time tell me you need quiet. I do get it David,” Matteo insisted, “you don’t have to… you can tell me to shut up you know? If you need to work just tell me to shut up. Not like that but you don’t have to tiptoe around either. I know I ramble with you because you let me but you don’t have to listen. I can stop, I can,” he said but that was the complete opposite of what David wanted.

“I want to, Matteo I always want to listen to you. I should’ve asked you if you could hold off until morning but I didn’t because I’d always rather listen to you than write this stupid essay or anything,” David said.

Matteo nodded.

“David I know you didn’t want to be on your own but I think if you can’t focus with me there then you have to suck it up.”

“I know.”

He was right, he absolutely hated the prospect but Matteo was right, he’d gotten a lot more done while Matteo was out in the hall.

“I’m not mad,” Matteo said.

“I know.”

“Don’t feel guilty ok? Let it go,” Matteo said.

David kissed his temple. “I swore I’d never be like everyone else, all those people that made you feel like shit.”

“It’s not the same though,” Matteo said.

“How?”

“You weren’t dismissing me, you weren’t… you weren’t trying to make me feel like shit, you were frustrated and you took it out on me and that’s bad but… there was no intention there ok? So I can forgive you and… I know you won’t do it again,” Matteo said.

He was absolutely right, this was never happening again. “Never,” he promised.

“Good.”

“I think… I think I have to study alone,” David said.

“Yeah,” Matteo agreed.

“I miss you though.”

“You’ll survive, but maybe don’t try to study for like five hours straight, take breaks, come see me, go for walks, just step away for a bit,” Matteo suggested.

If anyone knew about focussing issues it was his boyfriend. 

“Come apologise to my wonderful boyfriend?” David suggested.

“Yeah that too,” Matteo said quietly, leaning heavily against him. He was tired out.

“Can you tell me about the comet?”

Matteo shrugged.

“Please… I really did want to hear about it,” David said.

And it was the truth. He always wanted to hear what Matteo wanted to talk about, almost always found it interesting and when he didn’t, when it was something he really couldn’t understand or so random he couldn’t relate he still loved to just listen to Matteo. He would listen to him speak for hours. 

One time Matteo had been telling him about self-driving cars and the computer intelligence behind it, how they were programming them to make decisions. He’d gone on for almost an hour getting more and more into the complicated coding and logic of such things before he realised David was listening to him but not to what he was saying. 

He’d just been laying there with what Matteo said was a vacant look on his face. David would argue it was a dreamy expression, one that he often wore when Matteo was talking. He had tried to listen but the topic was too complex and instead of asking Matteo to explain he’d gotten distracted by the sound of his voice. 

Matteo had sat David up, sat down opposite him and made him listen all over again using simpler language. It was like that was his punishment for not paying attention. It was never a punishment to David.

“Ok ok, so the comet can be seen with the naked eye but only for the next few days, that’s why I wanted to tell you now,” Matteo said.

“And then it’s gone for seven thousand years?”

Matteo blinked.

“I was listening, I promise I was listening,” David said.

Matteo just crawled into his lap. “You always listen, even when perhaps you shouldn’t,” he said, “like when you should be focussing on an essay?”

“Like right now?”

“Yeah,” Matteo said, “look I’m the first person who’d wanna blow off studying but you’re not. You hate the class right?”

“Right.”

“So you’re putting it off and putting it off. It’s probably too late to ace this but it’s not going to be a reflection of your talent at all. Just… finish it, hand it in and be done with it. Then you need to work on finding a balance for your other classes because you gotta do well in the rest. You gotta stick it to Anderson that way,” Matteo said.

“No more weeknight partying?”

“Wouldn’t advise it no,” Matteo said.

The only reason he’d been able to get up for class last Thursday was because when he’d come home drunk at two am Matteo had forced two bottles of water down him plus some painkillers. Then woken him up gently with coffee and more water, sandwiches once his stomach had calmed down. 

Matteo was sensible, he refused to go out when he had work the next day. Now that there was less pressure on him to go out, keep up appearances he stayed in most evenings. He’d never liked loud, bright parties and he was tired of pretending. Beers with the boys, movies, just hanging out, that was more his speed. David ought to take a leaf out of his book.

“Maybe just do more sedate stuff during the week,” Matteo suggested.

“Like stay home and cuddle?”

“I mean I’m not going to complain,” Matteo said.

“To be honest I think I’d always rather do that, it is fun going out but damn it’s exhausting,” David admitted. He’d made lots of friends and it was really fun to hang out with them, he was a social guy but he wasn’t really a midweek clubbing kind of guy. Maybe on a good Saturday, if he got Matteo out with him and managed to convince him to dance then he’d enjoy it more.

“You don’t have to drink to have fun,” Matteo said, “believe me I know.”

Matteo had spent his final year of high school self-medicating with booze and weed, he knew all about the toll that took. But now he knew and understood what he’d been medicating against. The depression, the anxiety, sensory overload, just not fitting in, struggling with things other people couldn’t even imagine. Things were a lot better now. He could drink without getting blind drunk, smoke to have fun not block out the world. David couldn’t be prouder.

“You’re right,” he said.

“And you don’t have to party hard to catch up with what you’ve missed in high school,” he said. “If you’re not enjoying it now, you probably wouldn’t have enjoyed it then.”

Wow did Matteo have a read on him. David felt like he had to, to make up for what he’d missed out on in his teenage years but that wasn’t the case at all. If it wasn’t fun, it wasn’t fun. He hadn’t been having a terrible time or anything but he'd been pushing himself, going out when he was too tired, not wanting to miss out on anything. Fearing that he’d already missed out on too much. “Damn Matteo, I love you so much, you know that right?”

“I know.”

“When’s the best time to see this comet?”

“Like three am so if we go Saturday it might be ok. I’ve checked the cloud coverage, we can get the bus out to the lakes, you know where it’s quiet? I mean we _could_ cycle but it’s really far. But we could take some food and blankets,” Matteo suggested.

Oh, that sounded wonderful, no wonder Matteo was excited to tell him. That was his ideal evening out. Just the two of them somewhere quiet.

“Matteo that sounds perfect,” David whispered.

“Yeah I thought so,” Matteo said. “So the essay?”

“Ugh no don’t make me,” David whined.

“Come on lazy bones,” Matteo said, standing up and pulling David up too.

“Maybe I just should have a nap? You know help you get to sleep?” David suggested, following Matteo into the bedroom.

“Or maybe you should do some fucking work, three nights you were out last week, I have no sympathy for you,” Matteo teased.

“My boyfriend is so mean,” David whined.

“_You_ want to talk mean boyfriends?”

David winced, that wasn’t funny, that just hurt. He didn’t ever want Matteo to think of him as mean, even as a joke. “Please don’t, please,” he whispered.

Matteo frowned. “David I’m not mad,” he said.

“I am. I’m mad at myself,” David said.

Matteo smiled, placed his hands on David’s shoulders and pulled him forward for a kiss. David sank into him, like he had any other choice. He just kissed him, let him hold him, distract him fo a little while. Eventually, Matteo pulled back, kissed him one more time then flopped onto the bed.

“I think you’re wonderful,” he said. “Grumpy but wonderful. Look, David, I know all about saying stupid shit we don’t mean, I do it frequently. It happens and I’m not mad at you, let it go ok?”

“Ok” David mumbled, sitting down at the desk.

“Love you,” Matteo said, settling down in bed.

“Love you too,” David whispered, just staring at his boyfriend all cosy in bed, wrapped up in all the blankets. David just wanted to go hug him.

“David?”

“Yeah?” 

“I’m going to sleep, I sleep better with you here even if you’re not in the bed but maybe when I’ve fallen asleep you should go out into the living room,” Matteo said.

“Yeah you’re right, all I want to do is come cuddle with you.” 

Matteo just smiled and closed his eyes, David watched him, probably for a lot longer than he should’ve done. But eventually, he grabbed his laptop and dragged himself out to the living room so he could focus. Cursing Anderson the entire time.

Three days later Matteo was curled up under the blankets again. But this time David was with him, just as cosy. He was sitting behind him, pressed as close as possible. Partly to keep Matteo warm, mostly just because he wanted to be. Next to them, his camera was set up ready, he’d researched the settings he needed, the correct lens, it was good to go. The remote shutter in his pocket just in case the actually saw anything. 

Even if they didn’t it was beautiful out here, so dark, so quiet. The only light was coming from the stars above them. The moment they’d gotten settled David had switched off the torch and pocketed it, happy to sit in the darkness.

He’d never known stars to be so bright, the way they reflected on the still water of the lake was magical. It hadn’t taken long for his eyes to adjust and he could just make out Matteo, his pale face glowing in the light of the stars. 

It wasn’t how he’d expected, with Matteo chattering away about every single space fact he’d consumed in the past few days. David now knew more about the solar system from his boyfriend than he’d ever learnt at school. 

It was a quiet day for Matteo today, work had been stressful and he was tired out. 

David had woken him at midnight as promised so they had time to get ready and come out here but he’d almost sent him back to sleep when he’d seen the way Matteo was dragging himself around the apartment. Everything was extra effort for him. But Matteo insisted he was fine, got the food ready while David sorted his camera and then they set off.

They’d been there well over an hour now, just sitting quietly, cuddling close. David could tell Matteo was awake, thinking hard.

“Warm enough?” David whispered.

“Yeah,” Matteo said.

David squeezed him tight.

“I’m ok, just quiet,” Matteo said.

“I know.”

“Sorry,” Matteo mumbled.

“Don’t be, love you, Matteo,” David said.

“This is nice,” Matteo said after another few minutes of silence.

“Yeah? One day I’ll buy you a cabin out here,” David promised.

“Maybe we could just move out here, away from stupid customers,” Matteo muttered, turning and burying his face in his neck.

David immediately held him tighter. “Yeah?”

“Just…”

“Wanna tell me what happened?”

Matteo worked in a deli, twenty minutes from their apartment. Usually, he was out the back preparing food but some days he helped Sofia out the front. Today was one of those days and something has gone wrong. David didn’t know what yet. Matteo had just come home and curled up in bed not wanting to deal with anything. But when David had woken him he’d come willingly.

“This woman came in asking for sausage and… I didn’t know what she wanted? Because we do like thirty different kinds. I asked her to describe it and she just kept saying sausage, Italian sausage and I didn’t understand it. All the sausage we sell is Italian? Just… is it obvious? Did I miss something? Why couldn’t she have just explained? If she’d told me what it tasted like I would’ve figured it out. But she just kept getting madder. Sofia came out and said ‘lady what does it taste like?’ And she said fennel. That’s finocchiona, it’s a salami,” he clarified for David’s benefit. “And I said that immediately, as soon as she said fennel I said you mean finocchiona and I was right but she got even madder. She said... she said ‘don’t you start with me, I asked you for sausage!’ But we do so many David... I just… that’s what it’s called.”

David reached held him close. What a fucking nightmare of a customer. How hard was it to be polite? How dare anyone talk to Matteo like that. If he’d been there he would have absolutely destroyed her. Yeah, he wasn’t confrontational, ran at the slightest sign of trouble but nobody got to make his boyfriend feel like shit. Himself included. He was still struggling to let go of what happened the other night.

But both Sofia and Matteo would do anything to be helpful, if the woman hadn’t known what she was looking for all she would’ve had to do was ask. They would’ve probably let her taste everything just to figure it out.

“She was so mean. But then I was really nervous and I spilt some oil and it got everywhere and I tried to help her clean it up and she smacked my hand. She called me an imbecile and I just... That’s why Sofia sent me home, not because she was mad but because she knew I was upset. I was all shaky I couldn't work. She told the lady off too, asked her not to come back but David I just…”

“Oh Matteo,” David whispered when Matteo sniffled and pressed closer.

“I’m ok, it just hurt a lot, why do people... when you ask them what they mean why do they just say it again? I can hear, I didn’t ask her to repeat it,” Matteo said.

“Customers can just be shitty I think, they expect you to read their minds,” David said.

“It’s not fair,” Matteo said.

“Can you ask Sofia not to put you out front?”

“She’d burnt her hand, I was helping,” Matteo said.

That was his kind boyfriend all over, putting his comfort aside to help others. “Oh, Matteo.”

“I like to help, I want to do a good job,” Matteo said.

“Oh Matteo you do, what about Mrs Klein?”

Matteo tilted his head back and frowned, confused. “What about her?”

“What about the other week where you walked home with her so you could carry her shopping?” David asked. 

He’d been nearly an hour late meeting him at the park because of it but when he’d showed all blushing and embarrassed and explained what had happened, David had just stared at his incredible boyfriend. How anyone could have a go at someone so kind was beyond him. There was a little cafe at the front and Sofia didn’t mind if David came there to study, again not brilliant for his grades. But he got to watch Matteo working, all the regular customers loved him, even though he was out the back most of the time, they always shouted through to him. The Italian grandmothers were particularly fond, David had even teased him that they were going to steal him away one day.

Of course, the best thing about that was getting to hear Matteo get shy and chat with those sweet old ladies in Italian. Yeah, it was no wonder he was getting behind, it wasn’t the partying it was hanging out in the cafe that was causing his grades to suffer.

“Yeah?”

“That was so kind of you, to help her,” David said.

“She was really happy, she struggles because she lives all alone and her family all moved away,” Matteo said.

“I’m sure she was really grateful,” David said.

“Said I was an upstanding young man,” Matteo said.

“Because you are, just remember that next time you have some stuck up bitch comes in,” David said. “Don’t let one bad customer ruin it for you.”

“Yeah ok yeah,” Matteo agreed.

“Matteo?”

“Yeah?”

“I am so sorry about the other day,” David said, pulling back to face him, but not too far, still under the blankets.

“I know, I said it was ok,” Matteo insisted.

“No, but-”

“It was nothing like this woman,” Matteo said, knowing exactly what was weighing on David’s mind.

The moment Matteo had said it, all he could do was compare the two situations. He knew they were different but both had left Matteo feeling like shit.

“Yeah, but I was so mean,” David said.

“This is what I meant the other day, about the intention behind what you said, she was trying to be mean, I don’t really know why. You never meant to hurt me you just weren’t thinking, let it go please,” Matteo said.

“Ok,” David mumbled, he wasn’t sure if he could though.

“I love you yeah? You gotta let me forgive you if I want to forgive you, don’t beat yourself up, please,” Matteo said.

“I just… I never wanted to be that guy,” David said.

“Huh?”

“I wanted to be the one who always listened to you,” David said.

Very early on Matteo had told him how often he got ignored and how much it hurt him. He never wanted to ignore Matteo, wanted to hear what he had to say always. He was so clever and had so many interesting things to say, how could anyone ever ignore him?

“You always listen, you listened when you shouldn’t have been listening that’s what went wrong. You should’ve told me then and there you couldn’t listen to me, instead of saying later because… sometimes I can't tell when later means no, you know?”

“Yeah.”

David knew that too, Matteo had figured out a lot but sometimes he needed people to be more literal with him. Like the fact, some people said later or maybe, or I’ll think about it when they actually just meant no. But Matteo would wait for later, or for them to think. David really had meant later but he was being hopeful, he was lying to himself as much as Matteo because he was never going to have time that night.

“So I kept pestering you which made you more frustrated,” Matteo said.

“That wasn’t your fault,” David said.

“No, it wasn't. It was a bit yours and a bit that professor guy’s for ruining your confidence in the essay, which was why you were so annoyed,” Matteo said.

“Yeah, it was,” David agreed, this was all Anderson’s fault, mostly. “I got a B by the way,” he told Matteo.

“Not bad considering you did it in the middle of the night,” Matteo said.

He was actually pretty pleased with that. Anderson was a very harsh marker, only two students had gotten an A. It was a pretty poor reflection of his teaching, David thought, if no one in his class was doing well. He couldn’t expect them to all have the same views as him, film was so subjective. How this man ever got into the creative arts was beyond him.

“You’re right and I asked how I could improve my visual grade and Kaminski’s giving me an extra essay to do to bring my score up because he really liked what I turned in at the beginning of the semester,” David said.

“See reaching out pays off,” Matteo said, only slightly teasing.

“It does, gotta speak up when I’m struggling,” David said.

“Exactly,” Matteo agreed.

“It’s really beautiful out here,” David said, taking the conversation away from school, this was his time with Matteo and he wanted to focus on him.

“Yeah, just us it’s like we’re last two boys on earth,” Matteo whispered.

“That would be nice,” David said.

He liked that idea a little too much, just them running away somewhere where no one could bother them. Somewhere like this where he could swim unbothered by strangers in the summer. Just Matteo trying to race him around the lake. He would lose. In the winter they could ice skate and Matteo would fall over and get all grumpy. David would laugh far too much before helping him up and he’d get even grumpier, but then he would cuddle him until he smiled.

He liked other people well enough, liked his classmates, loved his friends, loved Laura more than anyone. But running away, disappearing had always been the plan. He knew he could do it, go it alone. It didn’t even scare him. He wanted it. He still did, on bad days, frustrating days. Days where school was grinding him down, where his reflection was mocking him or his parents were hassling him. He wanted to run away to a place like this. He’d take Matteo and they could just be the last two boys on earth for a while

“Yeah, no professors, no customers,” Matteo agreed, “look I think that’s it,” he said pointing to the sky.

“The star?”

“No it’s been getting brighter for a while,” Matteo said. 

David stared, he was right it was getting brighter. He shuffled them so he could look through the camera lens, fiddling with the settings. He clicked the shutter and after a minute the shot appeared on the screen, a bright streak in the sky.

“Wow,” Matteo whispered, “it is!”

David just smiled at his excitement and pulled him against him, so they could watch it together.

“Do we make a wish?” he asked.

“Er… no, it’s a comet. Shooting stars are meteors, they… can I explain?”

“Always Matteo, I can’t pretend I’ll understand if you get too into the physics but I do want to hear,” David said, giving him a squeeze to encourage him.

“Ok so you have comets and meteors, oh and there’s asteroids too but… We make wishes on shooting stars right?”

“Right?”

“Ok shooting stars are meteors, which actually can be broken off from a comet or an asteroid. But they are much closer to earth, they’re only meteors when they enter earth's atmosphere, before that they are meteoroids. Does that make sense?”

“Yeah, no, a little,” David admitted.

“Ok sorry. You have asteroids which are rocks that orbit the sun, then you have comets which are ice that orbit the sun. Meteoroids form when asteroids or comets crash into each other and then if they get close enough to earth to enter our atmosphere they become meteors, and that’s a shooting star. It vaporises and becomes just a trail of light. Oh, and meteorites are when they don’t vaporise fully and they hit the earth.”

“Like the dinosaurs?”

“Like the dinosaurs,” Matteo agreed, David could see his pleased little smile, happy that he’d been listening the other day too.

“I always want to hear you, Matteo, I promise,” David said.

“I know, I knew from the start, you paid attention to me like no one ever had before,” Matteo said.

“You deserve all the attention in the world,” David said.

“No thanks just you,” Matteo said.

“Just me. So we can’t make a wish?”

“I mean you can, nothing is stopping you. What would you wish for?”

David didn’t even have to think about it. “Right now? Nothing. I have everything I want right here,” he said, pressing a kiss to Matteo’s cheek and watching the light of the comet get brighter and brighter. His wishes had come true way back in that basement room at high school. 

Matteo had started talking of wishes and David for the first time in a long time dared to dream, dared to hope that he might just be the boy whose wishes came true. That that sad quiet boy in front of him might just be it. He didn’t need wishes anymore, he had Matteo.


	16. 'cause you've been staring at that roof so long I'd swear it's come alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's always good between them, yes there's a deep and fundamental understanding between them, the way they can always read each other's needs. But also they just talk, they always talk before, during, and after and because of that it's always beautiful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the prompt:
> 
> Request time. It's about communication but kinda about sex (during?). You once wrote something about Demi Matteo and pushing and I loved that so much. It is so rare to get healthy communication with that topic. So davenzi communicating healthy about/during sex, maybe there is a little misunderstanding idk, but they work through it.

David was feeling in a particular kind of mood. Horny, that was the only way to describe it. There was no point kidding himself. In fairness, it wasn’t exactly his fault. He was in the kitchen watching Matteo cooking, standing at the counter, chopping vegetables. His boyfriend was wearing a loose-fitting pale blue shirt with the sleeves rolled up, showing off his arms. It was David’s shirt but he loved it on Matteo, and he loved him showing off his arms. There was a tea towel over his shoulder and he was swaying to some quiet music that was playing from the speakers. 

David couldn’t help it, he wanted to touch, wanted to do more than touch. He stood up from the stool and approached Matteo, draping himself over him, placing his hands on his hips, dipping his thumbs underneath the waistband of his jeans. Matteo sighed and shifted back, pressing closer. 

David couldn’t help himself, he started to press kisses along Matteo’s collarbones, his hands tracing up his chest and unbuttoning the top few buttons of his shirt, giving him better access. Matteo shuddered in his arms and sighed, leaning against him fully now, making David support his weight. He didn’t mind one bit, all that was on his mind was taking care of his boyfriend, loving him, worshipping him. 

He knew they were supposed to be having dinner but it had been weeks since they’d last done this. Yes, he was horny but he also just missed him. Missed the closeness, the intimacy. He’d been so busy with film school, second term was far harder than the first and it had wiped him out. He’d been staying late at school, working on intense projects. His workload was immense. All he’d been able to do the past few weeks was come home and crawl into bed.

Matteo left early for work so that was also out of the question. He’d also been tired anyway, not really in the mood for anything that expended too much energy. It got like that sometimes but as long as he got cuddles David was perfectly happy.

But he’d missed his boyfriend, wanted to spend the next few hours just the two of them, locked away in his room. Forgetting about work and school and deadlines. He wanted nothing on his mind but Matteo, wanted to be the only thing going through Matteo’s head. Just them, the rest of the world forgotten. 

They had the whole weekend, David had finally caught a break in his schedule that coincided with Matteo’s, but he couldn’t wait to be done with dinner, he wanted Matteo right now. Wanted to focus all his energy on him.

He reached behind him and turned off the oven that Matteo was preheating.

“David,” Matteo whined.

“You hadn’t even started,” David teased, tracing his lips up Matteo’s neck and along his jaw.

“Because of you distracting me,” Matteo muttered.

“Well you’re distracting me, looking so good up here,” David said, pressing a kiss just behind his ear, causing him to shiver and collapse the last of his weight into David. David just tightened his grip, held him tight.

Matteo sighed and turned in his arms. David’s hands immediately going back to his waist, his head ducked to press his lips to Matteo’s chest, now exposed from the shirt that was hanging off his shoulders.

“David,” Matteo whispered.

David just smirked and continued to trail kisses over his chest.

“Not in here David,” Matteo warned.

He was right of course, getting caught by Laura would be mortifying. She was out with friends but it would be just his luck for her to return and walk in on them. He just grinned and straightened up. He reached down and grabbed Matteo’s wrist, tugging him toward the bedroom and ignoring his grumbling about the state he’d left the kitchen. As soon as they were safely in his room he pushed Matteo against the door and locked it then dragged him over to the bed, practically throwing him onto it, then climbing on top of him.

“Ok?” he checked, tugging off his t-shirt. There was nothing underneath, it was hot in the apartment and it had just been the two of them all day. David wasn’t ashamed to admit he was pretty much still in his pyjamas. Not quite but a baggy t-shirt and joggers. They really were having the laziest Saturday. The only reason Matteo was even wearing a shirt was because he’d been rifling through David’s wardrobe and had picked it out. Matteo stared up at him, eyes wide, blinking as he caught up with the fact he was suddenly on the bed.

“Er… yeah,” Matteo said slowly, still a little dazed from being dragged about all over the place.

David gave him a moment to adjust to being flung about like that. He just grinned down at him and unbuttoned the remaining buttons on his shirt, pulling him up and pushing it off his shoulders.

“Ok?” David checked again as his hands drifted down to the waistband of Matteo’s jeans, he knew they were going fast and tried to slow things down a little.

Matteo nodded and David helped him out of his jeans then wriggled out of his joggers, unlike Matteo he hadn’t even been wearing underwear. Clearly, he’d woken up like this. Ready to go, it was amazing he’d made it all day without jumping Matteo if he was honest. Probably only managed as long as he did because neither of them had gotten up till midday. It had been a tiring week. He was awake now though.

He reached out and cupped a hand around Matteo’s face, leaning down to kiss him softly. “Still ok Matteo?” he asked, just a whisper against his lips.

“Yeah,” Matteo murmured.

He waited.

“I’m ok,” Matteo said, a little louder, a little firmer.

David grinned and lay back down over him, kissing him slow and deep until he was shuddering in his arms. He slowly crawled down his body running his fingers down his chest, following them with his lips. Gentle kisses, keeping things slow. 

Eventually, he reached Matteo’s hips. He grinned up at Matteo and reached for the waistband of his boxers, just tracing it with his fingers. He dipped his index finger under the elastic, about to check when Matteo shivered violently and gripped his wrist. Tight. 

David frowned and watched carefully, pulling his finger back and tracing it over the fabric, soothing him.

“Matteo still ok?” he checked, still watching his face. David was certain now that the answer was no but he wanted to see what Matteo was going to say.

“Yeah fine,” Matteo said but it was clear he was the furthest thing from fine. His eyes were closed tight. The hand that didn’t have a grip on his wrist was balled into a fist. His whole body was tense, trembling slightly but not in a good way.

David frowned. When he moved the hand at Matteo’s waistband the grip on his wrist became tighter than ever. Painful almost.

“Just… I need a minute,” Matteo muttered.

“No Matteo,” David whispered, the flash of fear and devastation in his eyes when he opened them made David feel ill. Slowly, carefully David extricated himself from Matteo’s grip and climbed off of him.

Matteo immediately sat up. “No wait, I can, I’m ok David don’t go,” he said panicky.

“Matteo I’m here, I’m not going, I’m here,” he insisted, pulling on his joggers again. Then he grabbed a soft sweater and another pair of joggers and handed them to Matteo. He waited but Matteo just stared down at them. David put the joggers aside but tugged the sweater over his boyfriend’s head. When he was covered again he relaxed slightly.

David placed a hand in the centre of his chest and pushed him down, laying beside him, reaching out and stroking the hair from his face.

“Sorry,” Matteo muttered eventually.

David had been expecting that. 

“What for?” he asked gently.

Matteo shrugged.

“Matteo I’m sorry but we have to talk about this ok? Why are you sorry?”

“For not feeling like it, it’s been weeks and I just…”

“You don’t want to have sex?” David clarified, keeping his tone as gentle as possible without coming across as patronising.

Matteo sighed and rolled onto his back, staring up at the ceiling. He swallowed hard and tried to blink back tears. David kept a little space between them but reached out and held his hand over Matteo’s. Matteo grabbed it and held tight.

“Yeah,” he whispered.

“It’s ok, you know that right?”

“You wanted to,” Matteo said.

David sighed, he’d hoped that wasn’t what Matteo was thinking but he wasn’t surprised that it was.

“I did, but not if you don’t, never if you’re not into it. You understand that right? That I never want to do anything if you aren’t feeling up to it,” David said.

Matteo shrugged again and David sighed. Matteo was holding things back. They were very open, never did anything without talking it through, making sure they were both comfortable. 

It was absolutely necessary for David, the night before their first time they’d talked about it at length. It had been a pretty awkward conversation both of them dumb, nervous, and inexperienced with what they were talking about. But at the same time the words flowed easy between them as always. They could laugh at their nerves, tease each other when they floundered it was fine. And it had helped a lot. David was able to express his fears over his body, make it clear to Matteo that it might be difficult for him but that he wanted to try, wanted to be intimate with him. And Matteo had been just as unsure, for different reasons but he was just as nervous as David. But he wanted it just as much and it had been perfect. It had been clumsy and they had been nervous but the only word David could ever use to describe that first time was tender.

He’d never thought it could be as easy as that with another person but he knew it was because they talked. They talked and they laughed and they even bickered but it was always so good. 

And even though Matteo was a little awkward about it, tried to brush it off with a shrug they kept talking always. Before, during, after, and David was sure it was always good for that exact reason.

He always made sure Matteo spoke up because he was bad at putting his own comfort first sometimes. This was what was happening now. So they needed to talk. He sat up and pulled Matteo up with him, sitting opposite him with legs crossed.

“This is important, we can’t brush over it, ok Matteo? I need you to talk to me without shrugging it off, I need you to tell me how you’re feeling right now,” David said.

“Like shit,” Matteo muttered.

“Ok thank you, why?”

“Just do.”

“It’s ok to not want to have sex,” David reminded him.

“We haven’t had sex in weeks,” Matteo countered, David was aware of it but as something that was at the back of his mind. For Matteo, it had obviously been eating at him.

“Yeah I know, but that doesn’t mean we have to right now. Yes I know I jumped you but I was just horny, have been all day. You were standing there looking hot and I couldn’t help myself. But we don’t have to do anything ok?” 

Matteo sighed and reached out to the nightstand, David frowned as Matteo pressed the box of medication into his hand then threw himself down on the bed, curling away from him.

David almost always got Matteo, could read him easily, even when he was horny and his boyfriend was lying to him, trying to push himself, he could read him. He’d sensed something was up, slowed down, kept checking. Nothing was ever going to happen there, even if Matteo had insisted he was fine. 

Sometimes Matteo didn’t say much and he didn’t need to, David almost always understood him. This was not one of those times, this time he needed Matteo to explain what was going on in his head.

He turned over the box of Matteo’s antidepressants and slipped out the little blister strips. The pills had been popped through up to Saturday, that was today so he wasn’t behind. The little pamphlet fell out. Hadn’t even been unfolded. David had to admit he was just as bad, had read it the first time he got his shots and never bothered since. Even though he was supposed to. He read through the various directions of Matteo’s meds then sighed.

“You think it’s the meds?” he asked.

“Yeah I think so, I just… since I started it’s like it’s all just slowed down,” he mumbled.

“It says temporary,” David reminded him.

“It’s been four months David,” Matteo said, finally turning to look at him.

Matteo had gone onto antidepressant medication after a particularly heavy episode. A month where just getting out of bed wiped him out, where he could do nothing but work and sleep. Unable to show interest in anything, struggling to eat, to make himself take care of himself. His nights spent crying and stressing, pacing the bedroom frantically until he collapsed. 

He’d been in therapy for three months at that point and his therapist had pushed him to the doctors. Two appointments and some bloodwork to confirm there was nothing physical and he had a confirmed diagnosis of depression. And he needed to take medication, it wasn’t going to go away. It wasn’t necessarily forever but it was something he needed right now.

David tried to count back check the correlation but it was hard. They didn’t have sex that whole month he was depressed for obvious reasons. There had been no immediate change to Matteo’s mood with the pills, he just slowly started to feel better. Gradually his energy increased and things started going back to normal, they’d had sex maybe a handful of times since he’d come out of it. David couldn’t tell if it was the medication or his recovery. Possibly both.

He put the pills and the papers back in the box and tossed it aside, laying down beside Matteo.

“Talk to me, don’t shrug, please talk to me, tell me what’s going through your head,” David said.

“It’s… it doesn’t matter, I’ll talk to my doctor, I’ll get them to switch to something else,” he said.

David shook his head. “No you won’t Matteo,” he said.

“But-”

“Why would you switch?” David asked.

“Because we can’t have sex when I’m like this,” Matteo said, sounding like it was the most obvious reason in the world.

“Ok but… for me or for you? It’s only valid if it’s because you want to have sex, if you’re doing it because you think I want to then it’s not ok,” David said.

“I…”

“Are they helping you? The meds?”

Matteo closed his eyes and nodded. “I don’t… I feel so good in my head David, it’s not… nothing’s better but it’s just… it’s not so hard anymore,” he said.

“Then I don’t think you should give them up, not yet,” David said.

“Is it ok?” Matteo asked quietly.

“Come here,” David said, pulling Matteo close.

Matteo rolled on top of him and David ran a hand through his hair

“It’s ok with me, is it ok for you?” David asked.

“I… I don’t know,” Matteo said.

“Then let’s talk it through.”

“Hm?

“Talk to me Matteo,” David said, tracing his fingers down Matteo’s sides, rubbing soothing circles on his waist. Reminding him that he still wanted him, even if they couldn’t do anything right now or ever David always wanted him. Desired him but not just for sex, it was so much more than that. He wanted his company, his touch, wanted him to hold him on his off days, comfort him the only way he knew how. He wanted to be with Matteo all the time and this wasn’t going to change that. 

“I don’t want to never have sex again,” Matteo mumbled.

David knew this was hard for him, was making him feel inadequate, broken, wrong. It was bullshit, sex didn’t make them whole. It was wonderful, perfect with Matteo every time, David wanted it always but it wasn’t a need. It didn’t make him any less that he couldn’t right now. It didn’t make either of them any less if they didn’t want or couldn’t have sex. Because Matteo seemed to be forgetting that there were days when David couldn’t stand sex, couldn’t let himself be vulnerable even with Matteo. And those days, while less now, still happened sometimes.

“Ok but right now?” David asked.

“I don’t want to go back to how I was,” Matteo admitted.

David nodded, tightening a hand on his waist. Matteo was recovering, that was more important. That he got well again. He’d just been through such a lot, he needed to take time. And they had plenty of time, David wasn’t going anywhere.

“Ok so not all antidepressants will kill your sex drive,” David said.

“Mm.” Matteo just buried his head in David’s neck.

“But these work for you right now, it’s only been a few months, and it could still be temporary. It’s not just the meds Matteo you’ve just been through it, that takes a toll on your body as well as your mind,” David said, bringing his hands up to wrap around Matteo’s back, holding him close. 

“I think if I talk to Lea, tell her how I’m feeling, that I don’t want this to be forever, come up with a long term plan,” Matteo suggested, finally sounding a little hopeful.

“Yeah?”

“But it’s going to be a while I… I feel mentally stable for the first time in so long, as in… it’s not looming over me. I know I might get depressed again but for the first time, I think I can handle it or recover quicker. I don’t know, in my head I feel ok. I just… right now I don’t want to give that up just for sex. I love you and I love having sex with you I promise but…”

David had never doubted that but he could see Matteo’s worries. That he would read into it too much, start thinking that Matteo no longer desired him. And he couldn’t bear that thought, the idea of hurting him like that. But David knew that wasn’t what this was. He knew Matteo desired him, saw it in every look he gave him, felt it in the way he constantly touched him, fingers always lingering on his skin. Matteo wanted him always. That desire was about more than sex and it hadn’t gone anywhere. David wasn’t worried at all.

“Your mental health is so much more important Matteo. I know you love me, nothing could ever make me doubt that. You know I love you regardless right? We never have to have sex again if you don’t want to. It changes nothing. I love you ok?”

Matteo closed his eyes from the relief, clearly happy that David got it. “But…”

“Look what about those days where I can’t have sex without a t-shirt or even worse when I need a hoodie too and it’s so warm and uncomfortable but it’s the only way I can stand it. And it’s like why are we even bothering, except I want you, that doesn’t change I just can’t be as exposed sometimes. And what do you do? You wear a hoodie too to make me feel better, so that we’re the same and we’re both absolutely sweating and dying but it’s fun. Because it’s you. It’s fun and it’s silly and it takes my mind off of my worries.

“What about when I just can’t let you touch me in certain places because it hurts me, or the days where it really is just impossible and we can’t do anything. We’ll start and it hits me and I just can’t continue. Never once have you pushed or pressured me why would you think it would be different for you?”

David knew exactly why he thought that.

“Because this is just me being-”

“Matteo,” David warned.

“I…”

“This isn’t your fault, do you know how important your comfort is to me? Do you have any idea how much this whole thing is scaring me because I have to ask you a horrible question and I’m scared to hear the answer?”

“What?” Matteo mumbled.

David gave him a squeeze and took a deep breath.

“I need to know if you’ve done this before,” he said.

Matteo tilted his head, looking up at him confused.

“I don’t understand,” he said.

“I… you tried to push yourself today, into doing something you didn’t feel like doing because of the medication. I think maybe you weren’t even able to push yourself, because of the meds. Because right now the thought of sex is impossible. I need to know if before all this, if you’ve ever pushed yourself,” David said.

He was a little afraid to hear the answer. It was complicated, they were both still learning, had gone into this inexperienced. David had had boundaries he wasn’t willing to cross, Matteo had respected that. But he didn’t quite know his own boundaries, didn’t have the same limits David did. But David would always err on the side of caution rather than risk pushing a boundary Matteo didn’t know he had. He wasn’t over cautious, he just read Matteo’s comfort levels in his face his body language, checked in with him made him speak up. Matteo did the same for him always.

“Not…”

“Matteo I need you to tell me if you’ve ever pushed yourself,” David insisted.

“No or… nothing like this just sometimes…” 

“Tell me, please. Talk to me. There’s nothing wrong, I’m not upset with you. I just… I need to know if I’ve pushed you or you’ve pushed yourself and then we can try not to let that ever happen again,” David insisted.

“Sometimes, it’s just… you’ve never done anything I didn’t want. But… I don’t know…”

David just waited, he needed to speak up, voice this. Matteo stared at him waiting for him to fill the silence but he didn’t. 

“I’ve never lied, when you ask if it’s ok and I say yes it always is but…"

“But?“

“Sometimes it’s only just ok,” Matteo explained.

“On the very edge of ok?”

“Yeah and it really could go either way, and… I’ve never not enjoyed it but…”

Matteo pressed against him, desperate to let go of this. David wouldn’t but he wouldn’t push either.

“Ok ok. One day it might go the other way and it makes me nervous that you might not speak up, Matteo I need you to promise me you would,” David insisted, trying not to sound too desperate.

“But-”

“But nothing Matteo,” David said.

“It’s not a big deal,” Matteo reasoned.

“You know what maybe it isn’t, maybe we have sex when you’re a bit too tired and it isn’t as fun, no big deal right? But then you keep doing it when you’re tired or you’re not feeling it, or even worse we have sex when you’re really not in a good place. How could we come back from that? And Matteo it’s only fun when we’re both enjoying it. If I’m in a bad place you would never even consider having sex, it’s the same, it’s exactly the same ok?”

“Ok but-”

“Matteo-” 

“No no, but those times when it’s a bit hit and miss, I… you know,” Matteo said.

“I know what?” 

“With you, when it’s you sometimes we have to stop?”

“Yeah,” David said quietly, as distressed as he was getting about this he was just as guilty as Matteo of pushing himself sometimes. But he never pushed too hard, knew his limits and they’d always stop.

“But with me sometimes we slow down first, we stop and wait a bit and then I want to, I always end up wanting to. Not because you’re pressuring me,” Matteo explained.

“It just takes longer sometimes?” David checked.

“Yeah,” Matteo said, smiling up at him now that he got it.

“Ok,” David said, feeling relief wash over him. 

That was ok, he could handle that. He always knew to slow down, if that was enough for Matteo, that they just take a bit more time, he trusted him.

“I don’t want to never have sex again,” Matteo reiterated.

David grinned. He knew that, knew right now the state that Matteo was in mentally the urgency wasn’t there. But as he improved he would start getting frustrated, the need would come back. That’s when he could speak to the doctor.

“I know,” David assured him.

“It’s just… I wanted to earlier or… I wanted you, that’s why I kept it going, I didn’t want to have sex or I didn’t feel like it but I still wanted you… sorry that makes no sense?”

It made perfect sense. David knew exactly what Matteo wanted. He smiled then and pushed Matteo up off him so they were sitting again, then he reached out and pulled at the hem of Matteo’s sweater.

“David,” Matteo whispered. 

“Trust me?”

Matteo sighed and nodded. He let David undress him again, unhurried this time, no urgency to it. He just lazily pulled the sweater over his head then lovingly ran his fingers through his hair, smoothing it back down. He reached out and cupped his face, kissing him tenderly. Matteo pulled back and blinked at him, a little dazed, a little unsure but David was going to take care of him. 

David pushed him gently until he was laying down, then he settled beside him. He ran his hands slowly down his body, over his shoulders, down his chest, watching the skin pebble in the wake of his questing fingers. When he reached the waistband of Matteo’s boxers again he waited.

“Can I take them off?” he asked.

“Why?” Matteo whispered, not nervous or uncomfortable, just curious.

David just pressed a kiss to his lips then pinged the elastic causing Matteo to shove him away laughing. David grinned and pulled off his joggers before pulling Matteo back to him. His hand settling on his waist again, Matteo’s hand drifted down to his wrist, not gripping as tight as before, just holding him in place.

“Just want to lay with you,” David said.

Matteo stared for a moment then smiled slowly. He nodded but his hand was still on David’s wrist so he waited. After another moment Matteo nodded again and let go of him. David pushed off his boxers then put his hand back on Matteo’s hip, pulling him close and covering them both with the blankets. He tangled their legs together and sighed.

“Nothing will ever take this from us,” David whispered, “this intimacy we have is not rooted in sex. It comes from how comfortable we are with each other. I could never be like this with anyone but you. It’s a vulnerability I could never show anyone else. Matteo, it’s trust on a level I could never have even imagined before I met you, it’s love,” he said.

“It’s need too,” Matteo said.

“Need?”

“For me, it’s need I… I need this, to be close like this, nothing has ever felt as good on my skin as you,” Matteo whispered.

David held him closer. He knew exactly what he meant, it was different. For Matteo he couldn’t stand certain things touching him but even when he was stressed David’s touch was welcome because he trusted David not to touch when it was too much, trusted him to listen when he revoked that right to touch. For David, it was the idea of being naked with another. He never thought it would be something he could do and certainly not before his body was further along in his transition.

And yet here he was, completely naked in the arms of his boyfriend, skin to skin and nothing had ever felt as good. Fuck sex this was everything. Nothing could take this from them.

They’d only been together a month when they’d done this the first time. It had been after sex, Matteo had been naked, David in a t-shirt. Matteo had whined and pulled away to grab a t-shirt for himself and David had gripped him tight refused to let him go. When Matteo had tried again to get away David insisted he stay, that he wanted to lie naked with him, when Matteo had raised an eyebrow he’d just pulled off his shirt and pressed Matteo against him again.

He played it cool but his heart had been pounding, he’d been terrified to look at Matteo. Matteo had just grumbled, turned in his arms and tangled their legs together, settling comfortably against him. And it had felt so good, to hold him like that, nothing between them and he knew exactly what Matteo meant now.

Because they hadn’t had sex for a while they also hadn’t done this.

“Oh Matteo,” he whispered.

“I missed it and I thought I couldn’t have it anymore,” Matteo said.

“Of course you can, always,” David insisted.

“Always,” Matteo repeated, no longer questioning, just accepting. “I want… I want to get my head on track and there’s no quick fix but I’ve got to put that first for a while,” he said.

“Of course,” David said.

“But I want to have sex with you again,” Matteo said.

That was the third time he’d said that now and David chuckled. He hadn’t been particularly worried but he knew sex was on the cards again in the future.

“Ok it’s like this,” David said, “if you were hurt physically and you were recovering, say if you were in a car crash or knowing how clumsy you are, you fell down the stairs because you were texting-”

“Fuck you!”

“And you broke all your bones, you would have to recover and heal, that’s what this is,” David said.

“I am recovering,” Matteo agreed. “I feel better, I feel like it’ll never be so bad again. I don’t know if I’ll always be on meds but I can’t come off these or even switch yet. I feel good in my head, literally, the only thing I was worrying about was you being annoyed,” Matteo said, sheepishly.

At least he knew how stupid it was.

“Which is the dumbest thing ever so now you don’t have anything to worry about,” David said.

“We’ll take it slow?”

“We will,” David said.

“You’d really stay with me even if we never have sex again?” Matteo asked.

David got it, understood that worry, even if it was completely unfounded he got it.

“I would,” he promised.

“I do want to though,” Matteo said, he was getting pretty adamant. David just kissed him again, then again, tangling his hands in his hair and pressing them closer until he sighed.

“That’s good,” he whispered. “Matteo I’m gonna need you to tell me when you’re ready ok? I need you to do that.”

As easy as it always was between them, the ease with which he read Matteo, his face, his body language, the things he left unsaid, David needed Matteo to take the lead on this. Only he knew his mind and his limits right now and it would be up to him when he was ready again.

“Ok it’s gonna be a while,” Matteo said.

“S’fine,” David said.

“Sure?”

“Sure,” he said firmly.

“This is nice,” Matteo said.

“It is.”

“It feels good,” Matteo said.

“Just what you wanted?”

Matteo nodded.

“I’m glad,” David murmured.

They lay there quietly for a while just pressed together. It was a little too warm, not really that comfortable but it still felt good to have Matteo in his arms. Sex with Matteo was always amazing but laying there afterwards, just them entwined together like that, he could never give that up. The closeness, the intimacy, Matteo was right, it was a need.

“Matteo?” David asked after a while.

“Yeah?” Matteo whispered.

“Kinda getting hungry,” David said.

“Oh fuck you David!” Matteo rolled them over so he was on top of David, pinning him down, scowling at him.

He’d been hungry before, in the kitchen but his horniness had won out. Now he was starving and as comfortable as he had been tangled up in Matteo his stomach wasn’t having it. Matteo clambered over him, grabbing his hands and trying to hold him down. David had no idea how he thought that would work. He flipped them easily, still holding Matteo’s hands and using them to hold him down. Matteo blinked up at him, always surprised when David got the upper hand. David shifted, his knees either side of Matteo’s waist, and leant down until his lips were millimetres from Matteo’s. Matteo stared, eyes wide and a little dazed.

“Feed me,” David said.

Matteo groaned and tugged his hand free, covering David’s face and trying to push him away. David grabbed his wrists and uncovered his face, then leant down and pressed his lips to Matteo’s, kissing him tenderly as he tried not to smile. 

They were going to be fine because they would never stop talking. David knew if he hadn’t jumped Matteo in the kitchen he would’ve come to him, explained what was happening with him. It sometimes took a while but he always did. Knew David was listening and that he could tell him anything, his fears, his worries, his hopes, and his dreams. They could talk about anything and nothing but they always heard each other.

**Author's Note:**

> Any prompts? Hit me up on tumblr as always @youmustbestrongernow


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